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WWL Monday Night Action: 5/16/05

AllPowerfulGARTHPosted on 07/22/05 at 05:51:36

Video package-age.

GB: Monday! Night! Action! Welcome to it, WWL fans! We are LIVE here tonight and we are ready to rock 'n roll! I'm Garth Bishop, and speaking of rock 'n roll, I'm joined, as always, by the Honky Tonk Man!
HTM: Always good to be here, Garth!
GB: It is indeed! Your weekly dose of awesomeness is on its way, as we've already got several big matches signed for tonight's show! Two prestigious WWL titles are on the line, as in one match, Ultimo Dragon will defend the Cruiserweight Title against Chris Jericho's stunt double, Lenny Lane!
HTM: And we'll also see the Intercontinental Title defended, as Rhyno DEMANDED a match against Muhammad Hassan after Hassan attacked him from behind last week!
GB: Plus, there will be yet another match in the WWL Tag Team Title Tournament, although, of course, we won't know who the participants are until the match begins.
HTM: Plus, we'll see appearances from—

PTOO! "I spit in the face of people who don't want to be cool!" Carlito comes down to the ring.

CCC: Did you miss me?

Inside joke - Carlito just main-evented the Rush tapings a few minutes ago.

CCC: Now, don't worry - Carlito's not out here to tell all of you how uncool you are. That's not what Carlito is about. After all, why bother expending the effort to tell you all how uncool you are when a mirror can do the job for me? Or hey, if you can't afford a mirror on the money you get from your part-time job at Shoney's, just yell up the basement stairs and ask your parents. If you can hear them over the Dragon Ball Z marathon you've been watching for the past five hours, I'm sure they can tell you much better than Carlito can.

Carlito gives the boos a minute to sink in.

CCC: But that's not what Carlito is here to talk about tonight. No, no, tonight Carlito is here to talk about what happened last week. Because last week's Action was not a good night for Carlito. Now Carlito may have been pinned by Diamond Dallas Page, but that isn't important. What's important is that Carlito was forced into that match by Paul Heyman. And that? That's not cool. Now don't get me wrong, there's nothing Carlito would enjoy more than beating the living hell out of Diamond Dallas Page and...(scoffing) Shawn Michaels. But let's face it. Last week, Carlito...Carlito wasn't ready for the match.

More booing. Carlito is such a great chickenshit.

CCC: And it's a travesty that Carlito was forced into a match for which he wasn't ready! Because mark Carlito's words. If I had been ready for that match, Shawn Michaels would have been Carlito's bitch. And that? That's cool.

Dum dum dum dum OHH OHH SHAWN. Carlito acts surprised, but really, he shouldn't be.

SM: Pardon me for interrupting ya, Carlito. I can't help but notice that once again, you're out here running your mouth about how easily you could beat me. And yet, you said that exact same thing last week, and at the end of the night, it was YOU getting your shoulders pinned to the mat for the three-count. So let me just get this question out of the way right now - are you actually ready to back up your bragging? 'Cause I'm going to head down to that ring right now, and if yer still "not ready," I'm gonna give ya ten seconds to start running. Ten! Nine! Eight!
CCC: You know what, Shawn? You know what? You want to prove Carlito wrong? Fine. Come and get me.
SM: Sevensixfivefourthreetwoone!

Carlito beckons Shawn to come get him and Shawn heads down to the ring, but before he can get there he's jumped from behind by the Law Firm of Mason, Martin & Bloom. Martin and Bloom stomp Shawn and throw him in the ring. Carlito joins in on the stompery while Shawn covers up. But, the beatdown doesn't last too long, as here's Diamond Dallas Page to make the save. Carlito bails out as soon as he sees DDP coming, leaving DDP and Shawn to fend off Martin and Bloom, which they do handily. Carlito jaws at DDP and Michaels as he and the Law Firm regroup. Commercial time.

Coming back from commercial, we see Paul Heyman sitting in his office pretending to look at paperwork. Seconds later, Shawn Michaels bursts in.

PH: Shawn! What can I do for—
SM: Paul, I am SICK and TIRED of getting jumped from behind all the time! I am going to teach that punk Carlito a lesson tonight, whether it's in a match or not, and I strongly advise you to MAKE it a match, because if you don't, it's going to be whooooole lot uglier!
PH: Shawn, try to understand. I gave you Carlito last week in a tag match, but the two of you have a date set for You Only Live Twice, and I can't spoil that by putting you in a match on—
SM: Yer not LISTENING to me! I told you, I want Carlito, one-on-one, here tonight, and whether or not you sanction it, it IS going to happen!

DDP enters Heyman's office to break the standoff.

DDP: Hold on. What's the problem in here?
PH: You try talking to him. He won't listen to me.
SM: WON'T LISTEN? All I want is a shot at Carlito, and you are being THOROUGHLY—
DDP: Shawn, calm down. You'll get your chance at Carlito, just like I'll get my chance at Chris Jericho, but it's not going to be tonight. Tonight, we'll just...

You can practically see the light bulb appear above DDP's head.

DDP: Say, Paul...does the Law Firm have a match tonight?
PH: Why, no, Dallas. They don't.
DDP: You think maybe you could arrange one?
PH: You know, that sounds like a fantastic idea. I'll sign the match right now. If that's all right with you, too, Shawn.
SM: Alright, Paul. But let me assure you, if I do cross paths with Carlito again tonight, it will NOT be pretty.
PH: Understood. Good luck in your match, gentlemen.

Goldust vs. John Bradshaw Layfield

Now that Wrestling Royalty have found out they'll be facing the Big Show and Kane at You Only Live Twice, they're out to make a statement and hopefully divert some of the intimidation their opponents carry with them. That starts tonight with Goldust. Right out of the gate, JBL is all over Goldust, trying to take him down quick with sheer brute force. But Goldust is clever, and not exactly a 90-pound weakling himself, so he's able to hold his own fairly well against JBL. After some back-and-forth, JBL gets a sustained advantage by throwing Goldust into the ringpost on the outside. JBL dominates Goldust, but the Bizarre One shows great resolve. Big boot gets two. Last Call gets two. JBL goes for the Clothesline From Hell, but Goldust ducks and drops JBL with a butt-bump on the rebound. Both men down.

JBL is up first, but Goldust is fighting back furiously. Goldust gets JBL with a flying clothesline, then gets him in the corner for a ten-punch (and the obligatory big kiss midway through). JBL is reeling. Goldust whips JBL to the opposite turnbuckle and charges in, but JBL gets a boot up. JBL takes a big risk and climbs up top. JBL flies off, and Goldust catches him in the air and uses JBL's momentum to deliver the Shock Treatment. Goldust covers, but amazingly, JBL gets the shoulder up at two and seven-eighths! Goldust can't believe it. Goldust pushes JBL back into the corner and sets him up for some Shattered Dreams, but while Goldust poses, JBL manages to get himself free. Goldust simply charges in for a clothesline, but JBL moves and Goldust eats turnbuckle. JBL bounces off the ropes and takes Goldust's head off with the Clothesline From Hell. Cover gets three.

John Bradshaw Layfield pinned Goldust with the Clothesline From Hell in 0:09:31.
Rating: ***

Post-match, JBL continues stomping Goldust. He even sets up Goldust in the corner for some Shattered Dreams of his own! Rico runs down and manages to rescue Goldust from scrotal catastrophe (which would be a great name for a band), but he only gets in some brief offense before Jeff Jarrett comes down to even the sides. Jarrett holds up Rico for a Clothesline From Hell from JBL, then JBL pushes Goldust over to Jarrett for the Stroke. Wrestling Royalty may have succeeded in sending a message to Big Show and Kane -- they can do some damage, too.

Backstage...

SE: Wrestling Royalty, there sending a message to the Big Show and Kane of what they're capable of. And right now, I have one of those men with me. He is the largest athlete in sports entertainment today...ladies and gentlemen, the Big Show. Big Show, Wrestling Royalty are clearly trying to send you a message - so the question is, do you have a message for them?
BS: Sean, it's not really a question of whether or not I HAVE a message. I've already sent a message to Wrestling Royalty. I sent a message to Jeff Jarrett when I beat him in the first round of the World Heavyweight Title Tournament. I sent a message to John Bradshaw Layfield when I beat him in the semifinal round of the World Heavyweight Title Tournament. The problem is that they haven't GOTTEN the message yet.
SE: Do you think you could indulge us as to what that message is?
BS: Well that message is very simple Sean. That message is that I am seven foot two, five hundred pounds, and when people like Jeff Jarrett and John Bradshaw Layfield push me, I push back with all seven feet two inches, all five hundred pounds. And when I clash with them at You Only Live Twice, they're going to see just how hard seven feet two inches, five hundred pounds can push.
SE: I can't help but notice, Big Show, that you've only mentioned your end of this. What about your tag team partner in that match - the Big Red Machine, Kane?
BS: Truth be told, Sean, Kane and I haven't said word one to each other since we came to the WWL. Are Kane and I on the same page? I don't know. I can guess that Kane wants to get his hands on Wrestling Royalty just like I do, but let me make this clear - Kane or no Kane, I WILL beat some respect into those two jackasses at You Only Live Twice. And you can take that to the bank.

Big Show stomps away.

Cruiserweight Title Match: Lenny Lane vs. Ultimo Dragon (c)

Lenny Lane is getting a huge opportunity here. It's a good thing WWL is fairly new, because otherwise he wouldn't be getting a Cruiserweight Title shot in his first singles match, but hey, there are only so many heel cruiserweights out there. Lenny may have been brought into the WWL as a stunt double for Chris Jericho, but he's a right decent little wrestler, and he's ready to give Ultimo Dragon a run for his money (and his belt). Lenny's style is mostly mat-based these days, so he and Dragon start things out with a little chain wrestling. Soon, though, Dragon takes advantage by incorporating some martial arts moves and has Lenny on the run for a little while. When Dragon goes for the Asai DDT, Lenny pushes him off, over the top rope onto the apron. Dragon lands on his feet, and when Lenny turns to go after him, Dragon manages to suplex him to the outside. With Lenny down on the outside, Dragon gets back in the ring, hits the ropes and is looking for a plancha of some sort, but Lenny hits the deck and Dragon slides out instead to attack Lenny. Lenny gets the advantage on the outside, though, and he sends Dragon into the barricade, then drops him with a clothesline. Now it's Lenny's turn to do something stupid, and he goes up to the top rope and soars off onto Dragon! Lenny took a big risk, but it paid off, and now he's in control.

Lenny chucks Dragon back in the ring and goes back to mat-wrestling. Lenny manages to keep Dragon under control, but nothing he's doing is keeping the Cruiserweight Champion down. Lenny works over Dragon in the corner, then tries to pull him into the center of the ring by the leg, so Dragon counters with an enzuigiri. That throws Lenny off balance, and Dragon takes control. Dragon has a brief period of dominance, but the two men then start trading moves. Dragon goes for a whip, Lenny reverses and charges at Dragon. Dragon ducks under a Lane clothesline, and as Lenny goes for a spinning heel kick on the rebound, Dragon dodges that too. Dragon springs to the second rope as Lenny gets up and turns around, and connects with an Asai moonsault bodyblock to get the three.

Ultimo Dragon pinned Lenny Lane after an Asai moonsault bodyblock in 0:10:40.
Rating: ***
(Ultimo Dragon retained the WWL Cruiserweight Title.)

Dragon celebrates his victory, but he only gets in about three seconds of celebration before Juventud Guerrera is in to attack him. Juvi hammers away, but Dragon still seems to have his number. Juvi scoops up Dragon for the Juvi Driver, but Dragon slips out and puts Juvi in the Dragon Sleeper! Juvi quickly bails out, shamed yet again.

As we come back from commercial, Juventud Guerrera is ranting to some random backstage official.

JG: ...just un-be-frickin'-lievable! The disrespect! THE DISRESPECT! Can you believe, can you FATHOM the insolence being displayed by that jerk-ass Ultimo Dragon? Can you believe it, Todd?
Random official: Er, my name is Frank.
JG: IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS! The Juice will not stand idly by and be disrespected by...this...disrespectful...person, Ultimo Dragon! Last week, the Juice challenged Ultimo Dragon to a Cruiserweight Title match, and if Dragon doesn't accept, it will just prove to the Juice that—

Ultimo Dragon walks onscreen.

JG: YOU! Hold the Juice back, Todd! Hold the Juice back!

Todd/Frank doesn't move. Juvi shoots him an evil look.

JG: Come on, hold the Juice back. You're making the Juice look bad.

Todd/Frank holds Juvi back and Juvi acts like he's trying to get at Dragon.

JG: What do you have to say, Dragon? Do you accept the Juice's challenge? Because the Juice is about two seconds away from laying the smack down on your punk ass! Do you hear the Juice?
UD: I accept your challenge.

Dragon scoffs at Juvi and walks away.

JG: That's it? THAT'S IT? Come back here and subject yourself to further insult! The Juice is not done yelling at you! Do you hear the Juice? Come back here! The Juice will not tolerate this sort of blatant disregard for his—

A promo for You Only Live Twice interrupts Juvi.

Aaaaand we're back to the ring. Muhammad Hassan, accompanied by Khosrow Daivari, is making his entrance for his Intercontinental Title match against Rhyno. Predictably, he has a mic. And he's actually going to get to use it, because the WWL ain't on no bitch-ass UPN.

MH: Once again, I find myself surrounded by ignorance. Every time you people hear my music start up, every time I walk down to this ring, and every time I walk out of my match the victor, you people boo. You people bring signs to the ring that say things like "America - love it or leave it" or "Go back to Afghanistan." You people INCESSANTLY chant "U.S.A." at me, despite the fact that I am, in fact, an Arab-AMERICAN. I come out here every week and TELL you people that I am just as American as each and every one of you, and yet you CONTINUE to direct such ignorant taunts at me. You won't even take the time to listen to what I have to say! You're just as lazy as you are ignorant. And yet you wonder just why it is that the rest of the world has such a grudge against America. I know your government tells you it's because the rest of the world "hates your freedom." But the simple truth is that the rest of the world hates your IGNORANCE! And you somehow feel that you have the right to accuse ME of being un-American? Well let me introduce each and every one of you to the cold, hard truth! It is lazy, ignorant Americans like yourselves that give honest, hardworking Americans like Daivari and me a bad name!

MASSIVE boos for that. Well, massive boos throughout...but massiver boos now.

KD: (shouts something incomprehensible in Farsi, but...)

Mid-Daivari rant, Rhyno's music cues up and he charges down to the ring, dropping the Intercontinental Title belt on the entrance ramp. Hassan immediately bails out, and slowly circles the ring before re-entering the ring to start the match.

Intercontinental Title match: Muhammad Hassan vs. Rhyno (c)

The initial period of the match is just feeling out, but Rhyno takes the first advantage with sheer strength. Rhyno gets some big impact early on with clotheslines and a huge shoulderblock in the corner. Rhyno's in control, but Daivari gets up on the apron to yell at him. Rhyno turns his attention to Daivari and socks him off the apron. With Rhyno distracted, Hassan nails him with a big clothesline to the back of the head and takes advantage, adding in some chokes to further stem the tide in his favor. Hassan is working to wear down Rhyno, but someone as aggressive as Rhyno cannot be kept at bay so easily. As Hassan goes for his modified STO, Rhyno hits a knee to the midsection, then follows up with a variant on a Doctor Bomb. Rhyno is dazed, and by the time he goes for the cover, he only gets two. Nonetheless, he's now in control again. Rhyno drops Hassan with a big shoulderblock, then pastes him with a massive spinebuster. Rhyno says this one's over, but Daivari is in with a steel chair. Before he can use it, Rhyno Gores him into next week. Rhyno, infuriated at the cheap tactics of the Arab-Americans, picks up the chair and nails Hassan in the back with it as he gets to his feet, drawing the DQ.

Muhammad Hassan defeated Rhyno by disqualification in 0:07:42.
Rating: *
(Rhyno retained the WWL Intercontinental Title.)

Rhyno stands over Hassan with the chair as Hassan begs off. Rhyno hesitates for a second, allowing Hassan the chance to deliver a mighty uppercut to the nutsack. Hassan gets back up and hits his modified STO on Rhyno. Hassan gets the chair and whacks Rhyno in the back with it, then puts him in the Camel Clutch as Daivari gets back to his feet and groggily taunts Rhyno. Once again, Hassan and Daivari leave Rhyno lying.

Well, WWL fans have just gotten done booing Muhammad Hassan, so coming back from commercial...time for more boos as Chris Jericho makes his way to the ring! He's flanked by his flunkies, Jerichoholics Anonymous, and look out! He's armed! With a microphone!

CJ: Wellllllllcome...to Monday! Night! Jeraction!

Jericho glances at Disco Inferno and Lenny Lane, who give him the thumbs-up on that pun.

CJ: We are now two - just two! - weeks away from You Only Live Twice. Yes, You Only Live Twice - a pay-per-view EXTRAVAGANZA that will, of course, be main evented by none other than yours truly, the Ayatollah of Rock 'n Rollah and one bad mamma jamma, Y-2-J! Yes, I can see your eyes light up as the wave of excitement passes over you, and it is duly noted. But everyone in this arena, everyone watching on television, and everyone too poor to do either but hoping beyond hope that someone with the means to do so will tell them about it later, knows that a dark cloud of mediocrity hangs over what will indubitably be a stellar performance from Y2J's spectacular self. And that is the fact that my fantastic main event match will be polluted by the utter embodiment of suck himself, Diamond Dennis. Truly, Diamond Dennis brings new definition to such terms as "boring," "monotonous," "humdrum," "drab," "worrisome," "drudging" and even, dare I say it, "platitudinous."

Disco and Lenny nod assent, even though the looks on their faces says they don't know what that last word means.

CJ: Everyone in this arena tonight knows that the words I speak are true. Everyone watching on television tonight knows that the words I speak are true. Everyone without the means for either...well, they appreciate Diamond Dennis's value as a sleep aid, I'm sure. Now, I know there are still one or two people who still think Diamond Dennis is interesting, but for those disillusioned few, I have video evidence to back up my claims. Behold!

The video monitor comes alive with an image of Diamond Dallas Page from last week, mixing it up with Carlito Caribbean Cool. But they seem just a tad...different. What could it be? Oh, perhaps it's the fact that the sound has been dubbed over with loud snoring and crickets chirping.

CJ: The horror! The horror! And the boredom! OH, the boredom! Hey, if you turn the volume up all the way, you can even hear the crickets falling asleep, but I think you get the idea.

The video stops playing.

CJ: Now, I know you're all thinking, "Well golly gosh gee goldarn, Y2J, how are you going to live up to the expectations of your bajillions of Jerichoholics with such a dull opponent?" Never fear! For, as always, your hero has a plan. Yes, that's right, for the benefit of you, the Jerichoholics who YEARN to someday be close to inches away from almost nearly as practically cool as the Highlight of the Night himself, I have formulated a brilliant strategy! I spent many painstaking hours going through hour after hour of Diamond Dennis's yawn-inspiring history, and I have found THE single most captivating experience of Diamond Dennis's lackluster career. With this to study, I am confident that I CAN, in fact, make Diamond Dennis interesting at You Only Live Twice. So without further ado, I invite you to gaze upon the sheer GENIUS that is Y-2-J's master plan - behold THE most entertaining moment of Diamond Dennis's career!

The video monitor comes alive again with - a video of DDP tapping out to the Walls of Jericho a month ago. Looped. Over and over and over again. Once again, the background noise is dubbed over, this time with cheers and shouts of adulation.

"Yo! It's me! It's D-D-P!" The dubbed cheering is replaced with live cheering as DDP comes out to the entrance ramp, mic in hand.

CJ: What the hell are you doing here? I was doing you a favor! I slaved over a hot tape library all day, and THIS is the thanks I get?
DDP: Oh, Lord. Why don't you take some of your own advice and SHUT! THE HELL! UP!

Jericho gives us "flabbergasted."

DDP: You want to come out here and complain about how uninteresting I am? Well, I think it's high time I come out here and tell you just how SICK and TIRED I am of having to watch you come out here and act like a jackass week in and week out! I'm sick of your fourth-grade insults, I'm sick of your cowardice, I'm sick of your pathetic sidekicks, and I'm sick of your voice! But there's one thing that I, and every one of these people here tonight, am sick of more than anything else. And that, Y2J, is seeing that championship belt around your waist!

Big cheers for that.

DDP: Now, I may not be able to get you to stop acting like child. I may not be able to stop you from being a coward. I may not be able to stop you from dragging those sorry bastards you call your "Jerichoholics Anonymous" around, and I may not even be able to shut your big mouth. But all of that doesn't matter, because what I CAN do is take that WWL World Heavyweight Title belt and move it to someplace it belongs - right here!

DDP makes the universal "I want the belt" gesture.

CJ: Hey! I hate to interrupt your little self-esteem-fest, but need I remind you that the last time you made that kind of promise to beat me, you FAILED? Because I can put the footage right back up on that screen, Diamond Dennis!
DDP: You know what? I've got a better idea. Why don't we make some new footage, right here, right now? In fact, I think what I'm going to do is head down to that ring right now and give you a little preview of You Only Live Twice - which is where you, for all your posturing, will only be able to accomplish one thing...and that is FEEL...THE...BANG!

DDP starts his way down to ringside. Jericho beckons him to come on, but as soon as DDP hits the ring, Jericho flees. That leaves Disco Inferno and Lenny Lane, who are quickly tossed out by DDP. DDP gives the Diamond Cutter sign as Y2J and his cronies retreat up the ramp.

Chris Masters vs. Big Show

Not to be outdone by the earlier display from Wrestling Royalty, the Big Show is out to make an impression of his own tonight (as he specified in his interview with Sean Edmunds). And who better to make it against than the Masterpiece, Chris Masters? Masters, sensing that he will need an extra edge in this match, attacks Big Show from behind while he's still posing during his entrance. Masters beats on Big Show for a short period of time, then Big Show throws him off. Big Show dominates the Masterpiece with big open-hand slaps. Big Show sends Masters off the ropes and catches him on the rebound, tossing him high in the air. Big Show is basically just toying with Masters here. After another minute or so of domination, Big Show sets up Masters for the Show Stopper, but Masters knees his way out of it, then hammers on Big Show's back. Masters manages to get Big Show down to one knee, and he immediately slips behind and applies the Masterlock. Big Show struggles to get back to his feet, but he does manage it. Masters, finding himself in trouble (and being his usual confused self) jumps on Big Show's back, so Big Show simply falls backward and crushes Masters. Masters is out, so Big Show grabs him by the throat, pulls him to his feet, and delivers the Show Stopper to end it.

The Big Show pinned Chris Masters with the Show Stopper in 0:05:11.
Rating: * ¾

As Show celebrates his victory, WABOOM HELLFIRE AND BRIMSTONE. Kane makes his way to the ring and stands face-to-face with Big Show. These two have helped each other out before, but they've never teamed up in the WWL (or, for that matter, spoken to each other, as far as we know). The staredown of the two big bald monsters lasts a bit longer until Chris Masters (idiot that he is) gets back up and stupidly attacks Big Show from behind, in search of some mute revenge. Big Show doesn't even sell the shot, and he drops Masters with a headbutt. Masters gets back up and Kane goozles him, then delivers a chokeslam of his own to the Masterpiece. Big Show and Kane stare each other down again for a second, and then Kane raises his arms and blows his turnbuckle pyro in an apparent gesture of solidarity.

Backstage, Wrestling Royalty are watching the happenings in the ring on a monitor. Maria the Mic Stand sneaks up behind them.

MtMS: Maria here, backstage with Wrestling Royalty. Gentlemen, your thoughts on your match?

Collective rolling of the eyes from Wrestling Royalty.

JJ: Why us?
JBL: SOMEONE has to be the victim every week, I guess.
JJ: Thoughts on our match? I didn't even HAVE a—
JBL: You know it's not worth it, right?
JJ: Right, right.
JBL: Listen here, sweetheart. I'm not sure you can comprehend what I'm saying, but I AM sure that Big Show and Kane can. Listen here, you two lumbering idiots, you think the King of the Mountain and a Wrestling GOD are intimidated by that little show you just put on? Well I'm about as scared of you two as I am of this dim-witted bimbo! Earlier tonight, Wrestling Royalty sent you two a message - that we can, and will, destroy anyone who gets in our way!
JJ: That's right! Kane, Big Show, you think you can impress us with your little fireworks display? That's real cute, but let me tell you two jokers something - the only fireworks you're going to see at You Only Live Twice are the ones going off in your heads as you lie flat on your backs on the mat!
JBL: Big Show, Kane, what the two of you fail to understand is that you are not OPPONENTS to us. You are merely obstacles in our path to win the WWL World Heavyweight Title. And just as Jeff and I can easily beat either of you one-on-one, we will beat you in that tag match at You Only Live Twice and prove that we are THE driving force behind the World Wrestling League! Big Show, you big goofy bastard, you think beating Chris Masters is going to intimidate me? Think again! You got lucky at The World Is Not Enough, but you know, and I know, that I can beat your big, slow ass any day of the week!

Suddenly, Jarrett's look of confidence fades away.

JBL: And furthermore, you big stupid piece of garbage, I am willing to prove that fact to you anytime, anywhere, any...what's that look for?

Jarrett slaps his forehead. JBL looks to his left, and the camera pans over to show Paul Heyman standing right next to him.

JBL: Don't you dare.
PH: John Bradshaw Layfield...
JBL: DON'T YOU DARE.
PH: ...versus the Big Show...
JBL: I SAID, DON'T YOU—
PH: ...next week on Monday Night Action!

Heyman gives JBL a big old grin and leaves. JBL gives us equal parts "nervous" and "enraged."

JBL: Every time! EVERY TIME! HOW is he always THERE?

Jarrett shrugs. The tape recorder in Maria's head rewinds.

MtMS: Maria here, backstage with Wrestling Royalty. Gentlemen, your thoughts on your match?
JBL: WHAT ON EARTH IS WRONG WITH YOU??!
JJ: You know it's not worth it, right?
JBL: ...Yeah. Right.

Wrestling Royalty stomp off in a huff as Maria...well...doesn't really register any emotion.

Tag Team Title Tournament: La Resistance vs. Scotty 2-Hotty & Shannon Moore

Aaaaand here are your two surprise teams for this week's first-round Tag Team Title Tournament match: La Resistance and the team of Scotty 2-Hotty & Shannon Moore. I didn't deem it really necessary to give them surprise introductions because...well...you can guess.

This one is fairly standard to start. La Res, being the heels, mostly rely on assholery to have an edge in this one, but Scotty and Shannon are taking this opportunity to show what they can do as a team, and it's actually pretty impressive. La Res try to corner and isolate each of their opponents at some point, but Scotty and Shannon are showing remarkable teamwork, and they won't let La Res play their "isolate one guy and beat on him" game. Midway through the match, L.A. Park and Ernest "The Cat" Miller appear at the top of the entrance ramp to watch the proceedings, using chairs provided by the Chairman himself, Mr. Park. This moderate distraction allows La Res to finally get the edge, as Sylvain Grenier pastes Scotty 2-Hotty with a DDT and the double-teamery begins. La Res gang up on Scotty for awhile, but as their offense is not really big on high-impact moves, Scotty is able to keep himself from being pinned. When Dupree goes for the Dupree Driver, Scotty manages to spin around and counter with a DDT of his own. Scotty makes the hot tag to Moore, and Moore is a HOUSE AFAAAAAHRE~. Moore takes Dupree and Grenier down with all manner of cruiserweightery (DDTs, huracanranas, armdrags, etc.). La Resistance manage to double-team Moore for a moment, but Scotty is back in. Scotty floors Grenier with a thrust kick, then hits Dupree with his facebuster. W-O-R-M-nailed by Grenier. Grenier grabs Scotty and says it's over, but Moore is back up. Moore hits Grenier with a dropkick and heads to the top rope. Park and Miller get up from their chairs and make a show of sloooowly folding up their chairs to come down and kick some ass...but before they're even done with that, Moore hits the Halo and pins Grenier to get the three. D'OH!

(Tag Team Title tournament):
Scotty 2-Hotty and Shannon Moore defeated La Resistance (Rene Dupree and Sylvain Grenier) when S. Moore pinned S. Grenier with the Halo in 0:12:08.
Rating: ** 1/4

After the initial shock of, "Hey! He wasn't supposed to win that quick!" Park and Miller head down to the ring with their chairs, but Scotty and Moore hit them with tandem dropkicks as they try to enter. Park and Miller both tumble to the floor, giving Scotty and Moore the chance to escape from their well-armed opponents. Park and Miller are irate at their attempt failing.

Commercials, and then...MAINEVENTERY!

The Law Firm of Mason, Martin & Bloom vs. Shawn Michaels & Diamond Dallas Page

This match starts out with DDP and Michaels dominating, being that they are main eventers and the Law Firm are midcarders. But the Law Firm are also some clever blokes, and with some choice distraction from Clarence Mason, they're able to get their shots in. Still, DDP and Michaels are on fire. It even looks like this one might end early, as Shawn Michaels manages to put Andrew Martin down, then climbs up and delivers his flying elbowdrop. Shawn tunes up the band, but Matthew Bloom pulls Martin out and the two of them regroup as we cut to a commercial.

Back from commercial, Martin and Bloom are being a little more careful. It's pretty standard until Bloom and Michaels get in there. Michaels gets the advantage again, firing off on Bloom, but as he bounces off the ropes, Martin hits him with a hard knee to the back, and Bloom follows up with a huge clothesline that knocks Michaels goofy. From there, Shawn is left to play your Face In Peril, as he does so well. Martin and Bloom dominate their smaller opponent for a bit. But that smaller opponent is still Shawn Michaels, who has the JESUS POWER~ and isn't about to be pinned by some bitch-ass midcarder. But the Law Firm does do a fantastic job of keeping DDP out of the match. They even bait him occasionally so they can double-team Shawn. Shawn starts to mount a moderate comeback against Bloom, but he reverses a whip into the turnbuckle and Shawn does a Flair Flip out of the ring. As Shawn pulls himself up on the floor, Bloom distracts the ref and Martin makes a sandwich with Shawn's head and the ring post. OUCH. Shawn gets back up and he is busted open. Martin throws Shawn in the ring, and he is out of it, but he still gets a foot on the rope when Bloom covers. Bloom can't believe it. Bloom connects with a Vader Bomb, but Shawn kicks out again. Martin and Bloom stomp Shawn some more, but the JESUS POWER~ is strong in this one. After a little bit, Martin gets in there and manages to hit Shawn with a pump-handle slam, but he STILL kicks out. Martin decides to take a chance and climbs to the top rope, but as he goes for a flying elbowdrop, Shawn rolls away and Martin crashes and burns. Martin makes the tag as Shawn crawls to his corner. Bloom runs in and grabs Shawn's leg as he tries to tag out, and Shawn nails him with an enzuigiri and follows up with his "tag, and now I'm dead" spot.

DDP is in and he's been raring to go for a WHILE. He fires off on both Bloom and Martin, neither of whom is able to mount any offense. DDP clotheslines Martin out and goes to work on Bloom. Bloom blocks a DDP kick and spins him around, which of course results in a massive clothesline from DDP. DDP nails Bloom with a clothesline in the corner, then hits a bulldog for two. DDP is taking Bloom apart. Martin reenters the ring, but Shawn is back up and he's on Martin in a flash. Shawn hammers Martin, but when he goes for some Sweet Chin Music, Martin ducks and dumps Michaels out of the ring. Over on the other side, DDP puts Bloom down with a DDT. Martin lines up DDP and goes for a big boot, but DDP ducks, and as Martin turns, DDP drops him with the Diamond Cutter. DDP covers, but Martin isn't the legal man. As DDP argues with the ref over that, Chris Jericho is in out of nowhere and he nails DDP from behind, drawing the DQ.

Diamond Dallas Page and Shawn Michaels defeated The Law Firm of Mason, Martin & Bloom (Andrew Martin and Matthew Bloom) when Page beat Bloom by disqualification in 0:17:49.
Rating: *** 1/4

Post-match, Jericho stomps away at DDP. Shawn tries to crawl back in and break that up, but Carlito Caribbean Cool is down to the ring as well and he blindsides Shawn, who is already woozy from blood loss. Jericho and Carlito beat on their adversaries, and the Law Firm joins in as they recover. Goldust and Rico run down in an attempt to make the save, but it's four-on-one against them, and they are quickly disposed of, courtesy of a Plea Bargain (Derailer) from Bloom and a big boot from Martin. Carlito stomps Michaels in the corner as Jericho nails DDP with a Lionsault. Jericho then has Martin and Bloom hold DDP up for a shot with the WWL World Heavyweight Title belt, then shoves the belt in his face while he's down to yell that the belt will never belong to DDP. Mercifully, the show goes off the air before any further beating can commence.

GB: A vile beating being delivered to DDP and Michaels!
HTM: Carlito and the World Heavyweight Champion have escalated the war, but we've still got two weeks left until You Only Live Twice, and there's a lot of room for the war to continue escalating!
GB: You don't want to miss Action next week, folks! We already know that JBL will go one-on-one with the Big Show, and I have no doubt that the situation in the ring right now is going to get even hotter! We're out of time, WWL fans! GOOD NIGHT!


Card rating: ** ½

Signed for You Only Live Twice thus far:

World Heavyweight Title: Chris Jericho (c) vs. Diamond Dallas Page

Carlito Caribbean Cool vs. Shawn Michaels

Wrestling Royalty vs. Big Show & Kane

Cruiserweight Title: Ultimo Dragon (c) vs. Juventud Guerrera

Tag Team Title Tournament Semifinals: Dudley Boyz vs. The Law Firm of Mason, Martin & Bloom

Tag Team Title Tournament Semifinals: Scotty 2-Hotty & Shannon Moore vs. ???
91Posted on 07/22/05 at 22:55:55

I'm loving this more and more. Jericho was in brilliant form this week. I'm absolutely positive he'll beat DDP seeing as he's just gotten the title, but here's hoping he can get a nice long reign in.

Carlito too was a lot of fun again. That match with Shawn is a lot tighter, mainly because Shawn is the next natural challenger to Jericho (along with Big Show perhaps). Call it a toss up.

Ahhhh, the JBL/Paul Heyman segment was classic too. I'm actually intrigued to see how that one ends, though I'd suspect JBL wins by hook or by crook (or by Jarrett).
CarlzillaPosted on 07/23/05 at 06:47:24

Excellent as always.