FORUM HOME > TNM Circuits > TNM Circuits
DWF 23/06/07 - not International Incident

91Posted on 09/25/04 at 22:27:33

Not quite, the show after this will be the PPV, but now for something completely different...

DWF FESTIVAL OF WRESTLING!!

Card Information:
Held in: WHITE HART LANE
Location: LONDON, ENGLAND
Date/Time: 23/06/07 at 8:00pm
Matches/Interviews booked: 11
Arena Capacity: 36236
Attendance: 18444
Ticket Buy Rate: 50.9%

We go to the ring where the rarely seen owner of the DWF, Shane McMahon, is
standing mic in hand.

Shane: "Welcome everybody to this, the DWF Festival of Wrestling. This
spectacular card is taking place here, where tomorrow nights broadcast of
International Incident will take place, but for tonight, we have given free
passes to several hundred orphans and homeless people, who are somewhere in the
back. Meanwhile at ringside, we have several rich celebrities, ready to enjoy
some terrific DWF action, and we promise if you stick around till tomorrow,
you'll get your wish. Meanwhile, let's go backstage to a special broadcaster
here for one-night only, before we ship him back to the home where we found
him, here's Lord Alfred Hayes."

Hayes: "Thankyou Shane. I am here with former worlds heavyweight champion, Rob
Van Dam, who later tonight takes on Larry Zbyszko, now Rob, what do... oh do
you mind, I can't believe you're smoking in front of me like that."

RVD: "Hey, what the dilly-o Whored Alfred Lays, I'm facing who now? Do you have
any Cheese Crunchies? I don't suppose you can look after my weed could you?"

Hayes: "Good gracious, you mean that's not tobacco? That's disgusting. Do you
realise this is a Fumagalli I'm wearing, you're going to make it smell."

RVD: "So... you DON'T have any Cheese Crunchies?"

Hayes: "You're in the land of her majesty the queen, show some dignity."

RVD: "DUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE, you are so cool, like, don't suppose you want to buy
a comic. I got Lesbian Ninja, Coke Man, Captain Dildo and this really cool
Japanese one where the hero pops out his enemies eyes by strangling him with
the guys own leg."

Hayes: "How uncouth, I think we better head back to the ring at once... could
I have a look at Lesbian Ninja..."

Psychoanalysis vs The Mean Street Posse

Suffice to say it's nothing more than an exhibition for Psychoanalysis who quickly mow down the Posse, have a little fun, before O'Haire plants Rodney with the Seanton Bomb for the win. * 1/4

We go to a gloomy train station where Kurt Angle is standing, alone, on a
platform.

Angle: "It's bad enough they're making us wrestle in this hole, the United
Kingdom, but now the idiot pilot who flew me here landed at the wrong airport,
leaving me two hundred miles north of where I want to be. I tell you, when I
release this video diary showing how filthy and disgusting England is, the DWF
will NEVER want to return. Now all I've got to do is wait for a train to show
up and I can get to London. Excuse me sir, and please stand back when you
answer, I hear all you Brits had bad breath, but could you tell me when the
next train will get here?"

Old Man: "A what?"

Angle: "Train, train, this is a train station isn't it?"

Old Man: "Oh yeah... well, the timetable here says there's one in ten minutes,
so you might want to book a hotel and be back here by five."

Angle: "Unbelievable, this place is a dump."

As Angle shakes his head, we go back to the arena, next to the gas chamber
sitting just by the aisle, where Michael Cole is with... uhhhh... Ronald
McDonald.

Cole: "Ronald McDonald, I am standing here with you as you will shortly step
foot into the ring to... geez, I can't believe I'd ever have to say that, you
will be one of the participants in a special celebrity match. However, due to
the universal hatred everybody has for you, it has been added into the contract
that if you lose this match, you will be locked in the chamber and put to
death. What are your thoughts and who do you think will be your opponent?"

McDonald: "There's no way I can be put to death, because I have way too many
mums still to shag."

Cole: "Excuse me?"

McDonald: "That's right, I've spent the last couple of days in England shagging
everybodies mum. I've shagged the mums of every one of you little idiots and
I've shagged your mum too Michael Cole. And when I'm done beating whichever
idiot I'm facing, I'll shag their mum, and I'll stuff her with my Big Mac."

Cole: "Oh please, we didn't need to hear that."

McDonald: "It had to be said. I live to sell burgers and shag mums."

Cole: "I think everyone would rather listen to my commentary."

McDonald: "Let's not exaggerate here."

Cole: "In any event, should you lose, you will be locked inside this chamber,
which is currently being manned by a top group of scientists to make sure the
temperature is as it should be and all the settings are right, so that it will
be ready in case it is required."

Several men in radiation suits swarm round with clipboards, checking various
complicated looking dials that are probably fake.

McDonald: "And I'm gonna shag all their mums too."

Cole: "Let's just go backstage to... ugh, Lord Alfred Hayes."

Hayes: "I am here with, now let's see what these chaps are called... THE
PITBULLS?!? How rough sounding, you fellows don't sound very nice at all."

Pitbull #1: "That's because we're not."

Pitbulls #2: "So shut up before we ram your arms down your throat."

Pitbull #1: "We just wanted to make life harder for John Cena and Jody Fleisch
tomorrow by adding a third partner to our team."

Hayes: "Isn't that cheating? You can't take them on three on two, how terrible
that would be."

Pitbull #2: "Shut up. We want to bring out Ken Shamrock as our partner."

Ken Shamrock walks on.

Hayes: "Well, you look like you could be a nice chap. My, aren't you big."

Shamrock: "SHUT UP! I came to London, England to hurt somebody, to maim someone
tomorrow night and unless they can come up with a third partner, we will take
them out tomorrow."

Hayes: "Well, I guess that's it from here, now I'm going to get back to my
comic, you people can go back to ringside. Cheerio."

Bobby Eaton vs Hunter Hearst-Helmsley

Hunter Hearst-Helmsley took on a man only just removed from the TV title, Bobby
Eaton and Eaton gave everything he had, taking it to Helmsley over and over,
but on this night it wasn't to be for Eaton, missing the Alabama Jam and being
hit with the Pedigree and Helmsley picks up the victory, showing a lack of
class, despite what he thinks, as he got it. ***

We go to a motorway service station where Kurt Angle is trying to order a meal.

Angle: "So get this, the nearest hotel is thirty miles away from the train
station, so I've got to stop here for a meal, and my God, I've never seen
anywhere as disgusting as greasy as this. Doesn't anybody ever clean the
tables around here?"

A fat waitress stops scratching her ass long enough to put a plate under Angles
nose.

Angle: "What the hell is this? It looks like slime."

Waitress: "8 sausages, 8 rashers of bacon, 8 eggs, 4 tomatoes, 8 mushrooms,
4 slices of bread, 2 tins of bakes beans, 4 slices of black pudding, hash
browns, a bowl of Cornflakes and any slices of toast we had lying around,
topped off with brown sauce and tomato ketchup, then we mix them all up and
put them in a blender."

Angle: "And this passes as food?"

Waitress: "It's called the full English breakfast."

Angle: "Incredible, is this why everybodies teeth in this country are crooked
and rotten? Actually don't answer, I don't want risk catching a glance at
those pearly blacks. You know what, forget the meal, let's get to the hotel as
fast as possible."

Back at ringside is Sean Mooney.

Mooney: "Wow, what an assignment, I'm going to try and get a word with one of
the many A-list celebrities here at ringside. Hey, it's sports star turned
Hollywood actor and Oscar contender, Vinny Jones. How are you Vinny?"

Vinny: "Well I..."

Mooney: "Hey look, it's Ahmed Johnson, Ahmed, have you any words for us?"

Ahmed: "Yus I ha', I warn se da' ahm prow tu be hurr tunii."

Mooney: "And as a special treat, I have a copy of Wordsworths 'The Daffodils'
for you to read out."

Ahmed: "Uhhhh....."

Mooney: "Go on Ahmed, don't be shy, this'll be exclusive footage for the newest
show on DWF programming, DWF Retarded Magrite."

Ahmed: "Uhhhh... Ah warnd lonl a' a clow, dat flos on hi ower vay n hls...
uhhh.... uhhhh...... YUR GORN DOW!! YUR GORN DOW!! YUR GORN DOW!!"

Mooney: "Do you want Johnny Ace to come out and provide translation?"

Ahmed seethes a bit more as we go backstage to Jonathon Coachman, and Larry
Zbyszko, who are lined up to interview Pretty Perfect.

Coach: "Hi everybody, I'm the Coach, Jonathon Coachman - THE COACH! Hi
everybody. I'm here with the greatest wrestler in history, Larry Zee, who
showed that nasty Jerry Lynn a thing or two on Monday, as well as the team who
will be the next tag team champions if me and Larry decide not to enter, Pretty
Perfect."

Hennig: "Oh yeah, real smart Coachman, if you and Zbyszko stepped in there with
us, we wouldn't hesitate to take you down, just like we've taken down every
other team we've ever faced."

Hart: "That's right, and one week today in the Royal Rumble match, we will be
the new tag team champions for a second time, regardless of what number we
draw, be it the lowest number, the highest number, or anything in between. And
we can guarentee that we will be the next tag team champions, not you Coach."

Hennig: "And as for tomorrow, Edge and Christian are the only team left for us
to beat, we've faced everyone else and beaten them all, and tomorrow night, we
will prove once again that there's only one team in wrestling who are
absolutely..."

Hennig/Hart: "PERFECT!"

Back in the ring, Ronald McDonald makes his entrance for the celebrity match,
accompanied by some theme song about how he intends to "shag mums" and points
out any mothers in the audience he likes the look of.

We await his opponent which is soon revealed as... Manchester United midfielder
Roy Keane. The fans boo his arrival, since he's a moron, but luckily for
everyone, the entire Tottenham Hotspur squad, fresh off their 2007 Champions
League triumph, run out and deck him, before dragging him off to the back.

It looks like Ronald McDonald is actually going to win by forfeit, until one
of the scientists decides to take it upon himself to enter himself into the
match. McDonald spends too much time bent over, laughing at such a challenge,
until the scientist suddenly catches him with a devastatingly quick springboard
dropkick. The scientist then removes his hood to reveal... LA PARKA!! La Parka
takes the place in the match, still wearing his radiation suit as the match is
now official.

La Parka vs Ronald McDonald

La Parka hits various high flying moves and a spinning leg lariat finishes in a little over a minute. Because you expected anything less... 1/4*

As Ronald McDonald sits up, he quickly realises his fate. Two lines of
scientists in their radiation suits come up and carry him out of the ring, all
the while he shouts abusive remarks and threats such as "you'll never get away
with this", "you haven't heard the last of me" and "I'm just some guy in a
costume." As they carry him over to the gas chamber, we go to Kurt Angle in a
cheap, tacky hotel room.

Angle: "This is truly nauseating. The walls are dirty, the lights are
flickering, the sheets haven't been cleaned and the television here shows
nothing but channels upon channels of porn. And you should have seen the size
of the cockroaches in the bathroom. This is incredible. How can such a small
country produce so much dirt? How can people like Dynamite Kid be proud of
living in a country like this? Damnit, I'm getting my stuff and going down to
the lobby, I'm checking out and sleeping in the car."

Back at the gas chamber, Ronald McDonald is standing at the door with several
scientists standing guard. La Parka continues to make a nuisance of himself,
while Shane McMahon has appeared with a microphone.

Shane: "Well, I would say I'm sorry to do this, but then I was always a Burger
King man. Ronald McDonald, have you any last words?"

McDonald: "Yeah, when I break free, I'm going to your parents house and
shagging your mum... and tell this little idiot to stop playing air guitar and
shaking his knees at me."

La Parka stops what he's doing and stares at McDonald, before doing a little
dance.

McDonald: "I said stop it, I'm not going down without stopping you being a jerk
like that. That's right - a JERK!! And I could beat your brains in anytime I
wanted!"

La Parka stops what he's doing and looks as sad as a guy with a face painted
on his mask can, before starting to strut some more.

McDonald: "Stop it, stop it, I said stop it, STOP IT DAMNIT!"

A fuming McDonald swings a kick at La Parka, but he ducks and Shane McMahon
gets kicked in the face. McDonald shirks back a little as a groggy Shane comes
to, before McMahon runs up and shoves McDonald into the gas chamber, and the
door gets locked shut. Behind the pexiglass window, we see the chamber fill up
with green smoke, presumably to his death, before we go backstage to Lord
Alfred Hayes and Los Guerreros.

Hayes: "Los Guerreros, you chaps looks and sound like a fine group of brothers,
upholding family traditions and giving us some excellent matches for Coliseum
Video."

Eddie: "For what, ese?"

Hayes: "Ahhh, well I mean for all the fans. Anyway, you lads are in tag team
action tomorrow right here in England, how does it feel to be on the same land
as her majesty, all the whilst upholding these traditions?"

Eddie: "Traditions? Screw traditions, we're a bunch of thieves."

Chavo: "I lie."

Hector: "I cheat."

Mando: "And I steal."

Eddie: "So forget your talk about traditions, if need be, we'll lie, cheat and
steal the crown jewels too."

Hayes: "My grief, you fellows are acting like a bunch of indignant oafs. Now
here's a man who looks like he has a little bit of class."

Hunter Hearst-Helmsley walks on.

Helmsley: "Los Guerreros, who cares, let's talk about me, the classiest, most
dignified man in the DWF and the man who took care of Bobby Eaton tonight,
and next month, you may see me become the King of the Ring to prove how regal
a gentleman like myself truly is."

Hayes: "Well you sound like my kind of superstar."

Sean Mooney walks on.

Mooney: "Hey, Lord Alfred Hayes, I didn't know you were here."

Hayes: "Wow, Sean Mooney, it's been a long time. Remember the hilarious skits
and japes we used to perform?"

Mooney: "Remember all the scrapes we used to get into? Maybe we should
re-enact some of them."

Chavo: "No."

Hector: "Don't even think about it."

Mooney: "Come on guys, it'll be great, and it'll make great footage for DWF
Retarded Magrite. Let's do that one where we were thrown into the Tower of
London."

Hayes: "Yes, that was very amusing."

Mando: "Stop now."

Helmsley: "I swear I'll Pedigree you both into next week if you do."

As everyone keeps bickering, we go to the ring where Paul Roma and his minions
are waiting.

Roma: "As the most dark and demonic man in the DWF, I have spent this week
at stonehenge with all the other druids at the Solstice Ceremony where I was
initiated. And now that the time has passed, I am passing a challenge to any
British competitor, besides Dynamite Kid, to come out here and challenge me
so I can prove how devastating and demonic I am."

Roma awaits a challenge and much to his surprise, out comes none other than
Big Daddy to accept. Oh shit...

Big Daddy vs Paul Roma

Daddy squashes Roma from the get go, only for the Posse to run out and trip him, allowing some weak offense from Roma. To the rescue comes Test who quickly punches the Posses faces in. Daddy takes over again and finishes with a big splash. A mighty 51 second match, no less. 1/4*

We go to a hotel lobby where Kurt Angle is standing trying to get the attention
of the man behind the desk.

Angle: "Excuse me... EXCUSE ME!! I want a refund, that room is unbearable,
the windows are broken, the heating doesn't work and the door fell over."

Man: "The door fell off you say? That'll cost you."

Angle: "Excuse me? There weren't even any hinges. Just take this money and get
somebody to carry my bags to my car, I am out of this rat infested hell hole.
Is the rest of Britain like this place?"

Man: "I'm sure it's not, I'll get a porter to get your bags."

A scruffy, unshaven, unkempt porter comes in and picks up his bags.

Man: "RUN!! They're probably full of money."

The two men quickly sprint off into the night, leaving Angle in their wake.

Angle: "HEY! Get back here at once - I can't believe I've been robbed. This
country isn't just filthy and rude, everyone who lives here is a thief too.
Unbelievable, just unbelievable."

We go backstage to Matt Hardys office where the Young Lions are talking to the
commissioner.

Matthews: "So while we're here, we thought we might solve some of the greatest
mysteries in British history."

York: "Yeah, what happened to Lord Lucan, who was Jack the Ripper, where is
Shergar, why hasn't Byker Grove been cancelled, that sort of thing."

Hardy: "Not yet guys, I've got some more... evidence that you might be able to
dig up on Jody Fleisch. Visit his home, talk to his friends, dig up whatever
dirt on him you can, if we can get anything on him, we can run him out of the
DWF for good."

At this point, a rather bedraggled Ronald McDonald walks in.

McDonald: "Hey, you guys said the smoke would just be green colouring, that
was pepper spray."

Hardy: "And you said you wouldn't kick Shane McMahon in the head."

McDonald: "Well... can I at least take this costume off now?"

Hardy: "Mmmmm........ no."

At this point Larry Zbyszko barges past with Coach in tow.

Zbyszko: "Get lost clown, what I want to know Hardy is how a guy like Jerry
Lynn can be considered for title shots when I beat him so bad last Monday and
got the win."

Hardy: "Through outside interference no less."

Zbyszko: "But a win. You know, I thought Lynn would be tough, but he was much
easier than Bruno Sammartino was in 1980, this fool doesn't know the old school
way at all."

Hardy: "Well I'll tell you who else doesn't - Rob Van Dam, and you've got him
next. Beat him, and we'll talk."

Coach: "Come on Larry, we don't need these stupid-heads, we'll beat RVD and get
us that title shot."

We switch to The Pitbulls walking backstage. The two are talking inaudibly when
Rhyno jumps out of nowhere and Gores #1 before slugging it out with #2. Just as
#2 begins getting an advantage, John Cena and Jody Fleisch jump in and beat
him down, before pulling Rhyno off him.

Fleisch: "Come on Rhyno, we need you fresh if you're going to team up with us
tomorrow."

The three quickly make their escape as we go back to the ring.

Rob Van Dam vs Larry Zbyszko

Larry is, of course, fresh off his win over Jerry Lynn. Van Dam used his speed and
agility to keep Zbyszko on the edge. Larry did what he could, using his
superior wrestling ability to get whatever advantage he could, but he found
himself on the receiving end more often than not. Van Dam was looking very
good, getting a couple of near falls following signature moves. Things were
looking good until Jonathon Coachman pulled out a small clear bag and waved it
at Van Dam. RVD was clearly distracted, and worried for some reason, allowing
Larry to get his thoughts together and plant the Shoulderbreaker on Van Dam for
a huge win.

As Larry celebrates the win, we go to Kurt Angle driving along.

Angle: "I've had a horrible night, my bags have been stolen, I'm hungry, I'm
tired, and I HATE this damn country, I hate Great Britain. What's so great
about it, apart from the fact it's a great big steaming pile of CRAP! Hey, some
police officers, they'll be able to help."

Angle pulls up alongside them and winds down his window.

Angle: "Officers, I wonder if you can help me, my bags have been stolen by
these two miscreants, one of them was wearing a..."

Cop #1: "Slow down sir... is this your car?"

Angle: "No, it's a rental car."

Cop #1: "Can you prove that you've rented it?"

Angle: "Why do I need to - do you suspect it's been stolen? Besides, I heard
that a bus station was torched down just a few miles away earlier, shouldn't
you be down there?"

Cop #2: "A wise guy huh? Step out of the car sir and hand over the
documentation for this vehicle."

Angle: "Well alright, if it'll help."

Cop #1: "Now... can you prove these documents are legit?"

Angle: "Excuse me? What is that supposed to... oh yeah, I almost forgot, I
think I saw a body in the road a few miles back, it looked pretty dead."

Cop #2: "Yeah, we'll deal with that when we can be bothered, right now we have
a possible smuggler to deal with - YOU!"

Angle: "Smuggler? What the hell are you talking about?"

Cop #1: "Can you prove there aren't any diamonds hidden ANYWHERE inside this
car?"

Cop #2: "Even under the bodywork?"

Cop #1: "Or inside the seats?"

Cop #2: "Or in any secret compartments we'll never find."

Angle: "Well... no I couldn't."

Cop #1: "Good enough for me, you're under arrest."

Cop #2: "And then later, we'll deal with that bank robbery from last week."

Angle: "Oh shit..."
Critic of the DawnPosted on 09/27/04 at 07:31:57

Hah!  Excellent stuff there!  I especially liked Ahmed Johnson's guest appearance.  A little incoherant howling can add so much to a show, after all.  ;D

Interesting interpretation of the Ronald McDonald character there.  The whole Tottenham Hotspur / Manchester United thing wouldn't make any sense at all to me (and probably won't to most Americans) if my sister wasn't married to a Brit who's a Tottenham fan.
I thought the death penalty was illegal in the UK... ;D

Very accurate Big Daddy match there, from my understanding of the way his matches usually went.  Isn't he dead though?  Or am I thinking of someone else?

I loved the stuff with Kurt Angle experiencing the worst that Britain has to offer.  Having done a bit of traveling in Britain, I have to say that he's exaggerating just slightly. ;)  The hotels are generally very nice, and if you know what to eat (read: foreign food) the food is usually edible. ;)

All in all, this was really very well put together, and had me laughing out loud quite a few times.  Great stuff.

Eric "Critic of the Dawn"
Snabbit888Posted on 09/27/04 at 11:21:25

This was interesting, but a little too comedy heavy for my liking (which is weird, because I do improv comedy).  I love comedy stuff in wrestling... this just seemed like too much though, IMO.  Got a PPV next though, so hopefully it evens out.
91Posted on 09/27/04 at 19:08:06

Snabby: The card was deliberately included for me to get a lot of that out of my system and generally piss around and amuse myself. For example, I came up with the Ronald McDonald stuff at work one time when I was bored (as a parody of the Paul Bearer "death") but knew I couldn't realistically stick that on a proper PPV. Actually if I'd gone with my original ideas, I couldn't realistically have stuck it on these boards... But yes, I agree entirely. ;)

CotD: The Ahmed stuff came about after someone confused our circuits on the WWE board. As for Angle, it's a skewed look at some of Britains problems (the trains really are awful, the police really can be that bone idol, food is often that bad etc etc). Big Daddy? Yeah, he's passed away, but... y'know. And finally, your sister has good taste in men. ;D