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WWL Monday Night Action: 5/30/05

AllPowerfulGARTHPosted on 09/05/05 at 04:47:00

We start out with a video package, set to "Can't Repeat" by the Offspring, of highlights from You Only Live Twice.

GB: Ladies and gentlemen, it is MONDAY NIGHT ACTION!  We are just 24 short hours, or 21 depending on how you count, removed from the WWL's second-ever pay-per-view event, You Only Live Twice!  I'm Garth Bishop, alongside the Honky Tonk Man.
HTM: It is GREAT to be here, Garth!  The fallout from You Only Live Twice is sure to be tremendous here tonight!
GB: Oh, without a doubt!  There were some great matches at You Only Live Twice, but I think some of those issues are far from over!
HTM: Carlito and Shawn Michaels, Big Show and Wrestling Royalty, DDP and the World Heavyweight Champion Chris Jericho...tonight is going to be EXPLOSIVE!
GB: And don't forget that tonight, we will crown the first-ever WWL Tag Team Champions!  That's coming up later, but for now, let's get down to the ring!


DING DING DING DING DING DING...that can only mean one thing.  Fresh off their victory over the Big Show and Kane last night, Wrestling Royalty are on their way to the ring, mics in hand.

JBL: Seeing as I went through hell last night, and seeing as I pinned the Big Show for the second time in under a week, I will give each and every one of you the opportunity - no, the PRIVILEGE - to chant my name.  J-B-L!  J-B-L!
JJ: And I wouldn't be so cruel as to deny all of you the opportunity to chant my name.  Jar-rett!  Jar-rett!
JBL: Actually, you know what?  I'm not sure these people even deserve to chant our names.  After all, where were they last night?  While you and I were absolutely DOMINATING two monsters in the Big Show and Kane, these fans had the audacity to boo!
JJ: You're right, John.  Who the hell do you people think you are?  What on earth makes you think gives you the right to boo the KING of the Mountain and a Wrestling GOD?
JBL: I'll tell you who these people are.  They're...common.  You see, they're not like you and me.  They are ordinary.  And as such, they are jealous of the EXTRAordinary.  When they look at Wrestling Royalty, they realize that they are merely...serfs.  But while we're talking about extraordinary, if there was one man who proved himself extraordinary last night BESIDES Wrestling Royalty...it was the WWL World Heavyweight Champion, Chris Jericho.  And if it's not too much, I would like to cordially invite Mr. Jericho out to the ring for a civilized conversation.

Y5J...Y4J...Y3J...Chris Jericho makes his way out, his forehead all bandaged up but the WWL World Heavyweight Title slung over his shoulder.  As he enters the ring, Wrestling Royalty extend their hands, and Jericho accepts handshakes from both.

CJ: Well, here I am, gentlemen.  What was it you wanted to discuss with the Ayatollah of Rock 'n Rollah?
JBL: Well Chris, I first wanted to tell you that your victory over DDP last night was nothing short of inspiring.  You beat him fair and square, just as you said you would.
CJ: Indeed I did, indeed I did.  And may I say, your pinfall victory over the Big Show came quite close to being as impressive as my victory over Diamond Dennis.
JJ: Quite CLOSE to being—(interrupted)
JBL: Uh...let's just say apples to oranges.  You can't put a tag team match on the same level as a singles match, right?  Apples to oranges.

Jericho and Jarrett nod assent.

JBL: Chris, I have brought you down to the ring for one reason.  Last month, the night after your spectacular World Heavyweight Title victory over the Big Show, I made you a proposal.  I asked if you would grant the very first title shot to a member of Wrestling Royalty.  Now, Paul Heyman may have showed up to ruin things, but this month, I am going to ask you again.  How about it, Chris?  The next shot at the World Heavyweight Title, to the King of the Mountain or a Wrestling GOD?
CJ: Well you know, JBL, last night, after my amazing and 100% clean victory over Diamond Dennis, I got to thinking.  What could be next for the Highlight of the Night?  What else can I do to impress the Jerichoholics, the single most important group of people - right after me - in the world?  And then I realized it.  I could bring to them a truly competitive matchup, a title defense of epic proportions.  Not against some...some boob like Diamond Dennis, but against someone good.  Someone great.  Someone...royal.  And so, Mr. Layfield, Mr. Jarrett, it is my distinct privilege to grant the next shot at my WWL World Heavyweight Title to—

Let the bodies hit the floor.  Let the bodies hit the floor.  Here comes Paul Heyman.  Jericho just sort of rolls his eyes, but Wrestling Royalty are very angry, as Heyman has a much more significant tendency to inconvenience them than he does Jericho.

JBL: What do you want, Heyman?  Can't you see we're in the middle of a private conversation?
PH: A...private conversation?  In the middle of the ring?  In an arena filled with thousands of people?  On a television show viewed by millions?
JBL: They're not the most ideal conditions, but such as they are, yes!  A private conversation!
PH: Well, okay.  I'm willing to buy that.  Buuuuuut...I'm afraid I have to object on one count.  You see, this is WWL Monday Night Action, and I hate to brag, but you see, Monday Night Action is MY SHOW.  So whatever happens on this show IS my business.  But hey!  I can see the look on your faces, Mr. Layfield, Mr. Jarrett, and rest assured, I'm not simply out here to cause you problems.  You're looking for a shot at the World Heavyweight Title?  I can understand that.  After all, the two of you are coming off a big win over the Big Show and Kane at You Only Live Twice.  So I just thought I'd come out here and tell you that, if you want a title shot, I'll give you my blessing.
JBL: Well.  That's...that's great news!  I'm glad you're finally starting to see things my—what's that look for?

Jarrett has a look of severe distrust on his face.  He's not buying this for one second.  But JBL is undeterred.

JBL: I don't know what you're so worried about.  He just said he gave us his blessing for a title shot.
PH: Whoa!  Slow down there, JBL!  I didn't say you HAD my blessing.  I said I'll GIVE you my blessing...if you impress me in your six-man tag team match tonight.
JJ: You see?  You see?  I KNEW he was going to do that!
PH: It will be JBL, Jeff Jarrett, and the World Heavyweight Champion Chris Jericho against the Big Show and...well, I'd have liked to put Kane in this match, but seeing as Kane was injured after you hit him with a guitar last night, I'll simply have to let Big Show and his partner choose their third ally for themselves.
JBL: EVERY TIME!  You do this every time!  You—fine.  Fine.  If we impress you tonight, we get the title shot, right?
PH: Of course.  I'm a man of my word.

Heyman makes like he's turning to leave, then stops.

PH: Oh, I nearly forgot.  Your third opponent tonight will be DIAMOND...DALLAS...PAGE!

Jericho immediately goes into panic mode.  He really wasn't paying attention up until this point?

CJ: NO!  NONONONONO!  I, um...haven't I beaten Diamond Dennis enough?  I think two times is enough!  There's absolutely no need to put me in a match against him tonight, you see, because I really think I've proved beyond a shadow of a doubt over the last few months that when it comes to wrestling and a number of others factors I am superior or at least on an equal level with Diamond Dennis in many ways and—
PH: Ooooh, sorry Chris.  I'd like to take your request into consideration, but I've already signed the match.  So sorry.  Good luck tonight, gentlemen.

Heyman makes his exit.  Wrestling Royalty and Jericho quickly begin formulating a strategy as they head to the back.


Andrew Martin vs. Shawn Michaels

Clarence Mason encouraged Andrew Martin to face Shawn Michaels tonight as an act of repayment for the Law Firm not being at Carlito Caribbean Cool's side last night at You Only Live Twice.  The referee allows Clarence Mason to stay at ringside, but he sends Matthew Bloom to the back when he tries to hang out at ringside too.  Bloom is upset, but Mason and Martin ensure him that Martin is more than capable of beating Michaels by himself.  Yeah, sure Andrew.

Shawn Michaels starts this match out not really trying to hurt Martin, just trying to piss him off.  Shawn fights mostly with armdrags and headlocks and such, not really wearing Martin down, but definitely frustrating him.  Martin tries to use his size and power to bring an end to that, but Shawn is too clever for him, and he deftly dodges Martin's heavy clotheslines and charges.  After getting dodged for a little while, Martin gets fed up, kicking the ropes.  He decides to blow off steam by yelling at the referee, which gives Shawn the chance to come from behind with a rollup for a two-count.  Martin gets back up and tries to crush Shawn with a clothesline, but Shawn counters into a crucifix for another two.  This time, Shawn catches Martin unawares as he gets up and fires off on Martin with right hands.  Shawn backs Martin to the corner for some chops, and keeps Martin on the run for a bit with all the right shots.  Eventually, Shawn comes off the ropes, perhaps looking for a flying forearm, but it's not to be -- Mason grabs him by the leg, providing enough of a distraction for Martin to catch Shawn with a sidewalk slam.

Now that he's got the advantage, Martin tries to make the most of it, keeping control of the match with power moves and the occasional choke.  A neckbreaker earns a near-fall for Martin, and the back suplex that follows it does the same.  Martin heaves Shawn up for a pump-handle slam, but Shawn squirms out, dodges a right hand, and bounces off the ropes, only to run smack into a big clothesline from Martin.  Martin covers for another two.  Martin adds in a choke to be a bastard, then backs Michaels into the corner for some punchy-kicky.  Martin chokes Shawn with his boot in the corner, whips him to the opposite corner, and crushes him with a clothesline.  Shawn falls down and Martin makes a motion to indicate that it's over.  Martin goes for the Mistrial, but Shawn fights out with elbows, comes off the ropes, ducks a big boot, and hits a flying forearm.  Both men are down...until Shawn kips up.  Inverted atomic drop, clothesline, bodyslam, flying elbowdrop.  Shawn tunes up the band, but Mason grabs his foot.  Shawn's had about enough of Mason, and he grabs him and pulls him up on the apron.  Shawn is contemplating punching Mason's lights out, but Martin is back to his feet.  Martin goes for a big boot on Shawn, but he moves out of the way.  Mason winces and Martin stops just inches away from knocking Mason's head off.  That disaster averted, Martin turns around relieved, SWEET CHIN MUSIC.  Good night, Mr. Martin.

Shawn Michaels pinned Andrew Martin with the Sweet Chin Music in 0:07:10.
Rating: *** ½

Immediately after the match, Matthew Bloom storms back down to ringside.  Shawn is ready for him in the ring, but it's just a diversion, as Carlito enters from behind Shawn and hits him in the back with a chair.  Carlito stomps away at Shawn, then has Bloom hold him in place for a faceful of apple.  Carlito celebrates getting the better of Shawn once again.  He may have lost at You Only Live Twice, but it seems like every time Shawn and Carlito meet, it's Carlito who has the last laugh.


Coming back from commercial, Shawn Michaels is in Paul Heyman's office and he is pumped full of JESUS RAGE~.

SM: Every single time!  Week in and week out, that slimy Carlito gets the best of me!  Do you understand how SICK of this I am?
PH: You're making it quite apparent right now.
SM: Look.  I will be very, very clear on this.  I want another shot at Carlito.  One-on-one.  No shenanigans.  I need you to make this happen.
PH: I quite understand your plight, Shawn, and it just so happens that I was thinking of something along those very lines.  Next week, it will be Shawn Michaels versus Carlito, one-on-one.  And the Law Firm will be banned from ringside.
SM: Paul, I appreciate it, lemme tell ya.  And this time, I'm not going to win with some pinning combination like at You Only Live Twice.  I'm going to win by kicking Carlito's teeth right down his throat.

Shawn storms out, still angry about earlier.


Juventud Guerrera & Jamie Noble vs. Ultimo Dragon & Funaki

Juventud Guerrera is out here with a vengeance.  He was embarrassed at You Only Live Twice (well, he actually did pretty well, but to Juvi, any loss is an embarrassment), and he's trying to prove himself tonight.  But Ultimo Dragon isn't about to roll over for Juvi, and Funaki may be interested in a little payback after he was beaten down by Juvi last week.  Oh, and also there's Jamie Noble.  He's just kinda there.  Juvi, in his quest to regain his dignity, seems pretty much unwilling to tag Noble in.  Juvi is a capable wrestler, and he can hold his own against either Funaki or Ultimo Dragon, but his opponents have some great teamwork, and that's something one man can't hope to compete against.  So Juvi will get the occasional burst of offense, then get double-teamed for a little bit.  All the while, Jamie Noble is more than willing to tag in, but when Juvi gets a brief respite, he just goes back on offense.  Soon, he's not even afforded that opportunity, as Dragon and Funaki keep him cornered on their side of the ring.  Luckily for Juvi, he's fairly resilient, and all pin attempts fail for the time being.  Dragon reverse DDT, Funaki flying cross body, Dragon enzuigiri -- nothing will put Juvi down.  He even manages to get a foot on the rope after Funaki nails him with the Tornado DDT.

After Juvi survives the Tornado DDT, Funaki tags Ultimo Dragon back in.  Dragon goes for the Dragon Sleeper, but he can't seem to drag Juvi away from the ropes.  Finally, Dragon manages to yank Juvi away from the rope.  Dragon goes to pick Juvi up, but Juvi suddenly pokes him in the eye, scoops him up, and delivers the Juvi Driver!  Juvi just turned this match around in the blink of an eye, but he's too dazed to cover, and by the time he does, Dragon is able to kick out.  Juvi does NOT like this, and he starts yelling at the referee about it.  The referee tries to back away, but Juvi continues coming after him, backing him up further and further...until he gets too close to his own corner, and Jamie Noble sees his opportunity to tag himself in.  Dragon tags out to Funaki at the same time, and we've got something that looks like a reverse hot tag -- Noble, the heel, is raring to go, while both faces are at something of a disadvantage.  After knocking Dragon off the apron, Noble fires off on Funaki.  Noble hits a reverse DDT of his own for a long two-count, then connects with a tiger driver.  Noble locks in the Trailer Hitch on Funaki, but as Funaki seems about to tap, Dragon comes in and breaks it up.  Juvi sees his hated rival getting a piece of the action and he comes in after Dragon.  Dragon isn't looking, and Juvi hits him in the back with a dropkick that sends Dragon stumbling out of the ring.  Funaki comes after Juvi, but after a series of reversals, Juvi manages to nail Funaki with the Juice Spill.  Juvi covers, but of course, he isn't the legal man.

The referee points this fact out and Juvi goes BERSERK.  He starts screaming at the ref, grabbing him by his shirt and asking him why he won't count three for the Juice.  Noble gets back up and tries to calm Juvi down, but Juvi is ignoring him.  Meanwhile, Funaki is able to tag a recovered Dragon.  Dragon dropkicks Noble in the back, and he stumbles forward and crashes into Juvi, sending Juvi out of the ring.  Noble staggers away from the collision and Dragon gets him with the Asai DDT for the three.

Ultimo Dragon and Funaki defeated Juventud Guerrera and Jamie Noble when U. Dragon pinned Noble with the Asai DDT in 0:11:44.
Rating: ** ¾

Post-match, Funaki and Dragon leave ringside, but Juvi re-enters the ring.  Blaming Noble for the loss, he attacks Jamie with stomps and punches, then delivers a Juvi Driver to Noble.  Would it be redundant to say that Juvi has snapped?  He was already pretty much nuts.


Coming back from commercial, Juvi is backstage in his usual rage.  Which rhymes.

JG: ...Can't BELIEVE this!  The Juice was this close - THIS CLOSE - to teaching that punk-ass...um...punk Ultimo Dragon a lesson in respecting the Juice!  The Juice was so close!  And that fool Jamie Noble ruined everything!  The Juice will not forgive Jamie Noble!  The Juice was going to beat that punk Ultimo Dragon once and for all, but that stupid hick fucked up and cost the Juice the match!  The Juice has once again been wronged, and the Juice will not sit idly by and—

Juvi is cut off by Jamie Noble, who jumps in-shot and attacks him.  Officials quickly separate the two as Juvi shouts incoherent insults at Noble and pretty much everyone else around.


Here comes Rhyno down to the ring.  He has a mic.

R: Alright!  I'm gonna make this short and sweet!  Last night, I walked into You Only Live Twice with this Intercontinental Title belt, and last night, I walked out of You Only Live Twice with this Intercontinental Title belt...after I GORED Muhammad Hassan's ass!  I had an ally in that fight in the Sandman, and he and I have an agreement - we'll watch each other's backs, but if it ever comes down to it, he won't hesitate to put a Singapore cane upside my head, and I won't hesitate to GORE!  GORE!  GORE! him too!  So with that said, a shot at this here belt is available to anyone who wants it, so come on out here!

We have a brief pause, and then our challenger is revealed...it's Dean Malenko!  Malenko makes his way to the ring and the match is on.

Intercontinental Title: Rhyno (c) vs. Dean Malenko

Rhyno goes right after Malenko from the outset, but Malenko has him scouted, and he evades Rhyno's charge with a drop toe hold.  Malenko immediately transitions that into a leg submission, possibly setting a record for least time between opening bell and resthold.  Rhyno's right next to the ropes, so that hold doesn't last long, but the opening minutes of the bout just sorta repeat that format -- Malenko turns every punch and clothesline into some sort of mid-level submission hold.  As Malenko works a ground armbar-type move, the crowd starts giving Malenko the "boring" chant.  He's getting pissed, but he shuts his eyes and tries to flush the insecurities out of his system.  That seems to work for now, but that's more than can be said for the submission hold, as Rhyno powers out.  Malenko tries to work another arm wrench, but Rhyno hits a knee to the midsection and backs Malenko to the corner.  Rhyno whips Malenko to the other buckle and charges in with a shoulderblock.  Malenko staggers out of the corner and into belly-to-belly suplex for two.  Rhyno scoops Malenko up and delivers a powerslam for two.  Rhyno is firmly in control.

Rhyno puts Malenko down with a couple of clotheslines, then a backdrop.  Malenko slowly gets up and Rhyno sizes him up for the Gore, but Malenko dodges and Rhyno crashes into the turnbuckle.  Malenko quickly transitions into a legsweep and then a short arm-scissors on the arm that just hit the turnbuckle.  The crowd starts with the "boring" chant again, so a frustrated Malenko transitions into another armbar variant.  The crowd doesn't seem to like that either.  They're so mean.  Malenko finally can't stand it anymore and yells out "WHAT IS IT YOU WANT FROM ME??!"  Even more frustrated, he tries to transition into the Texas Cloverleaf, but you don't want to underestimate Rhyno's leg strength, and he kicks Malenko off a good distance across the ring.  Both men get back to their feet, Malenko charges, and Rhyno counters with a spinebuster.  Rhyno once again sizes Malenko up for the Gore, and this time, it connects.  Rhyno covers to get the victory and retain the Intercontinental Title.

Rhyno pinned Dean Malenko with the Gore in 0:07:35.
Rating: * ¾
(Rhyno retained the WWL Intercontinental Title.)

As Rhyno celebrates his victory, we cut to a TV monitor in the back showing the match.  The camera zooms out to show Muhammad Hassan and Khosrow Daivari watching the monitor and seething.  Sean Edmunds is with them.

SE: I'm here with the man whom Rhyno def—

Hassan glares at Edmunds.  Edmunds backpedals.

SE: ...The man whom Rhyno FACED at You Only Live Twice, Muhammad Hassan.  Muhammad - and I say this knowing I am at risk for a painful response - last night, you came up short against Rhyno in a no-disqualification match.  What are your plans now?
MH: Let me tell you something, Sean.  I may have lost last night, but as you mentioned, it was in a no-disqualification match.  A match CLEARLY designed for a mindless Neanderthal like Rhyno.  Paul Heyman made that match no-disqualification for one reason and one reason only - he did not want me to win.  But that doesn't come as much of a surprise to me.  Just as I'm sure it doesn't come as much of a surprise to anyone else in this arena.  The message is simple.  Paul Heyman does not want me, an Arab-AMERICAN, holding the WWL Intercontinental Title.  And that is because Paul Heyman is just as IGNORANT and PREJUDICED as every other American who boos my name and chants "U.S.A." in a misguided attempt to insult me.  In fact, it wouldn't even shock me if I learned that Paul Heyman KNEW Rhyno had the Sandman waiting in the wings.  Well Sean, I've got a plan for Rhyno - he'll get his.  And if Paul Heyman continues to show nothing but HATRED and PREJUDICE toward Daivari and myself, he'll get his too.  But tonight, it's the Sandman's turn.  How fitting is it, Sean, that the man who cost me the Intercontinental Title last night is an overweight, chain-smoking, beer-swilling, weapon-loving slob whose own FAMILY abandoned him for a cult leader back in the 90's?  After Daivari beats the Sandman tonight, there will be no one to help Rhyno when I come for his title again.

Hassan makes as if he's going to hit Edmunds, then laughs when Edmunds flinches.  Daivari smirks at Edmunds as the Arab-Americans make their exit.


WWL Tag Team Title Tournament, Finals: Dudley Boyz vs. Lords of the Dance

After making their entrance, the Lords of the Dance bust into a dance routine as usual, but L.A. Park is smart enough to cut it short as the Dudley Boyz come barreling into the ring looking to gain an early advantage.  Park hooks it up with D-Von while Bubba Ray beats the living hell out of Ernest "The Cat" Miller.  Park is holding his own against D-Von until Bubba tosses the Cat through the ropes and comes over for the double-team.  The Dudleyz beat on Park and send him out as well with a double clothesline to make a very early statement -- they want the belts, and they aren't about to lose to no dancin' fools.

The match eventually gets started with Park (big surprise) against Bubba.  Park has shown himself capable in the last few weeks of picking up the slack for the Cat, but out of the four opponents he's had to face in the Tag Team Title Tournament, three have been smaller than him and the fourth was Muhammad Hassan, who only lost because Rhyno got him disqualified.  So Park has a lot more trouble taking on both Dudley Boyz.  Not that he doesn't try for the opening minutes of the match, but it quickly becomes clear that he's not going to be able to do this by himself.  Park is in hot water pretty quickly, as after a little bit of wearing down by the Dudleyz, the high-impact moves begin.  Bionic Elbow by Bubba gets two, as does a spinning back elbow from D-Von.  Park struggles with the idea of tagging in the Cat, and as he does, Bubba comes back in a Bubba Bomb.  Bubba covers, but Lamont distracts the ref before he can count.  Hey, Lamont has been more useful than the Cat so far.  Bubba goes over to get rid of Lamont, and Park slips away from him.  The referee turns to see a dazed Park crawl to his corner and instinctively tag Miller.  This can't be good.

The Cat is in, and he tries to dazzle Bubba Ray with his fancy footwork.  Bubba is not impressed.  Bubba takes a swing at the Cat, but the Cat dodges it and goes back to demonstrating his fancy footwork.  Bubba takes another swing, and the Cat dodges once again.  The Cat's not half bad at dodging when he's prepared.  I wonder if he can actually successfully execute an offensive maneuver.  The Cat continues to prance away from Bubba, but unfortunately, he backs right into the Dudleyz' corner, where D-Von, just to be a bastard, slaps him right in the back of the head.  The Cat stumbles forward and eats a clothesline from Bubba.  Bubba puts the Cat down with a few more clotheslines, then tags out to D-Von.  D-Von drops the Cat with a headbutt, then a suplex.  D-Von covers, but even the Cat can't be beaten with just a suplex, and he gets the shoulder up.  Hey, the Cat just kicked out of a pin attempt!  Good for him.  D-Von hammers away at the Cat, then tags Bubba back in.  Bubba connects with a backbreaker, but amazingly, the Cat manages to kick out of that too.  Bubba picks up the Cat, and he fights back with a flurry of punches.  The Cat comes off the ropes and runs right into a big backdrop.  Lamont gets up on the apron and starts protesting, and this time, the Dudleyz are ready for it, as Bubba holds the Cat in place while D-Von connects with the Whassup headbutt.  That's hardly necessary.  The Cat makes a big show of holding his nutsack in pain, and while that's going on, Park sneaks into the ring illegally and nails Bubba with a bulldog.

The Cat manages to squirm to his corner and tag Park in.  Park controls Bubba for a little while with assorted technical goodness and occasional luchadorery.  A neckbreaker gets two, as does La Magistral.  Park, with things pretty well in hand, tags the Cat, who gets in a few kicks peppered by the occasional dance move.  He even hits Bubba with a Bionic Elbow of his own (though the "roll-hands-and-grab-crotch" part is replaced by a funky dance move).  The Cat and Park tag off for a couple of minutes, with Park doing the lion's share of the work (but not really exerting himself a whole heck of a lot).  Bubba almost manages to tag out after countering a Park huracanrana with a powerbomb, but Park tags the Cat and the Cat dives to cut Bubba off at the last second.  The Cat hits some kicks to Bubba, drags him away from his corner, hits some more kicks, and tags Park back in.  Park really isn't ready to come back in after that powerbomb, but he soldiers on.  For a couple of seconds.  As Park works over Bubba in the corner, Bubba pushes his way out.  As Bubba tries to get to his corner, Park tries to hold him back, but Bubba gets a Bubba Cutter to put both men down.  Bubba finally manages to go over and make the hot tag to D-Von right as Park tags the Cat.

D-Von is in and full of BABYFACE FURY~, but the Cat doesn't want to be on the receiving end of that and he begs off.  D-Von goes over to him and gets a kick to the midsection.  The Cat traps D-Von in the corner with some kicks, but D-Von quickly turns it around and starts pummeling the Cat.  D-Von whips the Cat to the other buckle, charges in with a clothesline, whips him back to the first buckle again and hits a backdrop as the Cat stumbles out.  D-Von is in complete control.  He hits a neckbreaker and covers, but the Cat gets his foot on the rope.  D-Von hauls the Cat up and goes for the Saving Grace, but the Cat slips out and rolls out of the ring for a breather.  D-Von isn't having that, and he exits the ring to chase the Cat, who quickly re-enters.  D-Von re-enters the ring as well and gets kicked in the head on his way.  D-Von is back up and the Cat floors him with a spinning roundhouse.  He did an effective move!  The Cat is so proud of himself that he decides to celebrate with a dance routine.  No, Cat, no!  D-Von recovers and makes the tag to Bubba Ray, and they both position themselves behind the Cat.  The Cat turns around aaaaaaand...3-D!  Bubba covers, but Lamont is distracting the ref again.  D-Von goes over to dispose of him, and as Bubba sits up from the pin to see what's going on, Park is in out of nowhere and he waffles Bubba with his chair.  Park nudges the Cat with his boot and rolls him so his arm is across Bubba, then he throws the chair out of the ring and nails D-Von in the back.  D-Von tumbles through the ropes and Park goes out after him.  The referee turns to see the Cat pinning Bubba and makes the count...one...two...three!

Match for the vacant WWL World Tag Team Titles:
The Lords of the Dance (Ernest Miller and L.A. Park) defeated The Dudley Boyz (Bubba Ray Dudley and D-Von Dudley) when E. Miller defeated Bubba by pinfall in 0:12:40.
Rating: ***
(The Lords of the Dance won the WWL World Tag Team Titles.)

Un-frickin'-believable!  The Lords of the Dance are YOUR first-ever WWL Tag Team Champions!  The crowd boos furiously.  Park and Lamont gather up the Cat (who's once again dead) and haul him to the back, their new title belts in tow, before the Dudley Boyz can recover and kill them.


Meanwhile, Rico is backstage doing his makeup.  He frowns in the mirror.

R: Jackieeeeeee!

Miss Jackie walks onscreen.

MJ: What is it?
R: Does this look alright to you?
MJ: Oh, Rico, honey, it looks fine!
R: It just seems like something's missing!
MJ: I don't understand why you're so worried.
R: It's just that I've got a match with Matthew Bloom coming up next, and if I don't look FABULOUS for it...well...what will people think?
MJ: Oh, sweetheart, you look fabulous now!
R: Do you really think so?
MJ: Of course!  Goldie, come over here!  Doesn't Rico look fabulous?

Goldust walks onscreen.

GD: Er...um...of course.
R: Do you mean it, Goldie?
GD: Of course.  The...uh...rouge really brings out your cheekbones.
R: Tee hee!  You always know what to say.

Rico makes as if he's going to give Goldust a peck on the cheek, but Goldust backs off.

R: What's the matter, Goldie?
GD: Just...um...don't want you to ruin your makeup.  Your match is up next, right?
R: You're right.  I'm just being such a silly Billy.  Well, I've got a date with a lawyer.  Be back in a jiffy!

Rico prances off.  Miss Jackie smiles at Goldust.

MJ: You're such a good partner!
GD: Why thank you.

Jackie leaves to accompany Rico.  Goldust stares after them and shudders.

GD: I suppose some things I'm just not meant to understand.


Matthew Bloom vs. Rico

Matthew Bloom is out for some payback here after Rico got involved in his match at You Only Live Twice.  The Law Firm is of the opinion that Rico cost them the match against the Dudley Boyz, but all he really did was stop them from stealing it.  At any rate, Bloom is pissed, and he's all over Rico from the moment the match starts.  Bloom clubs away at Rico right off the bat, but Rico is able to get free and start unnerving Bloom with his...er...unique mannerisms.  You've really got to hand it to Rico -- it can't be easy pretending (at least we hope he's pretending) to be interested in a 350-pound bald guy with more body hair than 10 Ron Jeremies, but Rico pulls it off.  Rico's just teasing the massive Bloom to start, using his arsenal of slaps on the ass and kisses on the cheek.  Bloom is flustered, but he shakes off the embarrassment and stays in this one.

Bloom goes after Rico again, and this time Rico employs a different tactic, putting Bloom down with a drop toe hold and spinning over into a chin-and-leglock.  Rico could probably start humping Bloom to piss him off more, but he elects to just keep the hold locked in.  Bloom manages to get back to his feet and tries to counter with a back suplex, but Rico turns in midair and lands across him for a two-count.  Bloom gets up and goes for a clothesline, which Rico counters into a crucifix for another two.  Bloom tries to get back to his feet again, but Rico cuts him off with a hard kick to the sternum, then an elbow across the back of the head.  Rico covers for another two.  Rico gets Bloom to his feet and goes for a neckbreaker, but Bloom shoves him away.  Bloom charges in with a clothesline, which Rico ducks, but then he spins around and delivers a brutal clothesline to the back of the head.  Rico is down and holding the back of his head.  Rico slowly gets back to his feet as Bloom comes off the ropes and flattens him with a bicycle kick.  Bloom shouts at the crowd, hauls Rico up, and gives him the Settlement.  Bloom covers to get the victory.

Matthew Bloom pinned Rico with the Settlement in 0:05:51.
Rating: * ½

With Rico down and out, Bloom makes his move.  Clarence Mason distracts Miss Jackie for a second, allowing Bloom to sneak up on her, grab her by the hair, and drag her into the ring.  Andrew Martin quickly makes his way down to the ring as well, and the Law Firm surrounds Jackie.  They hold her in place as Mason starts yelling at her, no doubt about the sexual harassment she and Rico have allegedly perpetrated upon the Law Firm.  Mason rears back as though he's going to slap her, but then changes his mind, gets an evil look on his face, and puckers up.  Jackie struggles to get away, and while she's not about to overpower the Law Firm, it turns out she doesn't have to, as Goldust charges to the ring with a chair.  The Law Firm bails out as Goldust helps Miss Jackie to her feet, but as they back off, Martin (prick that he is) uses his body language to indicate that they were THIS CLOSE to doing something very unpleasant to Jackie.


Back in the locker room, it looks like we've got a party going on.  Lamont has a bottle of champagne and he's pouring out glasses of it for L.A. Park (who doesn't have a mouth hole in his mask) and Ernest "The Cat" Miller (who has no idea where he is).  Seeing no one really able to react, Lamont just shrugs his shoulders and chugs both glasses.  Then he topples over.  Park just sort of looks at Lamont sideways, then elects to poke the Cat, trying to wake him up.  The Cat jumps, looks around nervously, then sees the title belt draped across his shoulder.  His eyes grow wide and he leaps to his feet

EM: SOMEBODY CALL MY MOMMA!  I'm a Tag Team Champion!

The Cat dances a little jig, then gets woozy again and falls down.  Park shrugs, then leans back and rests his feet on the table in front of him.  After a second, the Cat and Lamont both get back to their feet.

EM: The Cat won, right?
L: You won, Cat!  You did it!  You beat those punk Dudley Boyz!  You're the champion now, Cat!  You're the greatest!
EM: I'm the greatest!
L: You're the greatest!
EM: I'm the greatest!

Park suddenly jumps to his feet and runs off.  The Cat and Lamont are briefly confused, but then they take off as well.  Seconds later, the Dudley Boyz run by the camera in hot pursuit.  If only someone had thought to crank up the Benny Hill music.


ALAYLEAHHHHHHHALAYLEAHLAYLEAHLAYLEAHHHHHHH...Here comes Khosrow Daivari, out for his match with the Sandman.  He enters the ring with a mic in hand.

KD: (shouts something incoherent in Farsi...and keeps shouting...with no end in sight...crowd getting restless...)

Cue "Enter Sandman!"  Finally.  The Sandman makes his way to the ring, a beer in his hand and a cigarette in his mouth.  He has a microphone of his own.

SM: What in the HELL are you TALKING about?  Listen Khosrow, the only Farsi I know is (something brief and incoherent) - that means "Where's the beer?"  But enough about that.  All I got to say to you is one thing.  I just came from Paul Heyman's office.  I had a favor to ask of him, and guess what?  This match is now under EXTREME rules!

Before Daivari can react, the Sandman clocks him with his beer can and the match is on!

Extreme Rules: Khosrow Daivari vs. The Sandman

The Sandman is all over Daivari to start, and it looks like this one might be over right quick.  This isn't Daivari's kind of match, after all -- the Sandman is right at home with the rule book thrown out the window, but Daivari's more used to distracting the ref so his ally can cheat.  Apples and oranges, y'know.  Sandman starts things off with some punchy-kicky-stompy, then goes out, reaches under the ring, and grabs...a Singapore cane.  The crowd is happy.  Sandman re-enters with the cane and wails away at Daivari's back, making it as loud as possible.  After a few shots, Sandman gloats to the crowd (and finally takes the cigarette out of his mouth), drawing some cheers.  But that also gives Daivari a moment to recover, and when Sandman goes over to dole out some more punishment, Daivari gives him an eye gouge.  Legal as a wristlock!  A move that the Sandman doesn't know.  Daivari chokes Sandman in the ropes, which is also as legal as a bunch of moves Sandman doesn't know.  With Sandman still in the ropes, Daivari kicks him in the back, then spies the Singapore cane.  Not one to pass up this kind of opportunity, Daivari picks it up and lets the Sandman have it across the back.  The Sandman winces, and Daivari nails him again.  Sandman kind of winces again, but -- this is odd -- that looks more like a smile than a grimace.  Daivari continues to assail the Sandman with the cane, but it seems like it's just getting him fired up.  Sandman picks himself up and looks to be doing some sort of Hulk-Up, but Daivari stops it with a stiff cane shot right to the forehead.  Sandman goes down and Daivari covers, but only gets a two-count.

Daivari continues to work over the Sandman, but mostly with stomps and such now.  After another pair of near-falls from a bulldog and a neckbreaker, Daivari whacks Sandman with the cane again and goes up top for the Magic Carpet Ride (flying legdrop), but nobody's home as the Sandman moves out of the way.  Sandman and Daivari both get back to their feet, and the Sandman fires off on Daivari with more punchy-kicky-stompy.  Sandman goes for the cane again, but Daivari ducks the shot and hits a dropkick.  Daivari now picks up the cane, but Sandman kicks him in the gut and delivers a DDT.  Sandman retakes control of the cane, and as Daivari staggers to his feet, Sandman takes his head off with a stiff cane shot.  Sandman covers and gets the win.

The Sandman pinned Khosrow Daivari after hitting him with a foreign object in 0:07:12.
Rating: * ½

The second the bell rings, Muhammad Hassan is in the ring assailing the Sandman.  He takes the cane and wails away at the Sandman with it, not giving him a chance to enjoy it.  The boos turn to cheers as Rhyno rushes to the ring and fires off on Hassan.  Rhyno hits a quick spinebuster and sizes Hassan up for the Gore, but Hassan gets his hands on the cane and nails Rhyno in the face with it as he charges.  Hassan beats on both Rhyno and Sandman while they're down, and Daivari gets back up to join him.  Hassan stands over the downed Rhyno and makes the universal "I want the belt" gesture, then he and Daivari head to the back.


We're backstage yet again.  Diamond Dallas Page is stretching when the Big Show walks in.

BS: DDP, we're up next.  You ready?
DDP: To put a beating on that jagoff Chris Jericho?  You bet I'm ready.  What about you?  You ready?
BS: Ready to show Wrestling Royalty just how much damage an angry freakin' giant can do?  Hell yeah, I'm ready.  And what about you?  You ready to step up to the plate and prove you can hang with the big boys?

The camera pans over to reveal...Rey Mysterio!

RM: I'm ready.  Now let's get out there.  I know three guys who are gonna get a beating like they've never experienced.

DDP, Big Show, and their new tag team partner Rey Mysterio head out to the ring.  That match...is NEXT!

Chris Jericho & Wrestling Royalty vs. Diamond Dallas Page, Big Show & Rey Mysterio

This match is a pier sixer right out of the gate.  DDP goes straight for Jericho as soon as he steps through the ropes, and all six men are brawling within seconds.  The result of this is Big Show clotheslining both members of Wrestling Royalty over the top and DDP knocking Jericho into position for the 619.  Rey gets ready to deliver it, but Jeff Jarrett pulls Jericho out before any damage can be done, and the heels have some time to regroup.

The match eventually gets started with DDP going up against Jarrett in a rematch from last week.  Technical wrestling leads to frequent tags on both sides in the opening minutes, with most of the superstars just doing their usual things (technical for DDP, Jarrett and Jericho, brawling for JBL, high-flying for Rey).  The mood of the match changes when Jericho tags out to JBL right as Rey tags out to the Big Show, who hadn't been in yet.  JBL wants to be cautious against Show, but Show quickly overpowers him (no small feat against a man of JBL's size, but a lot of feats seem small to the Big Show).  A collar-and-elbow tie-up into the corner leads to Show chucking JBL across the ring.  Show lays into JBL with open-hand slaps to the chest, making sure to shush the crowd so they get the full aesthetic benefit.  Jarrett comes in and tries to put a stop to it, but Big Show just tosses him right into JBL in the corner and, with JBL trapped behind Jarrett, Show lays into Jarrett with the open-hand slaps as well.  Jericho makes like he's going to come break that up, but Show just glares at him and Jericho strolls back to his corner, whistling a happy tune.  Show backs off, then charges into the corner, crushing both Jarrett and JBL.  Jarrett rolls out of the ring and JBL collapses to the canvas.  Show covers, but only gets two.

Show tags out to DDP, who works over JBL for a little while in the corner.  DDP then tags out to Rey.  Rey hits some kicks to JBL's leg, then comes off the ropes and hits a flying clothesline for two.  Not giving JBL any time to recover, Rey hits him with his get-lifted-up-and-counter-with-bulldog move for another two, then a sunset flip for another two.  Rey is moving too fast for JBL.  As Rey comes off the ropes again, though, JBL is ready for him and he clobbers Rey with a big boot.  JBL tags out to Jarrett, who goes to work on Rey in the corner.  Jarrett sends Rey off the ropes and hits a hiptoss, then goes into an armbar.  Rey gets out of it with some shots to the face, but Jarrett hits a knee to the gut and follows up with a backbreaker.  Cover gets two.  Jarrett tags out to Jericho, who hits Rey with a hard kick to the back as he's down on the canvas.  Jericho nails Rey with a back suplex, then covers with one foot for the kickout (big surprise there).  Jericho delivers another backbreaker to Rey, and keeps him across the knee for a submission maneuver.  But Rey won't give up, and after he nails Jericho in the face a few times, Jericho lets go and tags JBL in.  JBL hits some stomps to Rey, then gets him to his feet.  Rey is sent off the ropes, and while he ducks a JBL back elbow, a crossbody on the rebound is caught and turned into the Last Call.  JBL wastes too much time before covering, though, and Rey kicks out.  JBL tags Jarrett back in.

Jarrett beats on Rey a bit, then tries to apply a figure-four, but Rey kicks him off.  Rey tries to make the tag, but Jarrett drags him back to the center of the ring by the leg.  Rey gets to his feet and hits an enzuigiri to the face to escape.  Jarrett is stunned and Rey tries to get to his corner and tag out, but Jarrett charges in and chop-blocks him at the last second.  Jarrett drags Rey away from his corner, and this time he succeeds in applying the figure-four.  Rey is in a lot of pain, but there's no quit in his 165-pound form.  Rey seems to be getting up the will to break the hold, but JBL goes to the floor and grabs Jarrett's hands for leverage, allowing him to wrench the hold in harder on Rey.  JBL lets go before the ref can catch him.  Rey starts getting the energy to fight out again, and JBL goes out to add leverage again, and this time, he's busted.  The referee forces Jarrett to break the hold.  Jarrett protests loudly, then picks up Rey, but Rey surprises him with a small package.  Jarrett kicks out, and then runs into a spinning heel kick from Rey.  Both men are down again.  Jarrett tags Jericho, and he just BARELY fails to stop Rey from tagging DDP.

DDP is in, and he's been looking for a chance to kill Jericho all night.  Jericho tries to run back to his corner and tag out, but nothing doing.  DDP spins him around and hits a flapjack.  JBL in, nailed with a clothesline.  Jarrett in, nailed with a clothesline.  DDP will not be stopped.  DDP hits Jericho with a bulldog and gets a two-count.  DDP sends Jericho off the ropes and nails a back body drop, then drops Jericho with a big clothesline for another two.  DDP connects with a piledriver and covers, but Jericho gets his foot on the ropes.  DDP is feeling it now.  He gives the sign for the Diamond Cutter as Jericho gets to his feet, but when he goes for the move, Jericho shoves him off RIGHT into the Clothesline From Hell!  JBL just came in out of nowhere and took DDP OUT.  Big Show is in now, and so is Rey, and so is Jarrett, and we're right back to where we started.
Big Show nails Jarrett and JBL with a double clothesline to start.  He then works over JBL in one corner while Rey works over Jarrett in the other.  Jericho and DDP are both down.  Rey backs off and charges at Jarrett, but gets a foot to the face.  Jarrett goes over and nails Big Show from behind, and he and JBL send Big Show to the outside and go out to double-team him.  Wrestling Royalty get some stomps in on Big Show, then set him up for a double suplex on the outside, but...come on, does that EVER work?  Big Show suplexes the both of them on the outside.  Ouch.  Big Show hauls both members of Wrestling Royalty to their feet, then backs away.  Huh?  JBL and Jarrett are just as confused as everyone else until Mysterio comes soaring in out of nowhere with a crazy-ass somersault plancha dealie onto them, effectively taking out JBL, Jarrett AND Rey all at the same time.

Meanwhile, inside the ring, DDP is back to his feet and he tries to pick Jericho up, but with the ref's eyes on the outside of the ring, Jericho hits him with a low blow.  Jericho takes DDP down and is trying to get the Walls of Jericho sinched in.  DDP is struggling but not...quite...ENOUGH as Jericho gets it locked in.  DDP is pretty close to his corner, though, and as he reaches out in an attempt to grab the rope, Big Show nonchalantly tags himself in.  Jericho doesn't even notice as Big Show steps through the ropes, but he damn sure notices as Big Show goozles him and pulls him right off DDP.  Jericho is too taken aback to react.  SHOW STOPPER.  Big Show covers and GETS THE PIN.

Diamond Dallas Page, The Big Show and Rey Mysterio defeated Wrestling Royalty (Jeff Jarrett and John Bradshaw Layfield) and Chris Jericho when Show pinned Jericho with the Show Stopper in 0:16:37.
Rating: ***

Jerichoholics Anonymous quickly run down to the ring and gather up their leader.  Big Show does his "raise arm in threatening way" pose in the ring as Jericho starts to shake the cobwebs out and realize what just happened.

HTM: Can you believe this?  The Big Show has just pinned the World Heavyweight Champion!
GB: I can believe it, but I'd say, from the look on Chris Jericho's face, he can't believe it!
HTM: Well he'd better believe it, because I think he's going to have a big problem - a big, 500-pound problem!
GB: This is DEFINITELY going to make the WWL World Heavyweight Title picture more interesting!  But for now, we are outta time!  This is Garth Bishop, for the Honky Tonk Man!  GOOD NIGHT!


Card rating: ** 1/4
Snabbit888Posted on 09/05/05 at 05:09:30

A solid opening promo once again.  Good stuff from JBL, a little less than stellar from Jericho (but he was suffering from last night, so I understand).  and well, Jarrett is Jarrett.  Interested to see who Show/DDP pick as partner three.  All I know is with his injury, this show needs more Kane.

HBK with the oh so obvious win against Andrew Martin, and once again, Carlito gets the better of Michaels.  Hrm...

Juvi can't even get a win over Ultimo Dragon in a tag team match.  But it's okay, because it was Noble's fault!

Poor poor boring Dean Malenko.  The sad thing is, if Malenko came back to wrestling, he probably would get tons of boring chants.  Poor guy.  Rhyno retains the IC Title, and no one is surprised.

I miss Hassan. :(

Ernest Miller and L.A. Park are tag team champions! *marks right the fuck out*

Rico is even too homoerotic for Goldust!

Bloom beats Rico, and I am sad, and Goldust proves to be such a noble soul.

I like Daivari, but how the hell did he last 7 minutes in an extreme rules match with The Sandman?  Yowzers.

With that pin, it looks like we have our next contender for the World Heavyweight Title in the form of the Big Show... but since JBL pinned him at YOLT, maybe a triple threat match?

Good stuff.