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WWL Rush: 5/8/05

AllPowerfulGARTHPosted on 06/22/05 at 04:51:01

Celebrity Deathmatch-y opening goodness.  For the record, I've decided there's not really any point in recapping stuff that happened on Monday Night Action.  Assume that it does happen during Rush, but choose for yourself what gets recapped.  I thought adding in recaps would increase the realism, but since you can just go back and read Action if you really want a recap...yeah.  You get the idea, eh?

SE: Welcome to Rush, WWL fans!  Your favorite WWL B-show is here, seven days removed from The World Is Not Enough and just 24 hours away from another exciting edition of Monday Night Action!  I'm Sean Edmunds, here with Christopher Nowinski.
CN: Thanks very much, Sean.  Like you said, The World Is Not Enough was just seven days ago, but the shockwaves are still being felt here in the WWL.  Chris Jericho is the World Heavyweight Champion, and as we just found out on Monday, the number-one contender for the title is none other than Diamond Dallas Page.
SE: We'll be showing you later how that came about, but that's not all!  We'll be seeing Dean Malenko, Chris Sabin and La Resistance in action here tonight, and in our main event, L.A. Park goes one-on-one with Rico!
CN: But for now, let's head down to the ring for our opening match!

Chris Masters vs. Goldust

This is Chris Masters' WWL debut.  Yes, yes, I know what you're thinking..."Why in the HELL would you hire Chris Masters?"  Well, I don't want to give too much away about Masters' role in the WWL.  But suffice it to say, I realized there was a fundamental flaw in hiring only wrestlers I like - namely, that I don't want to make any of them job.  So Chris Masters is filling...er...a necessary role in the WWL.  ANYWAYS.  Masters does manage to take it to the veteran Goldust with raw strength, but Goldust always has the psychological edge.  Masters seems kind of clueless in the ring, and the looks Goldust is giving him don't help a whole lot.  When you're a big, frat-boy-looking musclehead like Masters, the last thing you want is a cross-dressing movie buff in a gold bodysuit making bedroom eyes at you.  Once Goldust has thoroughly brutalized Masters' psyche, he brutalizes his body and finishes the job with the Shock Treatment powerslam for the victory.

Goldust pinned Chris Masters with the Shock Treatment in 0:07:01.
Rating: **

Dean Malenko vs. Chris Sabin

A fantastic athletic contest here.  Of course, at present time, it isn't terribly unusual to see Dean Malenko and Chris Sabin on Rush, but one generally doesn't expect to see a match this good on a B-show.  Chris Sabin and Dean Malenko are both very capable athletes, and they mesh well together here.  Basically, each man is waiting for the other to blink, looking for that moment of weakness.  And it's Malenko who blinks first, thanks to the "boring" chants the crowd is hurling at him (more, it seems, to piss him off than to actually express displeasure about the match, because they do seem to like the match).  Malenko is thrown off his game and wastes time yelling at the fans to shut up.  Eventually, Malenko does get the Texas Cloverleaf locked in on Sabin, but the "boring" chants anger him so much that he actually releases the hold to scream at the crowd.  THAT is a big mistake, because it gives Sabin the chance to recover, and it's all Sabin from there on out.  Sabin gets in a few more offensive moves, and polishes Malenko off with the Future Shock to get the duke.

Chris Sabin pinned Dean Malenko with the Future Shock in 0:15:03.
Rating: ****

La Resistance vs. Los Maximos (unsigned)

LA VS. LOS!  Who will win in the battle of teams whose names are in another language?  Well, technically, "Maximos" is the last name of the members of Los Maximos, but SHUT UP I'M MAKING A JOKE, ASSHOLE.  Oh, and it's also not much of a mystery as to who is going to win, seeing as how La Res are under WWL contract and Los Max (what?  Oh come on, give me that one) are not.  Los Maximos get their shots in, but for the most part, it's La Resistance all the way here.  Rene Dupree knocks Jose Maximo off the apron with a dropkick, and La Res finish Joel Maximo with the Bon Soir.

La Resistance (Rene Dupree and Sylvain Grenier) defeated Los Maximos (Joel Maximo and Jose Maximo) when Grenier pinned Joel Maximo with the Bon Soir in 0:06:15.
Rating: **

Here comes Lamont.  Great.

L: Ladies and gentlemen!  Ladies and gentlemen!  May I present to you, the greatest dancer from south of the border, L.A. Park!

Cue "Thriller" by Michael Jackson.  L.A. Park makes his way down to the ring and starts doing the Thriller Dance, but he's quickly interrupted by "YOUUUUU LOOOOOOK SOOOOOO GOOD TO ME" Rico.  Good good.  Keep it moving, fellas.

MAIN EVENT: L.A. Park vs. Rico

L.A. Park is not happy that he just got interrupted by Rico and goes right for him, but you can't just come straight at Rico because...well..."straight" and "Rico" just don't go together too well.  Rico easily evades Park's offense early on with his arsenal of quasi-sexual mannerisms, but that doesn't work too well either, because there are so many quasi-sexual mannerisms you can employ on a man dressed head to toe in a Skeletor costume.  So Rico just has to resort to his backup strategies, employing his background as a Las Vegas cop with an extensive martial arts background.  That works a little better on Park, who quickly finds himself in trouble.

As soon as it looks like Park is in danger, though, Ernest "The Cat" Miller saunters on down to ringside.  After a brief period of non-involvement, the Cat decides to take a more active role, attempting to impress Miss Jackie with his dancing skills.  Miss Jackie, not surprisingly, is not terribly impressed.  As the Cat dances, Goldust comes out from the back and sneaks up behind him.  Goldust does his "feel myself up" pose just as the Cat turns around.  The Cat FREAKS OUT and tries to run away, but in his haste, he just falls down.  Goldust walks over and just stands over him, causing the Cat to rapidly squirm away from him.  Rico notices this inside the ring, and has a good laugh at the Cat's expense.  Unfortunately, while that's going on, Lamont distracts the ref and L.A. Park goes and grabs his chair.  Rico turns back around and Park knocks his block off with the chair.  Lamont stops distracting the ref and Park covers Rico for the victory.

L.A. Park pinned Rico after hitting him with a foreign object in 0:08:26.
Rating: ** ½

Post-match, Park, Miller and Lamont decide, hey - we won!  Time to dance the night away!

SE: Well, WWL fans, we absolutely HATE to interrupt this spectacular display, but—
CN: Speak for yourself!  I am going to derive an enormous amount of pleasure from interrupting this display!  Go to commercial!  Go to commercial!
SE: ...But we're all out of time!  Don't miss Monday Night Action tomorrow!  We'll see you there!  I'm Sean Edmunds, for Christopher Nowinski, GOOD NIGHT!
91Posted on 06/23/05 at 00:43:11

The Masters/Goldust recap was seven shades of funny. Just thought I'd chuck that out. Good stuff.