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WWL Monday Night Action 4/18/05

AllPowerfulGARTHPosted on 05/07/05 at 16:57:12

Video package!  Eventually it will have actual action shots.  Not that it really matters, though, because you won't ever see it.

GB: Goooooood evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another fantastic edition of Monday Night Action!  I'm Garth Bishop, and with me, as always, is the one and only Honky Tonk Man!
HTM: Another exciting edition of Monday Night Action on the way, as tonight we conclude the first round of the World Heavyweight Title Tournament with two great matches!
GB: Of course, there's Rey Mysterio taking on L.A. Park, but the big story is behind the other match, as Diamond Dallas Page gets his shot at Chris Jericho!
HTM: Jericho dodged DDP last week, but this week, there's no way out for Y2J if he wants to advance in the tournament.
GB: Plus, in tag team action, Wrestling Royalty, the team of JBL and Jeff Jarrett, will battle the men they've taken issue with in the last few weeks, Rhyno and the Big Show!
HTM: And speaking of tag team action, we've got some of that set to take place right now -- so let's get to the ring!

Juventud Guerrera & Jamie Noble vs. Chris Sabin & Scotty 2-Hotty

Pretty standard cruiserweight-y match, with plenty of opportunities for Juvi to show off and gloat and such.  Juvi is spending much more time showboating than wrestling, but luckily, Noble is focused on the match and the heels isolate Sabin for awhile.  Juvi's inattentiveness gives Sabin the chance to break free and tag in Scotty 2-Hotty, who comes in a house afire and fights off both heels.  Scotty hits his facebuster on Juvi and pumps the crowd up...W-O-R-M, slide slide slide hoo hoo clobbered by Jamie Noble.  Sabin comes in and goes after Noble and the two of them tumble to the outside, giving Juvi the chance to get back up and finish Scotty with the Juvy Driver.

Juventud Guerrera and Jamie Noble defeated Chris Sabin and Scotty 2-Hotty when J. Guerrera pinned 2-Hotty with the Juvy Driver in 0:14:41.
Rating: ***

Here's a backstage shot as Noble and Juvi celebrate their win.

JG: YEAH!  Did you SEE that, man?  The Juice TOTALLY kicked Scotty 2-Hotty's crappy-finisher-having ass!  YEAH!
JN: HOOOOYEAH, BOY!  And I taught that Chris Sabin a lesson, too!
JG: Yes, yes, that's great, but the Juice beat Sabin last week, so try to stay with me, huh?  THIS week, the Juice beat Scotty 2-Hotty like a...like a guy who just got punked out by the Juice, baby!  WOO!
JN: That was a TAG TEAM match, y'know.  I'd like to think we had equal parts.
JG: And the Juice just EQUALLY beat the piss out of both Sabin and Scotty 2-Hotty!  YEAH!
JN: There is no way my continued participation in this conversation can be a good use of my time.

Jamie Noble walks off.  Juvi doesn't really notice.

JG: YEAH!  Kicked their asses!  HOO AH!  The Juice is on a roll, baby!

Meanwhile, ELSEWHERE backstage...

CJ: Oh!  The pain!  THE PAIN!
PH: Hi, Chris.
CJ: Mr. Heyman!  You're a good man, a smart man, a fair man...
PH: Well, I like to think so.
CJ: Listen, Paul, ol' buddy ol' pal.  I realize you've got me scheduled to face Diamond Dennis Page tonight, but my wrist...I just don't know if I can wrestle.  Of course, you know I would NEVER try to back out of a match...
PH: Of course not!
CJ: But my wrist...the pain is just unbearable.  I wouldn't want to deprive the fans of the pleasure of seeing me pummel DDP all over this arena, but I have to watch out for myself, you know, and I can't go aggravating injuries.  That would be downright rash of me.
PH: Yes, and I've never known you to be rash, Chris.
CJ: Yes!  Yes!  Exactly!  So you see why it would be the best course of action for you to...ya know...postpone my match.
PH: Oooooh...see, that's a bit of a prickly pear for me, Chris.  I mean, I already advertised your match with DDP tonight.  As the main event, no less!  And it would be terribly unfair to the fans for me to cancel it.
CJ: But my wrist!  The pain!  It hurts!
PH: Sorry, Chris...the match is still on.  And if you don't go out there and compete tonight, you will forfeit your spot in the World Heavyweight Title Tournament.  If your wrist was really bothering you that much, you should have come to me last week about it.
CJ: But...but...but...
PH: Gotta go.  Busy busy busy.

Paul scuttles off.

CJ: Hey!  But I DID tell you last week!  I...rrrrr.  This is SO not cool.

Gene Snitsky vs. Matt Hardy

Matt Hardy puts up a good fight here against Gene Snitsky, something Snitsky really hasn't had yet in the WWL.  Snitsky, of course, has the obvious strength advantage, but Matt uses his technical prowess and agility to evade many of the big man's more devastating maneuvers.  Snitsky eventually gets frustrated and goes out of the ring to grab a chair, but before he can even bring it into the ring, Matt sends it into his face with a baseball slide.  Matt manages to haul Snitsky into the ring, but a cover only gets two.  A second-rope legdrop gets another two for Matt.  The Sensei of Mattitude then goes for the Twist of Fate, but Snitsky pushes him off into the ropes and levels him with a big boot on the rebound.  Snitsky then picks up Matt and crushes him with the Pump-Handle Slam to get the duke.

Gene Snitsky pinned Matt Hardy with the Pump-Handle Slam in 0:11:02.
Rating: ** 3/4

More backstagey goodness.

MtMS: Maria here, backstage with Wrestling Royalty.  Gentlemen, your thoughts on your match?
JJ: Why do they pay you money?
JBL: Don't even bother, Jeff, she doesn't understand.  Tonight, you and I are going to show everyone that we are an unstoppable force in the WWL.  By yourself, you are the King of the Mountain, and by myself, I am a wrestling god.  But combined, there is no one -- NO ONE -- who can stand in our way.
JJ: Damn right.  Not a punk like Rhyno, and not a 500-pound tub of crap like the Big Show.  Rhyno's done nothing but lose here in the WWL, and Big Show has just been lucky.  Well his luck is about to run out.
JBL: There is absolutely NO stopping Wrestling Royalty, and tonight, we will prove that beyond a shadow of a doubt.
JJ (to Maria): So why don't you choke on that, slap...uh...

Jarrett notices Maria's blank stare and just shrugs his shoulders.

JJ: Eh.

Wrestling Royalty are off.  The tape recorder in Maria's head rewinds.

MtMS: Maria here, backstage with Wrestling Royalty.  Gentlemen, your thoughts on your match?

World Heavyweight Title Tournament, First Round: Rey Mysterio vs. L.A. Park

LUCHADORS EXPLODE~!  Spiffy little lucha-style match here, as you might expect.  TNM finds it real exciting, but it's pretty standard by lucha...um...standards.  After a bit of flippity-flopping and other back-and-forth, Rey Rey gets the clean victory after the 619 and West Coast Pop to advance in the tournament.

(World Heavyweight Title tournament):
Rey Mysterio pinned L.A. Park with the West Coast Pop in 0:11:44.
Rating: ****

As the commentators jaw about the way the tournament is shaping up, we get our first official look at the tournament brackets:

Big Show
Jarrett------Big Show
-------------
Rico---------Snitsky
Snitsky
-------------
JBL
Rhyno------JBL
-------------
Goldust----Kane
Kane
-------------
Richards
Hardy------Richards
-------------
Shawn-----Shawn
The Cat
-------------
Mysterio
Park--------Mysterio
-------------
DDP--------
Jericho

Here's Chris Jericho backstage with one of the WWL's loyal referees.

CJ: Neeeeever gonna stop, give it up, such a dirty mind, I always get it up from the touch of the lovin' kind, my my my yi yi WOOOOO!  Muh-muh-muh-Mike Chioda!
MC: Uh...
CJ: Don't even worry about it.  Listen, daddy-O, Y2J needs you to do him a big favor.  Can you help out the Ayatollah of Rock 'n Rollah?
MC: Well...um...I might be able to lend a hand to...whatever it is you need?
CJ: You know, it's funny you say "lend a hand," because that's just the problem.  I need a helping hand, because as you can see, my own is grievously injured.  It hurts to even think about it.  Yes.  It does.  So what I need you to do, muh-muh-muh-Mike Chioda, is explain that it's your position as an official WWL referee to not allow my match with Diamond Dennis to go on.  Paul Heyman may want me to wrestle, but he can't ignore a referee, right?
MC: Ah...actually, Chris, I spoke with Mr. Heyman earlier tonight...
CJ: Aaaaaaaaand?
MC: He told me that I was not, under any circumstances, to cancel your match.
CJ: What??!  That's ludicrous!  Absoludicrous, even!
MC: He said you'd say that.
CJ: Bah!  Can't you see I'm injured, you fool?
MC: He said you'd say that, too.
CJ: Oh yeah?  Oh yeah?  Well let me tell you what Paul Heyman DIDN'T say I'd say!
MC: What's that?
CJ: Uh...

Uncomfortable pause.

CJ: SNAP INTO A SLIM JIM!

Jericho storms off angrily.  Mike Chioda just stands there confused.

Here are Muhammad Hassan and Khosrow Daivari.  Hoo-flippin'-ray.

MH: Last week on Action, you all bore witness to an INJUSTICE!  After Daivari and myself made an enormous impact in our very first WWL match, we were ignored -- outright IGNORED -- by WWL officials and left off the card!  I hoped the injustice would end there, but I knew, deep down inside, that the injustice in the WWL was no more likely to go away than the injustices suffered every day by Arab-Americans like myself because of the hatred and the prejudice of the ignorant American people!

Massive booing ensues.

KD: (shouts something incomprehensible in Farsi)
MH: Yes, instead of being welcomed back into the WWL fold, we have once again been cast aside because of the petty prejudices of the WWL front office!  While we are once AGAIN left off the card, the two men we defeated two weeks ago are in the MAIN EVENT!  Well Daivari and I simply will not stand for it!  We have come out here tonight to prove that no matter the travesties, the treacheries, the injustices placed in our way, we will prevail against those who would hold us down unfairly because of the color of our skin!  We will remain out here until someone from the back comes forward to answer our challenge!
KD: (shouts something incomprehensible in Farsi, but is quickly interrupted by...)

EEEEEEEeeeeeeBOOMBOOM!  GET UP GET UP GET UP DROP THE BOMBSHELL...

Muhammad Hassan & Khosrow Daivari vs. The Dudley Boyz

The Dudley Boyz are out to answer the challenge of Hassan and Daivari, and they're quick about it, immediately attacking the Arab-Americans as soon as they enter the ring.  The Dudleyz actually don't really have a point where one of them is the "face in peril" -- they spend a good portion of the match working over Daivari, but the little bastard won't stay down, and when it looks like he might, Hassan is always able to make the save.  Things eventually escalate into a four-man brawl, as they are wont to do in a Dudleyz match.  The Dudleyz set up Daivari for the 3-D, but Hassan comes in and nails Bubba with a low blow (which the referee, who is focused on Daivari and D-Von, doen't see).  Hassan quickly knocks D-Von out of the ring while Daivari goes up top and connects with the Magic Carpet Ride to finish off Bubba.  The Dudleyz are noticeably upset about the loss, but by the time they recover, Hassan and Daivari are long gone.

Muhammad Hassan & Khosrow Daivari defeated The Dudley Boyz (Bubba Ray Dudley and D-Von Dudley) when Daivari pinned Bubba with the Magic Carpet Ride in 0:11:53.
Rating: ** 1/2

Here's a replay of last week's promo for the Law Firm of Mason, Martin & Bloom.  I'd reprint it, but I'm awful lazy.

Dum dum dum dum OHH OHH SHAWN.  Shawn Michaels prances out to the ring.  Huh.  He doesn't have a match.

SM: Ya know...I was just backstage, thinking.  Thinking about the future of the WWL, and thinking about that World Heavyweight Title.  And as I was thinking about the World Heavyweight Title, I started thinking about my tournament match last week.  Now, I don't want to take anything away from Ernest Miller.  I mean, let's face it...that guy, he's got...well...he's got moves.  I've done some dancing in my day, but the Cat just puts me to shame.  My only problem -- tiny little thing, really -- is that the Cat only lasted, count 'em, nine seconds in the ring with HBK.  And if you people know me like I think you know me, you know that there's nothing I like more than a challenge.  And the Cat?  He just didn't do it for me.  So now, I've gotta wonder if my next opponent in this tournament is going to be a challenge.  Last night on Rush, he beat Matt Hardy to advance, and that's no small feat, but I don't think I'm alone in thinking that he might be just a little bit...goofy.  So before I have my next tournament match, I just want to know what kind of man I'm facing.  So come on out here, Steven Richards, and let's see what kind of opponent you are!

PTOO!  "I spit in the face of people who don't want to be cool!"  WTF?  This isn't Steven Richards!  This is Carlito Caribbean Cool!  What is HE doing here?

CCC: Well...the Heartbreak Kid, Shawn Michaels.  You know, I remember watching you wrestle when I was a kid.  And back then, mang...you were someone I looked up to.  Really, I mean it.  I mean, you had the earrings, the sunglasses, the shiny pants, that big mirror...I'm not gonna lie to you, mang.  You were cool.  But now...

Carlito pulls an apple out of his baggy, baggy pants.

CCC: Now, you prance out here, you do your little poses, you play to the crowd.  Shawn, you are one of the greats in the wrestling business.  In your time wrestling, you've done it all.  There's no question, Shawn, that you are great.  But Shawn...let's face it...you're not cool.

Carlito takes a big bite out of his apple, but Shawn puts a finger in his face before he can do anything else.

SM: You might want to just hold on there, kid.  Before you go doing what I think you're gonna do, consider this.  I was real concerned about being cool way back in the day.  But like you said...the Heartbreak Kid is GREAT now.  Beyond cool.  To a guy like me, who's done it all, being cool isn't all that important anymore.  But to a guy like you, who really hasn't done a whole heckuva lot...

Crowd likes that one.  Carlito gives us "incredulity."

SM: ...I guess being cool is really what's important.  So you can waste all the time you want TRYING to be cool -- 'cuz these fans?  They tell me I'm cool every time I step through these ropes.

Cheap pop, that one.

SM: Now I'm gonna give you a chance to do the smart thing and see to it that apple goes where it's supposed to go.  Because kid, before you leave this ring, something is going to go down your throat -- and it's going to be either that bite of apple, or your teeth.

Carlito considers this.  Then he makes sure Shawn watches him swallow the apple.

CCC: That's cool.  That's cool.  No need to be getting mad at Carlito, mang.  I guess, when you've accomplished all that you have, it's understandable why you wouldn't need to try to be cool.

Carlito turns to leave.  Shawn makes the mistake of taking his eyes off Carlito as he does, and Carlito sneaks another bite of his apple.  He turns back to Shawn, as if he has something else to say...and WHAM faceful of apple.

CCC: And I spit in the face of people who don't want to be cool!

Shawn just sort of stands there, letting it sink in that he just got a faceful of produce.

CCC: Cool like me.  Carlito.  Caribbean...

SWEET CHIN MUSIC!

SM: And I kick in the face of people who try too hard to be cool!

Shawn leaves the ring, brushing apple off himself, as Carlito lies supine on the ground.

Wrestling Royalty vs. Big Show & Rhyno

Prior to their match, Wrestling Royalty seemed to have a strategy.  Wrestling Royalty comes to the ring with purpose, but are quickly repelled by the unlikely team of the Big Show and Rhyno.  Jarrett and JBL both have their problems with the Big Show, but eventually they manage to isolate Rhyno and have their way with him for awhile.  Finally, Rhyno makes the hot tag to Big Show and the Show is a house afire, dropping both Jarrett and JBL with ease.  Eventually, a Jarrett chopblock staggers the seven-footer and JBL begins pounding on him, but Rhyno is back in to spar with Jarrett.  Jarrett and Rhyno spill out of the ring as JBL pound Big Show, but Big Show quickly recovers and goozles JBL.  It looks like the end for JBL, but suddenly, Gene Snitsky comes out of nowhere and nails Big Show from behind (the referee's eyes are on Jarrett and Rhyno)!  Snitsky come off the ropes and boots Big Show in the face, but can only bring him down to one knee.  Big Show gets pissed and went after Snitsky, but Snitsky exits stage left, and as Big Show turns to face JBL, he gets a faceful of brass knuckles, which JBL had produced from his tights while Big Show was distracted!  The referee doesn't see the knucks shot, but he does see the pin when Jarrett knocks Rhyno down and tells the ref to count.  Three seconds later, Wrestling Royality are the winners.

Wrestling Royalty (Jeff Jarrett and John Bradshaw Layfield) defeated The Big Show and Rhyno when Layfield pinned Show after hitting him with brass knuckles in 0:20:15.
Rating: ** 3/4

Here's Chris Jericho backstage, pacing back and forth.  Disco Inferno walks onscreen.

CJ: That...no, that won't work...maybe if...no...
DI: What's the matter, boss?
CJ: Feh!  You know exactly what's the matter, you fool!  Even in the face of my crippling wrist injury, I'm being forced to face Diamond Dennis right up next!
DI: That's madness.  Why, everybody can see you're in no shape to be wrestling.
CJ: EXACTLY!  YOU see it!  Why doesn't everyone else?  Well, now I've got to figure out a plan.  Hell, given the attitude Diamond Dennis has had lately, I'm just worried about staying alive.
DI: Ah, ah, ah, ah, stayin' alive, stayin' a--
CJ: Stop it right now.
DI: Yes sir.
CJ: If only there were some way for the match to go forward without me being a part of it...
DI: Hey, boss--
CJ: Not now, Junior!  I'm pondering!  If only there were someone else who could take my place...
DI: Hey, boss--
CJ: I said NOT NOW!  If only there were someone who is enough of a force in the ring to take Diamond Dennis down in my place, surely I could win the rest of the tournament...
DI: BOSS!
CJ: WHAT?

Disco poses, pointing to himself as if to say, "Put me in, Coach!  Put me in!"

CJ: ...But I suppose that's just not a viable option.  Oh well, time for my match.

Jericho walks offscreen.  Disco gives us "dejected."

World Heavyweight Title Tournament, First Round: Diamond Dallas Page vs. Chris Jericho

Right at the bell, Jericho pleads with DDP not to go after his "injured" wrist, so of course that's the first thing DDP does.  DDP controls the opening minutes of the bout, and when Jericho leaves the ring for a breather, DDP follows right after him and goes on the attack.  Midway through, Disco Inferno comes down to protest to the referee about DDP's attack on Jericho's wrist, but receives a right hand from DDP for his troubles.  However, Disco soon makes himself useful by untying a turnbuckle pad behind the referee's back, then distracting the ref as Jericho whips DDP hard into the exposed buckle.  Jericho takes over the match by focusing on DDP's back.  Jericho manages to lock in the Walls of Jericho, but DDP fights through the pain and manages to get out.  The damage is done, though.
DDP valiantly fights back, and though Jericho manages to beat him back down, eventually DDP regains the edge in the match.  As DDP sets up Y2J for the Diamond Cutter, Disco Inferno jumps up on the apron and DDP runs over to knock him down, allowing Jericho to recover and lock DDP in the Walls of Jericho again.  DDP tries to fight, but the strain on his already-damaged back is too much and he is forced to tap out.  Jericho celebrates his win like he has just won the Super Bowl before quickly remembering his "injured" wrist and clutching it in pain.  Jericho steals this one, but the fact remains that he advances in the World Heavyweight Title Tournament.

(World Heavyweight Title tournament):
Chris Jericho made Diamond Dallas Page submit to the Walls Of Jericho in 0:19:27.
Rating: ** 1/2

GB: And Jericho has just stolen a win here tonight, knocking DDP out of the running for the World Heavyweight Title in the process!
HTM: Now THAT is how you get the job done!  Jericho even came in under protest, with an injured wrist, and he still came out on top!
GB: Well, we'll see how he fares next week as we see all four of the quarterfinal matchups in the World Heavyweight Title Tournament!  Jericho will take on Rey Mysterio, Steven Richards will battle Shawn Michaels, JBL goes up against Kane and the Big Show gets his shot at payback against Gene Snitsky!  For the Honky Tonk Man, I'm Garth Bishop!  Good night!


Card rating: ** 3/4
King_Of_Old_SchoolPosted on 05/08/05 at 11:29:49

Really enjoyable read. I think that the Honky Tonk Man on commentary would be amazing. And I'm a big Carlito fan too. Hope Jericho wins the tournament!!
rey619Posted on 05/08/05 at 15:57:06

This fed has a great comedy feeling about it.. I mean.. you have all of the funniest people in the business.. Y2J, Carlito.. and JBL.. I agree with Kingofoldschool, even though it pains me that he has to defeat Rey, Jericho needs to win this tournament.
AllPowerfulGARTHPosted on 05/10/05 at 04:21:29

I was only trying to hire guys I mark out for...looks like the funny ones are my favorites.  Who knew?  Carlito, Jericho, JBL, Snitsky, Disco Inferno, the Cat...I loves me some funny.