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OSW Season Two Presents: The Dandy Rumble

MattHarmsPosted on 02/06/07 at 21:51:51

Background: After the highly unsuccessful first season, we managed to get some really rich old dude drunk so he could bankroll another season of highly illogical matches and storylines. Also NWA-TNA and WWE have agreed(under penality of several incriminating photos being released) that several stars will be making guest apperances, including a legendary former WCW World Champion who will take part in tonight's main event, the Dandy Rumble!

Also, OSW Heavyweight Champion Sean Waltman has gone missing. No one knows or cares why. As a result, tonight's Dandy Rumble will be for the newly vacated OSW Heavyweight Title.

OSW Tag Team Title Match:
Alex Wright and Snitskrieg vs the Rock N Roll Express(c)

Snitskrieg and Alex Wright are two thirds of the Fourth Reich, along with the legendary Heidenreich. The Rock N Roll Express put up a valiant effort but in the end, the evil German empire triumpthed over the former multi time OSW Tag Team Champions, winning the titles.

The Fourth Reich (Alex Wright and Snitskrieg) defeated
Rock'n'Roll Express (Ricky Morton and Robert Gibson) when Snitskrieg pinned
R. Morton with the Egoist Schwein in 0:06:02.
Rating: * 3/4
(The Fourth Reich won the OSW Tag Team Titles.)

BUT WAIT! The Rock N Roll Express have an ace up their sleeve. Namely an instant rematch clause. Snitskrieg and Wright attempt to sneak out but the Rock N' Roll Express beat them back into the ring and another tag team title match began.

OSW Tag Team Title Match:
Rock N Roll Express vs Snitskrieg and Alex Wright(c)

Dropkicks, armbars, double teaming, Ricky Morton plays Ricky Morton but manages to snap off a rolling cradle on Alex Wright to regain the titles. The Rock N Roll Express hotfoots out of there, before Wright and Snitsky can use their instant rematch clause.

Rock'n'Roll Express (Ricky Morton and Robert Gibson) defeated
The Fourth Reich (Alex Wright and Snitskrieg) when R. Morton pinned A. Wright
after a rolling cradle in 0:05:18.
Rating: * 1/4
(Rock'n'Roll Express won the OSW Tag Team Titles.)

New OSW Wrestling Commissioner Kelly Kelly cuts a promo, introducing a new championship belt. The OSW Hardcore Title will make its debut tonight. Such Hardcore Legends such as Test and Pete Gas will be competing in the match tonight to declare the first champion.

Ladder Match for the Number Thirty Spot in the Dandy Rumble:
Abdullah the Butcher vs the Great Khali

This match as the greatest match in the history of wrestling. Bar none. No one could touch it. These two high flying sensations gave it their all. A vicious Mongolian Chop by the Great Khali but Abdullah counters by forking Khali. They battle on and on and on and the ladder breaks in the process leaving both men to stand in the ring for over thirty minutes while the referee rushes off off to the nearest hardware store to purchase a second ladder. The ladder is back and Abdullah attempts to use the fork but Khali stuns Abdullah with a Mongolian Chop before stabbing Abdullah with the fork and nearly dumping Abdullah on his head with a slam. Khali reaches on and casually grabs the paper without using the ladder for the win.

Ladder Match
The Great Khali defeated Abdullah the Butcher in 0:54:47.
Rating: -*****

We heard loud sounds of "rematch" from the fans. Our fans are so talented as they are chanting this without a single one of them moving their lips.

Jim Duggan, Stevie Ray, Koko B. Ware, The Harris Brothers, and many others draw numbers for the Dandy Rumble.

Match to Declare the First Ever OSW Hardcore Champion:
Candice Michelle vs Justin Credible vs Pete Gas vs Mike Knox vs Test vs Jesus

Test shockingly got eliminated first by Credible. Jesus dominated Credible and put him down with a huge choke slam. Candice beat the shit out of both Pete Gas and Mike Knox, hitting both of them with Bronco Busters before hitting the Candy Stunner on the Hardcore Legend known as Pete Gas to score the pin. Jesus puts Mike Knox away and Candice quickly punks Jesus out. Jesus struggles against the might of Candice but one of the most electrifying moves in sports entertainment today, the drop toe hold, puts Jesus down for the pin and as a result, Candice is the first ever OSW Hardcore Champion!

6-Man Battle Royal for the vacant OSW Hardcore Title
Candice Michelle won a 6-man Battle Royal:
        x Credible defeated Test after the That's Incredible in 0:07:59
        x Jesus defeated Credible after the Seated Choke Slam in 0:18:33
        x Michelle defeated Pete Gas after the Candy Stunner in 0:29:21
        x Jesus defeated M. Knox after the Seated Choke Slam in 0:31:57
        x Michelle defeated Jesus after a drop toe hold in 0:32:58
Rating: ** 1/2

Heidenreich vs ten guys whose names really don't matter

Heidenreich showed his dominance, beating the ever living shit out of ten talentless hacks, dominating them with his superior technical wrestling knowledge. A vicious clothesline seals the deal for Heidenreich as he scores the pin over a fat, Samoan enhancement talent.

Handicap-Match
Heidenreich defeated The World's Greatest Tag Team (Charlie Haas and Shelton Ben
jamin), AJ Styles, Christopher Daniels, Chris Benoit, Samoa Joe, Chris Sabin, CM
Punk, Bryan Danielson and Rob Van Dam when Heidenreich pinned Joe after
a clothesline in 0:04:55.
Rating: * 1/4

Heidenreich vows to win the Dandy Rumble. Why? Because he's Heidenreich. He promises to give twenty nine other men the Michael Cole Special tonight.

Three Way:
Sylvan vs Pat Patterson vs Kanyon

These three men took turns in attempting to get on top of each other for about three seconds but the other man always broke this up, wanting in on the action. Pat Patterson eventually came from behind into Sylvan and rolled him up for the victory to come out on top of this three way and have a chance to climax his night in the Dandy Rumble.

Triangle Match
Pat Patterson defeated Sylvain Grenier and Kanyon when Patterson pinned Grenier
after a rolling cradle in 0:07:25.
Rating: **

The Dandy Rumble for the vacant OSW Heavyweight Title
Highlights of Note:
-El Dandy and Abdullah the Butcher were the first two men out in this match.
-Scotty Riggs came out and was eliminated by Mike Knox rather quickly.
-Marty Jannetty(who was hired and fired backstage a total of five times throughout the night) was eliminated in short order. He was hired and fired a further three times as he went to the back but refused to believe that he was ever fired.
-Mae Young was a special guest competitor and eliminated Eric Young(who begged not to be fired like Marty Jannety was, despite only being a special guest and not having been signed to a contract)
-Mae Young also threw out Pat Patterson
-Vince Russo was the former WCW World Champion.
-There were several other surprises that you can find out by reading the results yourself.
-The Final Four: Vince Russo, the Miz, El Dandy, and Stevie Ray. Despite everyone hating him, the Miz managed to last quite some time. Stevie Ray pummeled Vince Russo and sent him flying first. Stevie Ray and El Dandy went out it as the Miz cowered by the ropes. After several minutes, the Miz made the mistake of doubting El Dandy and paid dearly as Dandy flew into a rage, punching the Miz into submission allowing Stevie Ray to casually toss the Miz to the floor
-The final two were El Dandy and Stevie Ray. Dandy and Ray fought, with Stevie Ray getting the better of El Dandy. After hitting the Slapjack, Stevie reaches to the floor and gets on the microphone calling Dandy a fruit botty and Stevie remarks that he doubts Dandy's ability to win. At that remark, Dandy kips up to his feet and knocks Stevie Ray over the top rope with one punch, sending him to the floor. In a shocking swerve, El Dandy has won the Dandy Rumble and the OSW Heavyweight Title!

30-Man Battle Royal for the vacant OSW World Heavyweight Title\
El Dandy won a 30-man Royal Rumble:
        x Abdullah and Dandy started out.
        x Brad Armstrong entered at 0:02:00
        x B. Armstrong threw out Abdullah after the Russian Legsweep in
          0:03:11
        x Mike Knox entered at 0:04:00
        x Pat Patterson entered at 0:06:00
        x Heidenreich entered at 0:08:00
        x Duane Gill entered at 0:10:00
        x M. Knox threw out D. Gill in 0:11:34
        x Brooklyn Brawler entered at 0:12:00
        x Kurrgan entered at 0:14:00
        x Honky Tonk Man entered at 0:16:00
        x M. Knox threw out B. Armstrong in 0:16:56
        x Test entered at 0:18:00
        x Kurrgan threw out Test in 0:18:27
        x The Miz entered at 0:20:00
        x Eric Young entered at 0:22:00
        x Scotty Riggs entered at 0:24:00
        x M. Knox threw out Riggs in 0:25:40
        x Marty Jannetty entered at 0:26:00
        x Miz threw out Jannetty in 0:27:10
        x Mae Young entered at 0:28:00
        x M. Young threw out E. Young after a clothesline in 0:28:27
        x Vito entered at 0:30:00
        x Erik Watts entered at 0:32:00
        x Snitskrieg entered at 0:34:00
        x Stevie Ray entered at 0:36:00
        x M. Young threw out Patterson in 0:37:15
        x Snitskrieg threw out M. Young in 0:37:52
        x Dustin Rhodes entered at 0:38:00
        x Jonathan Coachman entered at 0:40:00
        x Don Harris entered at 0:42:00
        x D. Rhodes threw out E. Watts after a bodyslam in 0:43:00
        x Ron Harris entered at 0:44:00
        x Vince Russo entered at 0:46:00
        x D. Rhodes threw out Snitskrieg in 0:46:31
        x Koko B. Ware entered at 0:48:00
        x Heavy D threw out Honky Tonk Man in 0:48:54
        x Lauren Jones entered at 0:50:00
        x Vito threw out Heavy D after a facerake in 0:50:49
        x Jim Duggan entered at 0:52:00
        x Dandy threw out Vito in 0:52:31
        x Jake Roberts entered at 0:54:00
        x The Great Khali entered at 0:56:00
        x S. Ray threw out M. Knox after a lariat in 1:05:34
        x Duggan threw out Coach in 1:06:56
        x Great Khali threw out Big Ron after a big boot in 1:07:14
        x Lauren threw out Heidenreich after a roll away in 1:08:57
        x Great Khali threw out D. Rhodes after a side suplex in 1:12:38
        x Lauren threw out B. Brawler after a slap in 1:16:30
        x Dandy threw out Lauren in 1:17:05
        x Koko threw out J. Roberts after a faceslam in 1:21:24
        x Dandy threw out Duggan in 1:22:42
        x S. Ray threw out Great Khali after a kick to the head in 1:30:20
        x Koko threw out Kurrgan after a Hotshot in 1:32:16
        x Dandy threw out Koko after a small package in 1:32:43
        x S. Ray threw out Russo in 1:36:38
        x S. Ray threw out Miz in 1:44:52
        x Dandy threw out S. Ray after a punch in 1:49:27
Rating: *

El Dandy holds up his title belt in celebration as Erik Watts, David Flair, and the Harris Brothers enter the ring and attacks Dandy one by one, black ninja style. Dandy knocks them all out but someone comes out from underneath the ring. We don't don't see who as the lights go out. When they come back on, El Dandy is left out in the ring with a mysterious figure in a black bodysuit and ski mask laughing evilly at the top of the ramp. We might just find out who this masked goon is next week. Of course, we might drop this storyline without any explanation. The only way to find out is to tune into the next event which has not been named because we haven't thought that far ahead yet. We might just be qualified to run ECW with this level of planning!

TUNE IN!
VertigoPosted on 02/07/07 at 02:47:05

An excellent read and thoroughly enjoyable.

I'm looking very forward to the next card.

How fitting for El Dandy to win the... uh.. Dandy Rumble.