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WWL Monday Night Action: 5/9/05

AllPowerfulGARTHPosted on 07/03/05 at 19:25:30

Video package. You know how we roll.

GB: Welcome to Monday Night Action, ladies and gentlemen! The WWL is here once again to bring happiness to your existence!
HTM: Which isn't to say your existence is necessarily unhappy, just not as happy a sit is when you're watching us.
GB: I'm Garth Bishop, here with my broadcast colleague the Honky Tonk Man, and Honky, I am EXCITED to see what's going to go down tonight after last week's main event!
HTM: That's right! Diamond Dallas Page won the number-one contendership in a four-man elimination match, but not without some controversy, as Carlito Caribbean Cool hired out the Law Firm of Mason, Martin & Bloom to attack Shawn Michaels! DDP didn't know it at the time, but by now, he HAS to know just how he won that match!
GB: Plus, with Chris Jericho holding the WWL World Heavyweight Title, he knows he has to defend it against DDP, and I think it's safe to say that Jericho definitely does NOT want to step in the ring with DDP again!
HTM: Well, would you?
GB: Certainly not! Plus here tonight, we'll see another match in the World Tag Team Title Tournament, plus a huge rematch from The World Is Not Enough when Jeff Jarrett battles the Big Red Machine, Kane!
HTM: Now, let's get right to the—

"Yo! It's me! It's D-D-P!" Here comes DDP to a big crowd pop.

DDP: Last week, I won a four corners match for the number-one contendership. Now, for those of you who don't know it, that means that I'm next in line for a shot at the WWL World Heavyweight Title. And in case anyone isn't sure what THAT means...well, that means that I've got a guaranteed match with Chris Jericho. Now, Chris Jericho...he beat me once. It took that punk-ass Disco Inferno and an exposed turnbuckle to do it, but he did it. And I hope - I really hope - he enjoyed it. Because when I get my rematch, and that WWL World Heavyweight Title is on the line, it isn't gonna happen again. I understand that me and Jericho have a date for You Only Live Twice, and when we get in that ring and lock it up, he is going to FEEL...THE...BANG!

Pause for emphasis. And for cheering.

DDP: And yet, I am troubled. Not troubled because I'll be getting a shot at Chris Jericho, but troubled because I now know my victory last week was tainted. When I pinned Shawn Michaels, I thought it was a clean win. But it wasn't. What I thought was a fair match was tainted by interference from Carlito and the Law Firm of Mason, Martin & Bloom. Now, I sure don't want to lose my shot at Chris Jericho. But I also don't want to screw over one of the absolute best in this business. So Shawn Michaels, why don't you come on out here, and we can get this whole thing settled.

Dum dum dum dum OHH OHH SHAWN. Shawn Michaels prances down to the ring.

DDP: Shawn, I need to clear the air. As much as I want that title shot against Chris Jericho, I don't want it on my conscience that I had to accept a cheap victory over you to get it. So I'm just going to put it out there. If you want it, I am willing to put my shot at the WWL World Heavyweight Title on the line against you, one-on-one, TONIGHT.

Shawn takes the mic and considers this for a second.

SM: DDP, I got nothin' but respect for ya, man. And there's almost nothin' I'd like more than to lock it up with you one more time to see just which one of us deserves that WWL World Heavyweight Title shot. But...did you say that you're getting your shot against Chris Jericho at You Only Live Twice?

DDP nods.

SM: Welllllllll...y'see, that's a bit of a problem for me. Because I talked to Paul Heyman earlier tonight, and he's already set me up for a match at You Only Live Twice against Carlito Caribbean Cool. Now I'm sure you know that me and Carlito have got a score to settle. And you can be damn sure I know that you and Chris Jericho have got a score to settle. So as much as I want that title shot, I think we'll both be a whole lot happier if our matches at You Only Live Twice stay exactly the way they are now.
DDP: Alright, Shawn. But I still want to make things right. So I've got an idea. How about...after I beat Chris Jericho at You Only Live Twice and win the WWL World Heavyweight Title...you and me, one-on-one, with the title on the line.
SM: I like the way you think, DDP my man. And that sounds like a great idea to me. HBK and DDP, one-on-one, mano a mano, tet-a-tet for the WWL World Heavyweight Cham—

PTOO! "I spit in the face of people who don't want to be cool!" Here's Carlito. Come on, you knew he couldn't be far behind.

CCC: Well, well, well. Look at this. HBK and DDP in the ring, trading compliments. Are you two gonna make out soon? 'Cause, if that's your thing, then I guess that's cool. But I'll tell you what's not cool. Either of you wrestling for the WWL World Heavyweight Title. You can complain all you want that your match last week didn't end cleanly because of Carlito's involvement - and by the way, Carlito sending the Law Firm of Mason, Martin & Bloom out to beat you down, Shawn? That was pretty funny - but the fact of the matter is, the only reason either of you had the chance to become number-one contender is because Carlito wasn't a part of that four corners match. 'Cause you see, if Carlito was a part of that match, it would be Carlito headlining You Only Live Twice. And that? That's cool.
SM: Y'know, I've had just about enough of you! Going around telling everyone they're not cool...what is it about yourself that you consider so damn cool? Spitting fruit at people? Hiring people to do your dirty work? Jumping me from behind week after week after week? Well if you really think you're that good that you can take the both of us, why doncha come down to this ring and prove it?
CCC: And get double-teamed? No thanks, mang. Carlito's not stupid.
DDP: Well, maybe we ought to just come to you then. What do you think, Shawn?
SM: I like that idea.
CCC: Hey! Hey! Now hold on just a—

The countdown appears on the video monitor. Y5J...Y4J...Y3J...Here's Chris Jericho.

CJ: Just what the hell's going on out here? I'm sitting backstage, minding my own business, shining my belt, eating my bagel, talking to my supermodel girlfriend on the phone, listening to the compliments of my adoring fans and using Disco Inferno's back as a hassock, when what should I hear but a group of jackasses out here talking about MY WWL World Heavyweight Title? I mean, seriously, who do you people think you are? I mean, you've got Diamond Dennis out here talking about how he's going to be the next WWL champion. You've got Shane Matthews getting all happy about getting a title shot against Diamond Dennis. And YOU, you're out here talking about how you can beat anyone!
CCC: No, no, Carlito said he could beat THOSE two. Carlito didn't mention you.
CJ: Oh. Well, okay. You're cool.
CCC: That's cool.
CJ: The POINT is, aren't you all forgetting something? Something about the person who is the WWL World Heavyweight Champion NOW? (holds up the belt) This is my title! MINE! MINE MINE MINE MINE MINE! Not Diamond Dennis's, not Shane Matthews', not the Big Slow's, not Disco Inferno's, not Rick Springfield's, not John Malkovich's, hell, not even the Fonz's! MINE! So before all of you go running your mouths off about the WWL World Heavyweight Title, just remember that the belt is MINE, and not a one of you has aaaaaaany chance of taking it away from the Ayatollah of Rock 'n Rollah, the Highlight of the Night, Y-2-J Chris Jericho! ESPECIALLY not you, Diamond Dennis! If you are even considering entertaining a whisper of a thought of the possibility that you might just have the slightest chance of MAYBE winning this title, you'd best think again! Because now that this belt is around my waist, it is not going A-NY-WHERE, and the WWL will never...EEEEEEEVER...be the same a-gain!

DDP is steaming, from the looks of things. He starts to exit the ring, but before he can, Paul Heyman shows up on the video monitor. What is this "overbooking" thing you speak of?

PH: Whoa! Hold on just a minute here! Shawn, DDP, please, don't do anything rash! Chris, Carlito, I certainly don't want to see the two of you get beaten up right now. That just wouldn't make any sense at all.

Carlito and Jericho give us "justified."

PH: ...because that would completely ruin my plans for tonight's main event, which will be Diamond Dallas Page and Shawn Michaels versus Carlito Caribbean Cool and Chris Jericho. If that's okay with all of you.

DDP and Michaels nod assent. Carlito and Jericho protest broadly. They are ignored.

PH: Good! It's settled then. Good luck in your match, gentlemen.

And Heyman is gone from the video monitor. Carlito and Jericho strategize as we go to commercial.

Shannon Moore vs. Juventud Guerrera

This is a mini-grudge match of sorts, as Juventud Guerrera is looking to avenge his elimination from the Intercontinental Title battle royal at Shannon Moore's hands. Shannon realizes Juvi is frustrated about his elimination from the battle royal and his inability to get the upper hand against Ultimo Dragon, and he plays that up as best he can, wrestling much more to annoy than to hurt. He'll get in a little bit of offense, and whenever Juvi tries to turn things around, Moore will sneak away. Eventually Juvi gets the advantage back, but he gets extremely annoyed every time a near-fall fails to put Moore away. That frustration soon gets to Juvi - he can't concentrate. Juvi puts Shannon down to the mat and goes for the Juice's elbow, but Shannon manages to spring up and nail Juvi with a spinning heel kick. Shannon beats on Juvi for awhile, scoring a number of near-falls, but never managing to keep Juvi down. As Moore goes for a tornado DDT, Juvi throws him off, and when Moore charges in, Juvi quickly scoops him up and delivers the Juvi Driver out of nowhere to get the three.

Juventud Guerrera pinned Shannon Moore with the Juvy Driver in 0:08:30.
Rating: * ½

Just * ½? Frigging TNM. One of these days I'm going to remember to change my cruiserweights' pushes. But I know Juvi has a good push, so what the hell. Anyway, after the match, Juvi barges backstage, where Maria the Mic Stand is standing.

MtMS: Maria here with Juven—

Juvi snatches the mic away from Maria. She doesn't really react - this sort of situation is not in her programming.

JG: YES! The Juice is BACK, BABY! Did you see the way the Juice beat the snot out of that...uh...that guy who just got beat by the Juice, Shannon Moore? HELL YEAH! The Juice has been in a bit of a slump, losing to Ultimo Dragon at The World Is Not Enough and getting eliminated from the battle royal last week, but that's OVER! DONE WITH! Shannon Moore eliminated the Juice from the battle royal last week, and this week the Juice TOTALLY kicked his ass! YEAH! And that means there's just one more item on the Juice's agenda - beating that punk ass Ultimo Dragon and becoming the NEW WWL Cruiserweight Champion! So consider this a challenge, Dragon! The Juice is coming for the title that is already rightfully his! I know you're listening, Dragon! I want to hear your answer! You and the Juice, one-on-one at You Only Live Twice, for the Cruiserweight Title! What do you say, Dragon? The Juice is ready! The Juice is going to lay the smack down on your...

The Juice is cut off by the onset of a commercial break. Darn.

Tag Team Title Tournament, First Round: Goldust & Rico vs. The Law Firm of Mason, Martin & Bloom

Here are your two surprise teams for this week's Tag Team Title Tournament. What the hell does one use as entrance music for a group of lawyers? Seriously, I've got nothing for the Law Firm here.

Goldust & Rico are pumped for their first match as a team, but lo and behold, who should their opponents be but the debuting Law Firm of Mason, Martin & Bloom! The Law Firm made a big impact last week when they attacked Shawn Michaels at the orders of Carlito Caribbean Cool, so without a doubt, they are a force to be reckoned with. Goldust & Rico are able to throw off their clean-cut lawyer opponents with their usual quasi-sexual psyche-out techniques, but Martin & Bloom are two big guys that you DON'T want to get mad, and eventually they manage to isolate Goldust and beat the stuffing out of him. Luckily, Goldust has Rico to back him up (snicker snicker), so whenever it looks like Goldust is doomed -- after a Vader Bomb from Bloom, and later, after a pump-handle slam from Martin -- Rico is in to make the save. Finally, Goldust is able to floor Bloom with a butt-bump, and he makes the tag to Rico.

Rico is in and he's a HOUSE AFIRE (or is that a house a-flaming?), using his martial arts background to dodge the power techniques of both Martin (now the legal man) and Bloom. Martin and Bloom manage to overpower Rico briefly and Bloom sets Rico up for a whip into Martin's boot, but Rico slides underneath the boot and pinches Martin's ass. Martin goes for a clothesline, but Rico ducks and drops him with a roundhouse kick. Bloom goes after Rico, but Goldust is back in and he and Bloom brawl out of the ring to the floor. Martin nails Rico and sets him up for the Mistrial (formerly known as the Testdrive), but Miss Jackie is up on the apron to distract him. Clarence Mason, irate, jumps up on the apron with Jackie and yells "That's sexual harassment, and he doesn't have to take it!" Rico gets free from Martin, gives him a spinning kick to the gut, then goes over to Mason as he yells at Jackie. Mason yells at Rico too, so Rico grabs him and plants a big kiss on the top of Mason's bald head! Mason throws a hissy fit and jumps off the apron as Rico gives Jackie a quick peck...but Martin has recovered and he runs over and absolutely takes Rico's head off with a big boot. He then shoves Jackie off the apron just to be a dick. Martin covers Rico to get the victory for the Law Firm of Mason, Martin & Bloom.

(World Tag Team Title Tournament):
The Law Firm of Mason, Martin & Bloom (Andrew Martin and Matthew Bloom) defeated Goldust and Rico when Martin pinned Rico after a Yakuza kick in 0:10:18.
Rating: **

And we go to the backstage area, where a visibly nervous Sean Edmunds has an interview.

SE: Ulp...well, WWL fans, I'm here with one of the participants in tonight's rematch from The World Is Not Enough. Ladies and gentlemen...Kane.

The camera pans over to Kane, who is looming over Edmunds and giving him that menacing glare that he gives everyone.

SE: Kane, tonight you face Jeff Jarrett once again. What is your plan going into this match?

Kane stares Edmunds down for a few seconds before speaking.

K: At The World Is Not Enough, I beat Jeff Jarrett. And while I'm sure Jeff thought that was the end of this between the two of us...(evil laugh) He's wrong. DEAD wrong. You see, Sean, Jeff Jarrett has crossed the line. He cost me the World Heavyweight Title, and I'm not just going to leave him alone after beating him once. Oh, no. I'm going to teach Jeff Jarrett a lesson in pain. In fear. In sheer, absolute TERROR. And if you think what I do to Jarrett tonight is the end of things, Sean...(evil laugh) Think again. Because what I do to Jeff Jarrett tonight is only the beginning.

Kane walks off, his evil laugh echoing as Edmunds wipes the sweat from his brow.

In the ring, here's Rhyno. He doesn't have a match scheduled, but he's dressed to wrestle and the WWL Intercontinental Title is draped over his shoulder. He's got a mic, too.

R: Alright! I'm going to make this short and sweet! Last week, I beat 19 guys to win this Intercontinental Title! And because I went through that entire battle royal last week, Paul Heyman told me I don't have to defend my title tonight. Well SCREW THAT! I want it to be known, from this moment, that I am a FIGHTING champion! So if anyone in the back wants a shot at my Intercontinental Title, come down to this ring and TAKE IT!

No response for a few seconds. Then...ALAYLEAAAHHHH. Massive booing ensues. Here's Muhammad Hassan on the entrance ramp with a mic.

MH: Well. Rhyno. The new WWL Intercontinental Champion. You know, Rhyno, you and I have something in common. And I think the people in this arena tonight would do well to shut up and listen.

This, of course, prompts the audience to break out into chants of "U-S-A.! U-S-A.!"

MH: Typical. How incredibly typical. You can all sit out there and chant U.S.A. all you want, because it will do nothing but serve as proof of your ignorance! Do you people know what Rhyno and I have in common? Well, I'll tell you. We hail from the same hometown: Detroit, Michigan. Did you people know that? NO! Of course you didn't! Because you people assume from the color of my skin that I must be from Iraq, or Iran, or Afghanistan, or one of those other countries that you hate simply because your president tells you to!

That one gets HUGE boos. Hassan is not endearing himself to this crowd.

MH: That's right! Go ahead and boo! You go ahead and boo your hearts out! Prove to me how ignorant and hypocritical you are! Because I know how hard it is for you to accept that people like myself and Daivari are Arab-AMERICANS! Born and raised in the same country as you! Educated with the same books, fed the same food, vacationed at the same beaches! Admit it - you people are SCARED of me! Because you people, just like the rest of the American people, fear what you do not understand! You don't understand why my name is "Muhammad," you don't understand why I dress the way I do, you don't understand why I pray to Allah! And you people will never, EVER rise above the level of ignorance you are at today unless you learn to accept the reality that I am every bit as American as all of you!

The crowd sufficiently angered, Hassan turns his attention to Rhyno.

MH: And what about you, Rhyno? Did you know that we grew up in the very same city? Did you know that I'm just as American as you are? Or are you a fool, like the rest of these people?
R: All I know is that I came out here and I asked for an opponent! And so far, all you've done is stand up on that ramp and badmouth the country that I love! So are you going to come down to this ring, or do I have to go up that ramp and GORE your ass?
MH: Oh, don't you worry, Rhyno. I am interested in the WWL Intercontinental Title. And I'll have my title match, you mark my words. But not tonight.
R: So what you're saying is, I've gotta come up there to you and GORE! GORE! GORE you into NEXT WEEK?
MH: No, Rhyno, I'm saying that you've already GOT an opponent for tonight!

At that, Khosrow Daivari (didn't you wonder where he was all this time) enters the ring (he must have come out of the crowd) and attacks Rhyno from behind. Looks like the match is on!

Intercontinental Title match: Rhyno (c) vs. Khosrow Daivari

Sadly, this match is not nearly as interesting as the exchange of words that preceded it. Daivari has the immediate advantage, thanks to his back-jumping Rhyno. Rhyno is raring for a fight, though, so he quickly takes control and starts hammering Daivari. Rhyno controls Daivari for a while with clubbing blows and the occasional power move. After a minute or so of that beating, Hassan (who has made his way down to the ring) manages to district Rhyno, giving Daivari a chance to go on the offensive for a while. But Daivari is a little man, and Rhyno is a big stocky man, so it isn't long before Rhyno gets the advantage back. Rhyno beats the piss out of Daivari, culminating in a massive spinebuster. Rhyno lines Daivari up for the Gore, but Hassan runs in and attacks Rhyno to draw the DQ.

Rhyno defeated Khosrow Daivari by disqualification in 0:07:03.
Rating: *
(Rhyno retained the WWL Intercontinental Title.)

Well, at least that match deserved the shitty rating. Post-match, Hassan & Daivari double-team Rhyno and beat the ever-living hell out of him. Hassan nails Rhyno with his modified STO, then transitions into the Camel Clutch. Daivari badmouths Rhyno as he is trapped in the hold, then comes off the ropes and nails Rhyno with a sweet dropkick to the face as Hassan holds him in the Camel Clutch. Rhyno has just been knocked goofy, and Hassan & Daivari make their exit as Rhyno lies facedown in the ring. Hassan makes the universal "I want the belt" gesture as he leaves.

Backstage, Clarence Mason is ranting and raving to Andrew Martin and Matthew Bloom.

CM: This is a travesty! An utter disgrace! Did you see what that weirdo Rico did to me? I have been VIOLATED!
MB: Well, we still taught him a lesson.
AM: Yeah, he won't be kissing anyone with my boot print in his face!
CM: You're missing the point! I will not stand idly by while this sort of...this sort of...CHICANERY is going on in the WWL! That Rico...he's going to hear from my lawyers!
MB: You want us to teach him some respect?
AM: Yeah, I could be down with that...

Carlito Caribbean Cool walks onscreen.

CCC: Hey guys. What's up?
CM: What's up? WHAT'S UP?
AM: Oh boy, here we go.
CM: What's up is that Rico committed an act of sexual misconduct upon me! And everyone saw it!
CCC: Yeah, that Rico...he's quite a character.
CM: Quite a character? QUITE A CHARACTER? He willfully and maliciously placed his lips - and GOD knows where they've been - right on my head! I have suffered SEVERE emotional distress!

Carlito snickers.

CM: What's so funny??!
CCC: Uh...nothing, Clarence, nothing. Listen, I need to know. Are you guys going to have Carlito's back tonight? Paul Heyman has put me in kind of an awkward situation.
CM: An AWKWARD SITUATION??! Let me TELL you about an awkward situation!
AM: Uh, yeah, Carlito. Our deal still stands. But, um...you think there's something you could do for us in exchange?
CCC: What's that?

Martin whispers something to Carlito. Carlito laughs.

CCC: That's cool. You've got a deal.

Carlito exits stage right.

CM: What did you ask him to do?

Martin whispers to Mason.

CM: I like that plan.
AM: Thanks.

Jeff Jarrett vs. Kane

Big huge massive surprise here as Jarrett is accompanied to the ring by John Bradshaw Layfield. Those Wrestling Royalty, they always travel in packs. But not for long, as the referee tells JBL to bugger off before the match begins. JBL is upset, but there's nothing he can do about it. That makes this match one-on-one, an aberration for a match featuring a member of Wrestling Royalty.

Of course, you can bash Jarrett all you want for seldom fighting alone, but he's still a formidable force by himself, and even in the face of a monster like Kane, Jarrett is able to hold his own. Jarrett plays this match scientifically, focusing on Kane's legs to limit the big man's offense. Whenever Kane starts to break free, Jarrett slips out of the ring for a breather. Kane eventually manages to get control for a little while, but Jarrett dodges a shot in the corner, slips out of the ring, and trips Kane up. Jarrett then repeatedly rams Kane's leg into the ringpost. Jarrett sinches in a ringpost figure-four on Kane, and while the referee eventually breaks that up, the damage is done. Advantage: Jarrett. Jarrett beats on Kane's knee for awhile, culminating in a figure-four IN the ring. Kane is Kane, and he won't submit, but he can't seem to fight out of the hold either. Jarrett, just to be a bastard, grabs a handful of ropes to add in some leverage, but after getting away with it twice, he gets caught by the referee and has to break the hold. Jarrett goes back on the offensive, but Kane gets him with a big boot out of nowhere. That took a lot out of Kane's knee and both men are down.

Jarrett is back to his feet first and he goes after Kane, but the Big Red Machine is fighting through the pain. He gets a sidewalk slam on Jarrett for two, and then a powerslam for another two. Kane beats on Jarrett in the corner, whips him to the other corner and charges in, but Jarrett gets a boot up. Jarrett tries to capitalize and sets up Kane for the Stroke, but Kane fights out and drops Jarrett with a shot to the throat. Kane goes up top for a flying clothesline, but Jarrett is up and he crotches Kane on the top. Jarrett climbs up and hits a big superplex, leaving both men down again. Once again, Jarrett is up first, but HOUSTON WE HAVE A ZOMBIE SIT-UP. Kane is mad now, and Jarrett can't seem to faze him. Kane pounds Jarrett for awhile, then goozles him for the Chokeslam, but Jarrett escapes with a kick to the knee. Jarrett says "fuck this" and goes out for his guitar, but Kane follows him out and knocks the guitar away. Jarrett tries to run, but Kane catches him and goozles him on the entrance ramp. JBL defies the referee's orders and runs out to make the save, but Kane just goozles him too. Jarrett once again escapes with a kick to the knee, then picks up his guitar (the ref can't disqualify him because technically, JBL hasn't done anything yet except get attacked by Kane). Jarrett loads up for a Kabong, but the Big Show is out and he grabs the guitar away. JBL goes after Big Show, Kane goes after Jarrett, and the ref just says "whatever" and counts out both men.

Kane and Jeff Jarrett battled to a double countout in 0:16:13.
Rating: ***

Post-match, the brawl continues. Big Show and Kane, being the hosses (well...JBL is too, kinda, but not as much), get the quick advantage. They set up Wrestling Royalty for tandem chokeslams, but JBL and Jarrett fight out with tandem kicks to the nuts. JBL drops Kane with a Clothesline From Hell, then goes back to Big Show. Jarrett holds Big Show up, and JBL picks up Jarrett's guitar and Kabongs the hell out of Big Show. Wrestling Royalty then scamper off like thieves in the night.

We're backstage, and in someone's locker room. Goldust is sitting on a bench, his hand blocking his view from the left. Rico can be heard talking to him.

R: Well, okay, we didn't win. But I still think our debut match as partners was just super-duper! What do you think, sweet-cheeks?
GD: Yeah. It was good. Now will you PLEASE put on some pants?

Rico walks by. He is wearing a thong. UGH. But he is only onscreen for a second.

R: Oh, don't be such a grumpy Gus. Come on, you'll feel better after I do your makeup.
GD: What's wrong with the makeup I have now?
R: It's all smeared! Come on, I'm not going to bite you. Hard.

Goldust shudders. There's a knock at the door.

R: Who is iiiiiiit?
Voice: Fruit basket delivery.
GD (under his breath): We don't need any more of those...
R: Jackie, can you get it? I have to make Goldie look beautiful.
MJ: Sure thing, honey!
GD: "Goldie?"

The camera pans over to Miss Jackie as she goes to the door. She opens it and...FACEFUL OF APPLE!

CCC: I spit in the face of people who don't want to be cool!

Rico and Goldust go to the door, but Carlito is long gone. We then cut to another part of the locker room, where the Law Firm of Mason, Martin & Bloom are watching the previous segment on a TV monitor and laughing.

MB: Now, that? That's cool.

Coming back from commercial, Lamont is in the ring.

L: Ladies and gentlemen! Ladies and gentlemen! It gives me great pleasure to introduce to you the two greatest entertainers in the world of sports entertainment! Presenting L.A. Park and Ernest "The Cat" Miller!

Park and Miller head down to the ring. The Cat has a mic as well, while Park has his chair.

EM: WWL fans! Tonight, I will be bringing you two gifts! One will come in just a few short minutes, when I beat Scotty 2-Hotty one-on-one! But the other will be coming to you right now from myself and the greatest dancer from south of the border, Mr. L.A. Park! Now hit my music!

The Cat's music cues up as he and Park dance, dance, dance the night away.

L: Show 'em what it's all about, Cat! Show 'em!

Theoretically, there IS supposed to be a match here eventually. But you wouldn't know it at first glance, because the dancing just keeps going. And going. And going. Suddenly, the crowd picks up as Scotty 2-Hotty runs down to the ring. Unfortunately for Park, Miller and Lamont, they are all facing the opposite direction. Scotty sneaks into the ring. Lamont is closest to Scotty, and Scotty quickly grabs him and chucks him out of the ring. Park turns around and Scotty nails him with a thrust kick which sends Park rolling out of the ring. Scotty now sets his sights on the Cat, but his music is still playing and the idiot still has no clue Scotty is in the ring. Scotty then spies the chair Park left in the ring. He picks it up and sneaks up behind the Cat. The Cat finally turns around as he does a spin move with his dance, and he has about a microsecond to react before Scotty bashes him over the head with the chair. The Cat goes down like he's been shot. Scotty tells the referee to ring the bell. The ref, confused, complies.

Ernest "The Cat" Miller vs. Scotty 2-Hotty

Scotty kicks the chair out of the ring. Lamont is up on the apron, and Scotty runs over and knocks him off. Park gets up on the apron as well, and Scotty knocks him off as well. Scotty then flips over into a jack-knife cradle on the Cat, which is totally unnecessary as Miller is out cold. The three-count is academic. Another spectacular performance by the Cat.

Scotty 2-Hotty pinned Ernest Miller after a jack-knife cradle in 0:00:27.
Rating: 1/2*

Post-match, Park comes back in and attacks Scotty. Park knocks Scotty down, gives him a stomp or two or three, and then goes and picks up his chair. Before he can use it, Scotty's on-again-off-again tag team partner Shannon Moore runs in and makes the save. Moore gets a few shots in, then sends Park tumbling out of the ring with a dropkick. Scotty and Moore stand triumphant as Park and Lamont carry the unconscious Miller to the back.

Wrestling Royalty are backstage gloating.

JBL: Now THAT was some sweet, sweet justice.
JJ: After all that trash Kane talked earlier about pain, looks like HE was the one who left in pain.
JBL: And what about the Big Show? Guitar RIGHT to the head!
JJ: KABONG!
JBL: Those lumbering idiots will think twice before stepping up again to a Wrestling God...AND the King of the Mountain!
JJ: You got that right.

Enter Paul Heyman. Oh, you knew he couldn't be far away...

PH: Mr. Layfield. Mr. Jarrett.
JJ: Gee, JUST the person I was hoping to see.
JBL: What good news do you have for us THIS time, Paul?
PH: Oh, now what's this attitude? You two have got me all wrong. I just came by to congratulate you.
JBL: Congratulate us?
PH: Of course. After everything Kane said earlier tonight about what he was going to do to you, Jeff, I feel it's worthy of congratulation that you thwarted his plans.
JJ: Well...that was some good thwarting...
PH: See? It sure was. So I just thought I'd stop by and saw to the two of you, congratulations. You've got one up on Big Show and Kane.
JBL: Well, thanks Paul. We'll be going now...

Wrestling Royalty turn to leave.

PH: ...and congratulations, you two have a tag match against the Big Show and Kane at You Only Live Twice.

JBL and Jarrett stop in their tracks.

JBL: Why do you always DO that??!
PH: Do what?

Heyman exits stage left, leaving JBL and Jarrett to fume about this latest development.

Diamond Dallas Page & Shawn Michaels vs. Carlito Caribbean Cool & Chris Jericho

Jericho and Carlito both being chickenshits supreme, they aren't too enthused about this match, but they seem to manage. From the very start, Jericho is pretty much tagging out every time DDP gets in the ring. One might think would result in a two-on-one advantage for Shawn and DDP, but Jericho has Jerichoholics Anonymous at ringside with him, so they help balance it out (in a weird sort of way). After some early-match backy-forthy, we finally see something important. Michaels is beating on Carlito, and as he bounces off the ropes, Jericho low-bridges him and Michaels crashes to the outside. The referee doesn't like that, and as he argues with Carlito, Jericho goes out and delivers a stiff kick to Michaels' back as he's down. Jericho chucks Michaels back in the ring, and the heels have their way with him for awhile. But this IS Shawn Michaels we're talking about, so it's impossible to keep him down (what with the JESUS POWER~ and all).

No matter what Jericho and Carlito do, Michaels WILL. NOT. STAY. DOWN. When Carlito connects with the Overdrive, Shawn gets his foot on the rope. When Jericho hits a Lionsault, DDP breaks the pin. Jericho isn't happy about that, and he cheapshots DDP off the apron. But Michaels recovers a little and starts taking it to Jericho. A series of reversals sees Shawn turn an attempted backdrop into a piledriver, leaving both men down. Hot tag to DDP! Jericho just BARELY misses tagging in Carlito before DDP is upon him. DDP beats the hell out of Jericho, unleashing his frustration on Y2J. DDP connects with a powerslam and gives the sign for the Diamond Cutter, so Carlito runs in to put a stop to that. Michaels comes in and goes after him, and it's a Pier Sixer in there.
The brawl results in Carlito and Michaels tumbling out of the ring while Jericho clocks DDP from behind. Jericho has a brief advantage over DDP, getting a Flashback for two. A Breakdown gets another two. Jericho tries for the Walls of Jericho, but DDP rolls him over into a pinning combination for two. DDP goes back on the offensive, but a well-timed eye gouge from Jericho allows him another attempt at the Walls. Just as Jericho is about to get the hold locked in, Shawn Michaels re-enters the ring and aims a Superkick at him. Jericho quickly releases DDP and catches Shawn's foot, then starts to put the Walls on HIM. DDP breaks that up and goes for the Diamond Cutter, but Jericho slips out and, seeing how close he just came to eating a Diamond Cutter, tags Carlito and rolls out of the ring. Carlito protests, but DDP quickly snaps him into the ring. DDP connects with a huge clothesline on Carlito and sets him up for a flapjack, but Carlito takes advantage of a momentary referee distraction (courtesy of Lenny Lane) and hits DDP with a low blow. Michaels gets back up and he and Carlito battle. Shawn hits his flying forearm and sets up Carlito for some Sweet Chin Music, but Disco Inferno grabs his foot. Carlito gets back up and jumps Shawn from behind. Carlito sets him up for the Overdrive, but Shawn flips him out of it, ducks a clothesline, and hits the Sweet Chin Music. Shawn then vaults over the top rope onto Jerichoholics Anonymous, taking them out.

In the ring, DDP covers the downed Carlito, but Jericho makes the save. Jericho takes advantage of DDP's weakened state and goes right for his back. Michaels starts to climb back into the ring, and Jericho takes him out with his springboard dropkick. As Jericho gloats about that, DDP spins him around and goes for a Diamond Cutter, but once again Jericho escapes out of the ring. DDP makes to go after him, but Carlito hits him from behind. Jericho goes out and grabs his title belt while Carlito sets up DDP for a Diamond Cutter of his own. Jericho gets up on the apron with the belt and DDP shoves Carlito into him, sending Jericho careening into the announce table and knocking Carlito loopy. Carlito turns around right into a Diamond Cutter and that gets the 1-2-3.

Diamond Dallas Page and Shawn Michaels defeated Carlito Caribbean Cool and Chris Jericho when Page pinned Carlito with the Diamond Cutter in 0:16:10.
Rating: *** ¾

As DDP celebrates, the Law Firm of Mason, Martin & Bloom run in and attack him. That doesn't last long, though, as Shawn Michaels enters with the title belt and he uses it as a weapon to run off Martin & Bloom. Shawn and DDP stand tall in the ring. Shawn hands the belt to DDP and he holds it up while Jericho looks on, both angry and terrified, as the show goes off the air.


Card rating: **

Signed for You Only Live Twice so far:

WWL World Heavyweight Title: Chris Jericho (c) vs. Diamond Dallas Page

Shawn Michaels vs. Carlito Caribbean Cool

Wrestling Royalty vs. Big Show & Kane
91Posted on 07/03/05 at 20:48:55

Funky little show there - I was really digging Carlito this time out, he was probably the nights MVP.

By the way, you want music for Mason, Martin and Bloom - how about 'I fought the Law' by The Bobby Fuller Four?
AllPowerfulGARTHPosted on 07/04/05 at 09:01:52

A good song suggestion, though I'd be more apt to use the version by the Clash...

Any other suggestions?  That one fits the theme but it doesn't really do justice to a team of bad-ass lawyers (although -- honestly -- what the hell does?).
CarlzillaPosted on 07/04/05 at 11:27:51

How about the slightly re-worded Dead Kennedys version of the afformentioned song?

I can't think of anything else really.

Also, the show was entertaining as always.