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DWF Wrestlefest, 27/05/07

91Posted on 07/31/04 at 18:41:38

Card Information:
Held in: SKYDOME
Location: TORONTO, ONTARIO, CANADA
Date/Time: 27/05/07 at 8:00pm
Matches/Interviews booked: 15
Arena Capacity: 12000
Attendance: 12000
A Sold Out Arena.
Ticket Buy Rate: 100%
PPV ratings: 4.6%
Approximently Viewers: 6900000

Brian Pillman vs Dean Malenko

The opening contest saw Dean Malenko trying his hardest against Brian Pillman,
trying to impress. Malenko once again let his concentration lapse, ducking
his head at an inopportune time, allowing Pillman to plant him with a DDT for
the win. Can't complain with the quality of that one. **** 1/4

We go backstage to Matt Hardys office where he and Shane McMahon have been
watching the opener.

Shane: "Great match Matt, great Matt."

Hardy: "Yeah, Pillmans looking good, can't say the same for Dean Malenko, but
that's sort of similar to how Jody Fleisch will be looking later after I beat
him one-two-three and settle this thing once and for all."

Shane: "Well good luck in that, but I'm going to sit back, I'm leaving the
general running to you tonight and I'm just going to enjoy some more of these
matches."

Hardy: "I'm telling you, I know which you'll enjoy the most, and per..."

Cutting him off mid sentence is the sudden arrival of Christian York and Joey
Matthews bursting into the room wailing some unrecognisable tune. Joey is
sporting a Sherlock Holmes hat whilst York wears an old fashioned grey suit."

Hardy: "What the hell are you two doing?"

Matthews: "It's our dramatic entrance that we're now sporting. See, we just
saw how big our Wrestlefest payoff is going to be."

York: "It's HUGE! Our biggest ever."

Hardy: "A hundred bucks?"

York: "HUGE!!"

Hardy: "Between you? What's so great about that, and why are you dressed like
idiots?"

Matthews: "Elementary my dear Hardy. We finally have the finances to achieve
our dream of running our own detective agency. You can address me as Inspector
Joey."

Hardy: "Jesus Christ..."

York: "No, Inspector Joey actually, and I am Officer York to you. We're here to
solve all the mysteries in the DWF, for a fee of course."

Hardy: "OK, go and discover the mystery of why you two are still in my office."

Matthews: "No time, we have a few others to solve before the night is over.
Come Officer York, we have work to do."

Singing their tune again, the two spasm their way out of the room as we go to
Michael Cole.

Cole: "Billy Kidman, Steve Corino, Clarence Mason, tonight is a huge night for
the three of you. Intercontinental tag team titles in tow, you could both walk
out of here with singles titles each as well."

Mason: "Could? Are you insinuating that my clients may not fulfill their goals
here tonight?"

Cole: "Well, I..."

Mason: "That sir is slander and you shall be hearing from me and my team first
thing Monday morning."

Cole: "But..."

Kidman: "Can it Cole. See, we've got something far more important to deal with
right now. See, Raven has been a thorn in my side for a long time. At Revenge
is Sweet, that title was mine, I was robbed by outside interference, I was
robbed by shabby officiating and I was robbed by that moody blackbird Raven,
suffice to say they were ALL sued, but tonight their punishment is that they
have to watch me walk out with the worlds heavyweight title."

Corino: "And Bobby Eaton, the two of us have beaten you up so badly, you're
staggering around with, what's this we hear, cracked ribs? The old school
beatings I've been giving you have been too much and now you can barely walk,
and here you are with the TV title at my mercy. All it will take is one Old
School Explusion to you, your neck will be broken as well, and that title will
be mine. And don't even think of doing anything you won't be able to manage
with your injuries, if you screw up, we'll sue."

Kidman: "You know, this is set to be the greatest Wrestlefest in history. And
when I'm representing the DWF as its champion, I will take on all comers and
I will go down in history as the single greatest champion, the greatest
wrestler and the greatest everything else, ever in history."

Mason: "And if he doesn't, then by god, we'll sue the historians."

Cole: "Well, titles on the line, Steve Corino against Bobby Eaton is up next,
let's head back to the ring."

Bobby Eaton (c) vs Steve Corino (television title)

Steve Corinos match with Bobby Eaton was an affair tough to watch. Not because
of the quality of the wrestling, but Corinos brutal attack on the ribs of
Eaton, hitting backbreakers, stomach busters and spinebusters to add further
damage to Eaton who was struggling even to breathe. Despite getting a nasty
gash on his tongue, causing his mouth to fill with blood, Corino kept control
until Eaton gamely tried to counter Corinos "old school" tactics. If old school
is nothing more than thuggery, he might be on top something. Eaton managed to
knock Corino down for a moment, then headed up top for the Alabama Jam. Sadly
for Eaton, Corino was playing possum. Eaton crashed to the mat, doing his ribs
no favours and as he picked himself up, Corino hit the Old School Explusion to
take the title. *** 3/4

We go backstage to Michael Cole.

Cole: "Devon Storm, your six year wait to regain the Intercontinental title
could come to an end here tonight when you take on three men, your thoughts on
each."

Devon: "Michael Cole, I don't give a damn about anyone in this match. Sean
O'Haire is a great champion but the guy is unstable, when I got him in the back
of the head, it was an accident and he took it personally. Let me guarentee
that tonight, it will be no accident. As for John Cena, the guy is an idiot, I
invented being unnecessarily evil before he made a gimmick out of it. I've
spent the last several years being held back, waiting to be granted an
opportunity once again by the very people denying me my chance. Well I've got
my chance tonight, and I'm not about to throw it away."

Cole: "And what are your thoughts on The Rock?"

Devon: "... I'll believe it when I see it."

Cole: "Back to ringside."

Rey Mysterio vs Juventud Guerrera

Rey Mysterio and Juventud Guerrera culminated their months long feud with a
match designed to end their rivalry. Juvi used whatever cheap tactics he could
think of, but missing a dive on Rey, he left himself prone for the 619. Rey
connected and scored the win. *** 3/4

We go backstage to Sean Mooney.

Mooney: "Wow, my first ever Wrestlefest, I am so excited to be, this is
without a doubt my finest hour, I have never been at such a big event and I..."

Angle: "Would you shut up already and interview me?"

Mooney: "Oh, sorry."

Angle: "Tell me, how does this compare to Wrestlemania?"

Mooney: "HOW SHOULD I KNOW?!? I WAS NEVER IN THE WWF!!"

Angle: "Whatever. Tonight is all about me taking that limey football hooligan
Dynamite Kid and showing him why America is the greatest and Britain sucks, it
doesn't even have an empire any more and they always get their asses kicked in
the Commonwealth games. I hate Britain, I hate ALL foreign countries."

Mooney: "Well amazingly they DON'T all hate you. Earlier today on the USA
Network on DWF Terrible Lizard, we saw some..."

Angle: "What the hell? DWF what?"

Mooney: "DWF Terrible Lizard, the hottest new show on all the USA Network and
all of cable television."

Angle: "I didn't see it, and I was watching USA all day today, it's the ONLY
channel I'll watch. All they had was a Silk Stalkings marathon."

Mooney: "Maybe you took a bathroom break?"

Angle: "It's not even listed in this T.V. Guide."

Mooney: "Look, do you want to see the footage or not?"

Angle: "Not really."

Mooney: "It's of people from various different countries and cultures singing
their praises for you."

Angle: "Don't care, whatever they have to say is a waste of my time anyway."

Mooney: "Well here it is anyway."

We switch to grainy camcorder footage of DWF Terrible Lizard, being filmed by
Mooney. He sneaks up to an ugly bearded man painting something.

Mooney: "Are you famed Australian Rolf Harris?"

Rolf: "You betcha, can you guess what it is yet?"

Mooney: "Wow, that's a great picture, it looks like Kurt Angle."

Rolf: "It is, but I'm not done yet, I haven't finished drawing the rabid dog
that's going to be mauling him."

Mooney: "Wow, you must love Kurt Angle a lot to etch his legacy into a
painting."

Rolf: "That's right, and if you hang around long enough, you'll see me add
Eddie Guerrero beating eaten by a boa constrictor and Paul Roma being bit by
a sea turtle."

Mooney: "Wow, this is the greatest celebrity appearance in the history of the
DWF, and I was here to do the interview."

Rolf finishes off with a didgeridoo solo as we go back live.

Mooney: "See, foreigners love you Kurt."

Angle: "You're an idiot, and I'm going out there to tell the whole world what
I think of Dynamite Kid."

Angle leaves, heading in the general direction of the ring. Meantime we go to
Michael Cole.

Cole: "Don Muraco, tonight perhaps the biggest match of your career as you
take on Jerry Lynn in a match we've been waiting an entire year for."

Muraco: "Jerry Lynn, the biggest name in the company, tonight there's a new
name in town once and for all. I am undefeated, unbeatable, unbreakable,
tonight I will crush Jerry Lynn and prove that I am worthy of the title shot
that the egotist Matt Hardy has spent a year denying me."

Jeff: "And on this special occassion, I have prepared a special Wrestlefest
haiku for you all to enjoy.

Wrestlefest is great
Jeff Hardy will be the star
Don will beat Lynn too."

Muraco and Cole look nervously at each other.

Muraco: "That's exactly the truth, with my power and Jeff Hardys leadership,
tonight will be the greatest night of my life."

We go back to the ring where Kurt Angle has entered for his match, as he grabs
a mic.

Angle: "Boy, am I DISGUSTED! Disgusted that the biggest event of the year has
to take place in the cesspit that is Toronto, Canada. I could have thought of
a thousand better choices. Pittsburgh, Seattle, Orlando, Boston, St. Louis,
maybe Arizona, how about Sacramento or Detroit or Vermont? Anywhere but
Canada. Like the song says, blame Canada - well if this turns out to be the
worst Wrestlefest ever, you'll all have yourselves to blame and the whole
country of Canada will have itself to blame. But don't worry, as your olympic
he... well, not YOUR olympic hero, that's for damn sure, but as an olympic
hero, I want to show you the kind of guy I am, I'm going to try and teach you
all the error of your ways by giving you my stirring version of Star Spangled
Banner. And remember folks, if you can find any Americans ugly and stupid
enough to want to marry your fat asses, do it and get citizenship right away,
so you too can join in the fun and call yourselves American. Now, if you'll
hit the music... OOOOOOH...... SAYYYYYYY.......... CAAAAAANNNNNNN..........
YYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUU........ SEEEEEEEEEE........ B..... B.... BBBBYYYYYY
....... THHHHHEEEEEEEE............ DDDDDDDDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWW
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWNNNNNNNNNNNNNSSSSSSSSSS.............................
......................EEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRR...............LLLLLLYYYYYY
YY............ LLLLLLLLLLLL...........IIIIIIIIIII...........GGGGGGGHHTTT..."

Thankfully the music of the Dynamite Kid interrupts Kurts horrible (and slow)
rendition. Angle seethes with anger at this "show of disrespect" and jumps
him the moment he gets into the ring, getting the match underway.

Dynamite Kid vs Kurt Angle

Dynamite Kid and Kurt Angle went at it in a big grudge match with both men
having a point they wanted to prove. After a long encounter in which both men
showed off their wrestling prowess, Dynamite took over with a series of
crushing lariats, almost taking Angles head off, then finishing him with the
Swandive Headbutt. Straight wrestling match, and a classic at that. *****

As Dynamite celebrates by parading both the Maple Leaf and the Union Jack, we
go backstage to Sean Mooney running down a corridor.

Mooney: "Wow folks, this assignment could be even bigger than my interview with
Rolf Harris... Scott Putski, if you could just hold on a second, I want to
grab a few words with you."

Putski: "Oh Jesus Mooney, what have I told you before? Stop calling my house,
stop hiding in the bushes trying to film me, and especially stop filming my
wife when she's getting changed."

Mooney: "That was all for DWF broadcasting, honest."

Putski: "Listen, I'm not going on your stupid DWF Defcon Alert show, and that's
final."

Mooney: "Defcon Alert? That's so last week, now it's DWF Terrible Lizard, would
you appear on that?"

Putski: "NO!!"

Mooney: "Well, how about a few words before your huge match tonight with Paul
Roma."

Putski: "This is the stupidest match ever, I've got to face that cloak wearing
retard whilst trying to avoid two other cloak wearing retards, and their
cloaks are knitted... wait, why the hell am I even bothering to speak to you,
I caught you filming up my wifes skirt last week."

Mooney: "Hey, I dropped my camera. Besides, you've obviously calmed down, you
said you'd give me a black eye if you caught me."

Putski: "Oh yeah."

Putski levels Mooney with a right hand before walking off, as we go to Michael
Cole.

Cole: "Doug Furnas, Phil LaFon, next up is your match with Edge and Christian
as you look to finally settle this huge score."

Furnas: "Edge and Christian, so proud to be back home in Toronto. Well I'm
from Oklahoma and Phil is from Montreal, so we frankly don't care about home
town support, nor will we let them have any home town advantage. Fact is, we
have practically got our shot at the title due to John Cenas tireless work,
tonight we're going to reward his work AND his faith, starting off by beating
these muppets Edge and Christian, come on Phil."

The two of them walk off as we return to the ring.

Edge & Christian vs Doug Furnas & Phil LaFon

Edge and Christian were able to do away with Furnas and LaFon for now after an
impressive tag team encounter. After the standard fourway broke out, Christian
dropped to his hands and knees, allowing Edge to spring off him and take out
Furnas on the outside. Christian meanwhile avoided the incoming LaFon and
planted him with the Unprettier for the win. **** 1/4

We go backstage to Michael Cole.

Cole: "Los Guerreros, all four of you in action tonight, but Eddie, it's most
notably you as you take on your nephew Chavo Guerrero Jr.."

Eddie: "All these Chavos hombre, it's so confusing, I just remember them as
loyal, brave Chavo and whiny little thief Chavo, and I'm facing the whiny one.
You know Michael, he was the worst nephew ever, he never wrote me any thankyou
letters after Christmas, he never remembered my birthday and the one year he
did, he wrote on the card 'Happy Birthday Egbert', the guy is a loser and I
got sick of carrying him in every match. When I'm done beating him like the
donkey he is, I'm going to watch my brothers do me proud, do Mama Guerrero
proud and especially do our dad, Gory Guerrero..."

The four of them stop to raise their heads proudly, beaming smiles.

Eddie: "...proud."

Cole: "Yes, they take part in that battle royal later, but what would..."

Before Michael Cole can finish, onto the scene dance Inspector Joey and Officer
York.

Matthews: "Hold it right there Michael Cole, because we've just solved our
first mystery."

York: "That's right, one of the biggest mysteries in wrestling history. The
mystery of..."

York/Matthews: "WHO RAISED THE BRIEFCASE AT THE KING OF THE RING!!"

Cole: "Ummm... OK."

Matthews: "That's right. My assistant Chrissy York and myself found the
evidence in the locker rooms earlier, and we can reveal the man who raised the
briefcase was... YOU MANDO GUERRERO!!"

Eddie: "What, that's stupid, he was nowhere near the arena that night."

Chavo: "Yeah, and what would he have against Steve Austin anyway?"

Mando: "OK I admit, I did it, I did it."

Everyone: "WHAT?!?"

Matthews: "That's right, we found the briefcase in amongst your wrestling gear,
would you care to explain."

Mando: "I flew over there to stop a travesty happening, I went over there to
prevent Billy Gunn becoming the King of the Ring, but I got there too late
because Steve Austins ice-cream van he was going to drive to ringside for his
match was blocking the entrance."

Hector: "I don't recall seeing an ice-cream van."

Mando: "That's because I ran into it. I was too late, Billy Gunn became King
of the Ring, and I was furious. So I got my revenge, I commandered the controls
backstage and I raised the briefcase, then later stole it."

Matthews: "That's right, now let's see exactly what's inside."

Inspector Joey opens it up in a position that doesn't allow us to see what is
inside, but everyone else crowds round to get a look.

Chavo: "My god, I don't believe it..."

York: "It's Shawn Michaels missing smile."

Hector: "Holy cow, the guy was telling the truth all along."

Matthews: "Ummmm, it's a bit late now guys... shall we pretend we never found
this, we'll go dump it in the river."

Everyone nods agreeably before the Young Lions dance off into the night, as we
go to Jonathon Coachman with Larry Zbyszko and another very special guest.

Coach: "Hi everybody, I'm the Coach Jonathon Coachman - the Coach! Hi
everybody. I'm here with Chris Jericho who tonight is in the Pride of Canada
match."

Jericho: "For Gods sake Jonathon Cockroach, would you shut the hell up. You
too Larry Chuwumbawumba, I'm here tonight to do Canada some justice, to give
them a champion wrestler to be proud of and win the Pride of Canada tournament.
Chris Benoyt and Lance Storm, I've beaten you two ham and eggers too many
times for the great Chris Jericho to remember, I am the greatest thing to come
out of Canada ever, Wayne Gretsky couldn't lace my boots on his best day and
when I take the heads off the shoulders of these two morons, I won't be about
to wash their hair Johnny."

Jericho poses a little as we head to the ring for our cruiserweight title
match.

Kid Kash (c) vs Low Ki (cruiserweight title)

Low Ki and Kid Kash are good friends but there were no friends in this one
as they battled for the cruiserweight title. After a fast paced encounter in
which both men had spells of control, Kid Kash lifted up Low Ki for a powerbomb
only for Low Ki to reverse with a Frankensteiner and hold him down for the
win and the title. *** 3/4

As Low Ki is presented with the belt, Kid Kash stands up dejectedly and goes
over to Low Ki. For a second it might look as if Kash will take his
frustrations out on him, but instead embraces him and raises his arm as Low
Ki celebrates the win, before we go backstage to Michael Cole.

Cole: "John Cena, I've parked my car six blocks down, you can't get anywhere
near it tonight to try out one of your unnecessarily evil schemes."

Cena: "Geez Cole, I wasn't planning on doing anything. You think my plotting
would work every week if I did the same stuff day in day out? No, what I have
done is perpetrated some evilness on Sean O'Haire and Devon Storm. Asides from
playing those two screwballs against each other, I have gotten them in ways
unimaginable to the regular human mind. Earlier today I went to the park and
grabbed a couple of stones, put 'em in Devon Storms boots. It takes hours for
you to find those things and figure out what's wrong, by which time he will
have long lost the match. As for O'Haire, check it out, I mailed this phony
summons to his house where this guy sues him for various gimmick infringements,
claiming that O'Haire stole the homoerotic psychoanalysis character from him,
it's gonna totally distract him and I will be once again, the most evil of all
the Intercontinental champions that ever lived, even more evil than Lance
Storm ever was."

Cole: "What about The Rock?"

Cena: "... I'll believe it when I see it... hey, six blocks down?"

Cole: "What?"

Cena: "Your car, you said six blocks down, isn't that the Toronto Ghetto down
there?"

Cole: "Uhhh..."

Cena: "Because your car is on bricks by now, I guarentee it."

Before Cole can start screaming and swearing, we go to ringside where Jody
Fleisch enters for his match.

Fleisch: "Before we start, I have some proposals that I think you'll all be
very interested in. First of all, I am campaigning for the full time return to
the roster of Jeff Hardy. See, Matt Hardy has been stealing the family
spotlight for years now, and it's about time little Jeff got the chance to get
off his ass, stop writing his poetry, and get in the ring and kick his brothers
behind already. Secondly, I propose that we hire Mr. Vince Russo to overlook
the booking backstage... oh go ahead and boo, but his charismatic ideas and
revolutionary tactics made him Nitros star. Further more, I think it's about
time we hired some more legends of this business. When Billy 'freaking' Kidman
can get a main event, then we need more people like The Rock later tonight.
I want to see the Brets, the Stings, the Hulks and the Aldos of this world
in the DWF. Now Matt Hardy, get out here so I can show you how a REAL wrestler
should perform on this god forsaken show of yours."

Matt Hardy duly comes out and the match soon gets underway.

Commissioner Matt Hardy vs Jody Fleisch

Matt Hardys attempts at settling the score with Jody Fleisch were given a blow
as Fleisch was victorious, outsmarting Hardy. As Fleisch came off the ropes,
Hardy dropped down to the mat, and Fleisch changed direction, hit the corner
and landed the 2-8-4-7-4 on a surprised Hardy, knocking the wind out of him
and Fleisch came out on top. **** 1/4

We go backstage to Michael Cole.

Cole: "Jerry Lynn, tonight is the night that you take on your biggest challenge
as you face the man some say is near unbeatable, Don Muraco."

Lynn: "See Michael Cole, that's where you're wrong. There isn't a human being
alive who is unbeatable, regardless of size, strength, speed or political
power. Not even I am unbeatable, but what that boils down to is the willingness
to step back, take a look in the mirror and realise what's the right thing to
do. Is the right thing tonight to take out Don Muraco and wipe him off the
face of this business, or turn the man who wants nothing more than a title
shot into the biggest star in the history of wrestling? It's a tough call, but
then you know I always go out there and do everything I can to remind the
world why I have the power at my fingertips to proclaim myself as the cynosure
of wrestling... to play God.

Don Muraco is a mountain of a man, a man who doesn't need somebody like Jeff
Hardy dictating his every move, but chooses to through his own weaknesses and
lack of confidence, a lack of confidence I could very well exploit and
showcase in front of a watching audience of millions. But as you well know, I'm
not that sort of person Don, I might make things easier for you, you never
can tell with me. On this night, Wrestlefest seven, the biggest night in the
history of wrestling, what is for certain is that the decision lies in the
palm of my hands. It's more than a case of choosing the right pill, flipping
the coin the right way up or spinning the wheel... red or black. Draw red and
you'll see the red of my blood pour into your hands and you'll like it, you'll
relish it and take everything you ever wanted in one fell swoop. Take black
and things are a little darker, your very career is blackened to the point of
no return, and Don, I'm not holding my hands behind my back tonight, the fate
of the DWF lies in our hands tonight. You do your bit out there, you can be
sure that the cynosure, Jerry Lynn, will be doing his."

Lynn lowers his head and skulks off as we head back to the ring.

Jerry Lynn vs Don Muraco

The big one for many people was Don Muraco taking on Jerry Lynn. As expected,
the two tore into each other as the world waited to see which of the two men
many people class as near unbeatable could come out on top. Jeff Hardy was a
crucial factor, trying to interject himself where he could. Lynn was too smart
for that and worked his way around Hardy, finally scooping Muraco up for the
Cradle Piledriver. Jeff Hardy sprang onto the apron to distract him and a cruel
smile crossed over Lynns face. Lynn dropped Muraco and made his way over to
Hardy, who was by now arguing with the ref and not paying attention. Lynn
yanked him into the ring and set about kicking his ass, before planting him
with the Cradle Piledriver. Hardy was well and truly wiped out and Lynn went
back to working over Muraco. Lynn hit him with a series of clotheslines,
finally knocking him down, then headed up top, waiting for Muraco to stir. When
he did, Lynn lept off the top, only for Muraco to catch him and nail him with
the Tombstone and wouldn't you credit it, Muraco got the three count and
scored a near-clean victory over Lynn. *** 3/4

We go backstage to Sean Mooney with Rolf Harris, who is evidently still
hanging around.

Mooney: "Wow, what a Wrestlefest this has been, and there's no doubt the action
will be getting hotter and heavier as the night goes on. Rolf, what are you
painting now? Me perhaps?"

Rolf: "No, I'm painting a picture of Hunter Hearst-Helmsley, poor little
blighter. It's right after his tragic loss to La Parka to symbolise the pain
and anguish of defeat. And look, he's been tied down, sport, and is about to
be ravaged by a crazed wallaby."

Mooney: "Is this your first wrestling event?"

Rolf: "You know, I don't think it is..."

The Mean Street Posse and Paul Roma walk on, the hoods of their cloaks
conceiling their faces.

Roma: "Hey Mooney, you said you were going to interview US after the Muraco
Lynn match, not Colonel Sanders."

Mooney: "This is famed entertainer and Australian Rolf Harris."

Roma: "We're not interested, all we want is that butt munching loser Scott
Putski, so we can get revenge and show him who the true higher power is in
the DWF, and here you are talking to this retarded Magrite rip-off."

Mooney: "Hmmm, that gives me an idea..."

Roma: "Putski, if you're listening, get ready for the worst most horrible
shellacking of your life. We're going to pound you and mound you, bash you and
mash you, because we're tough. We're double tough and tonight, we will make
this the GREATEST Wrestlefest ever."

Roma and the Posse storm off.

Mooney: "Wow, harsh words from Paul Roma."

Rolf: "Poor little blighter."

We switch to Michael Cole.

Cole: "Rock'n'Roll Express, finally the rematch with Pretty Perfect, but
aren't you guys a little nervous seeing that their win-loss record over you
is far superior than your record over them? Their loss count is close to
nothing at all."

Morton: "Hey, when you're as a rocking and a rolling as us, you really don't
care. OK, so they beat us a few times, but we've got some new moves for them
out there."

Gibson: "That's right, because we're the coolest and the best tag team around,
we're going to rock Pretty Perfect, we're going to roll Pretty Perfect and
we wil retain our tag team belts because we're the greatest."

Cole: "Well, Rock'n'Roll Express are confident, that match coming up later, for
now, back to ringside."

Scott Putski vs Paul Roma

Finally Scott Putski was the victim of a triple team as the Mean Street Posse,
holding lighters up whenever their greater power was on the attack, aimed to
cost Putski his match with Paul Roma. After Putski bumped the ref (oddly the
only ref bump of the night), Rodney and Pete Gas jumped in and beat him down
along with Roma, just as Putski looked like victory was on the cards. The
three then indicated they were about to sacrifice Putski for whatever purpose,
but there was another surprise in store for them as Scott Putskis dad Ivan
lept from the crowd and took out Pete Gas and Rodney. The Posse went to the
outside, but Ivan was easily able to deal with them and keep them at bay. Roma
shouted his disapproval at Ivan, not noticing Scott coming round. Scott
grabbed Roma and pulled him in to a vicious short-arm lariat, and Roma was laid
out for good, as Putski scored the pin. * 1/2

As Putski and his dad embrace, we go backstage to Michael Cole.

Cole: "Sean O'Haire, up next an Intercontinental title defense shrouded in
mystery."

O'Haire: "You know, my opponents are a shrinks dream, what more can be said
about them? John Cena, a man who claims to be evil, wants to be seen as evil.
What's it all about, the man wears black, pretends to not want to be noticed
but inside, he craves the attention. Shunned by his peers as a child, picked
last at wiffleball, sat by himself at the front of the class and was picked on
from day one, the guy harbours a resentment towards society and all who pile
into it, he attempts to be evil, get his ultimate revenge. What he fails to
realise is that the whole world still laughs at him, still doesn't want to be
friends with him, still wouldn't pick him at sports.

Devon Storm meanwhile is a little twisted in the head. Likes to spew his own
brand of the truth, likes to 'shoot' as the expression goes, says exactly what
is on his mind. I can respect that enough, but his brand of the truth has been
skewed to it in with his own resentments, a man who needs an excuse for
everything that goes wrong in his life, can't look in the mirror and own up to
his faults, spoiled as a child perhaps and never chastised enough for his
actions. Two tortured souls like this are the kind of opponents I relish, and
tonight, the Intercontinental title is staying right around my waist."

Cole: "And what about The Rock?"

O'Haire: "... The Rock... I've got a lot to say about him should the need come
up, but I'll believe it when I see it."

We switch to a distraught Mean Street Posse and Paul Roma backstage.

Roma: "I can't believe that wrinkled up old fossil would ASSAULT us like that,
surely there's something we can do about that."

Sean Mooney approaches.

Mooney: "Terribly bad luck, do you think I could get a 'diary of your day'
segment on my show tomorrow so the world can see your torment, it'll send
ratings through the roof."

Roma: "Get lost Mooney, nobody wants to..."

Suddenly Inspector Joey and Officer York jerk their way on screen.

Matthews: "Hold it right there boys, see there's another mystery that needs
to be solved here. See, back in 1999, SOMEBODY played that tape of Mick Foleys
voice at the Royal Rumble."

York: "That's right, and we've solved the mystery, we know who it was."

Matthews: "That's right, it was elementary my dear Chrissy, and the
perpetrator of this terrible crime was YOU.... RODNEY!"

Gas: "Don't be stupid, we were nowhere near the arena."

Roma: "Yeah, get lost you idiots."

Rodney: "OK, I did it, I did it."

Everyone: "WHAT?!?"

Matthews: "That's right, we had all the evidence we needed when you mistakenly
picked up the wrong cassette this morning to play on your Walkman, and we
found that tape in your belongings, the tape you've hidden for all these years
to hide your wrong doings."

Gas: "But why?"

Rodney: "Because Mick Foley was cruel. When I was young, living in the mean
streets of Greenwich, this guy who looked a bit like him drove through a
puddle of mud and splashed my jeans, right before I had a date with your
sister Pete. I was so heartbroken that I vowed revenge, and I found the
perfect chance. I paid Shawn Stasiak to record his voice, though I didn't tell
him why, then I played his voice over the intercom at the right time and I
cost that bastard the title."

Gas: "Hang on... my sister?"

Rodney: "I hid the tape after that, thinking nobody would ever find it. I
guess I should have destroyed it, when you don't look carefully, it looks just
like my Celine Deon tape, I must have picked up the wrong one this morning
when I left for Wrestlefest."

Roma: "As your higher power Rodney, I ban you from listening to Celine Deon."

Rodney: "Awww, but lord, my heart will go on... uhhh.... oh alright."

Rodney curses his luck as Roma smiles smugly.

Matthews: "Another mystery solved. Come on officer, we have more crimes to
close, more cases to crack."

The two bound off singing their annoying tune as we go to the ring for the
Intercontinental title match. Devon Storm enters first and gets a good reaction
from the fans.

John Cena enters next and it seems part of his master plan seems to be in
effect as he is joined by Doug Furnas and Phil LaFon. As they make their way
down the aisle, several officials spill out and block their progress, and order
Furnas and LaFon back to the locker room. All three men protest vehemently but
to no avail and Cena realises he has to do this alone.

O'Haire is next out and he gets a great reaction as champion, but the feeling
in the air is that everyone is awaiting the next man.

Sure enough, The Rocks extended entrance (circa 2002) kicks up, bringing the
place into a frenzy. Finally the man himself steps out...

...and he sure seems to have shrunk since we last saw him. The fans quickly
turn on him, realising that it's none other than Brad Armstrong in yet another
ridiculous outfit. He gets pelted with litter from the angry fans (most of
which will probably be asking for a refund later) but he shrugs it off and
goes through all the Rocks mannerisms, before the match gets underway.

Sean O'Haire (c) vs Devon Storm vs Unnecessarily Evil John Cena vs 'The Rock' Brad Armstrong (intercontinental title)

After the sham of Brad Armstrong posing as The Rock to make his return to the
ring after over a year on the sidelines, he showed that he had lost none of
his abilities to wrestle, even if he was now copying The Rocks moveset, right
down to the spinebuster, samoan drop and sloppy Sharpshooter than he used on
Sean O'Haire. All four men came close meanwhile. Storm was first to hit his
finisher as he took down Cena with the Thunderclap Brainbuster, only for Brad
to break that one up. O'Haire hit Brad with the Seanton Bomb, broken up by
Devon, whilst Cena hit the Seventh Deadly Sin on Devon, broken up by O'Haire.
In the end, O'Haire and Cena spilled to the outside while it came down to
Devon and Brad in the ring. Devon took control but Brad was thinking quick,
ducked under a clothesline and hit the Rock Bottom. The Peoples Elbow came next
and it looked over, only for Devon to shockingly kick out. Brad was incensed
and hit his real finisher, the Russian Legsweep and that kept Devon down this
time. He started with the Cruiserweight title, he went on to win the Television
title, now Brad Armstrong wears the Intercontinental title. *** 3/4

We go backstage to the locker room where Edge and Christian have been watching
on a monitor.

Edge: "Dude, that is so totally bogus."

Christian: "Yeah, that's nefarious all right."

Rob Van Dam bounds on screen.

RVD: "Dudes, like, look at all the colours you guys are wearing, it's like,
y'know... woooooaaaaaahhhhhh!"

Edge: "Black?"

RVD: "Yeah, it's so you, and look how huge you've gotten, just like that
monster Masato Tanaka, I got him later."

Christian: "Geez man, it's Wrestlefest, the biggest event of the year, you win
here EVERY year, didn't you consider not having any of the wacky backy for just
one night?"

RVD: "Dude, I haven't touched anything like that. I've only been smoking
cigarettes and just a liiiiittle bit of hemp. Hey, but don't worry, it's all
cool when you're Rob... Van... Dam because I can handle it. I'll beat that
Masato dude out there, and then maybe the three of us could celebrate with a
smoke."

Edge: "Sounds... uhhhh... great. Come find us when you're done."

RVD: "Hey, no problem. Before I go out there, I don't suppose you guys could
lend me a packet of Cheetos, I'm starving for some reason."

Christian: "Sorry."

RVD: "Oh well, see you later."

Van Dam leaves.

Christian: "We're not really going to smoke with him are we?"

Edge: "No way little buddy, I scored free tickets to the concert hall down the
road, Mike Oldfield is doing a six hour non-stop performance of Tubular Bells."

Christian: "AWESOME!!"

The two high five as we go to Michael Cole with the new Intercontinental
champion.

Cole: "Uhhh, Brad Armstrong, I was wondering wha..."

Brad: "First of all it's The Rock, so shut your mouth jabroni. Finally The
Rock has come BACK to Wrestlefest. And let The Rock say this, he just went out
there and kicked the candy asses of three jabronis, and The Rock won his gold
just like The Rock said he would. He laid the smackdown, and when the dust
cleared, The Rock stood tall with the Intercontinental championship, because
The Rock is the peoples champ, The Rock is the peoples choice and The Rock is
the best damn Intercontinental champ there ever was, so shut your mouth,
before The Rock slaps the taste out of it."

Cole: "Well, Brad Ar... uhhh, The Rock is the new Intercontinental champion,
what more is going to happen here tonight."

We go elsewhere to Triple Threat.

Benoit: "You dissapointed me Dean, you dissapointed me. I am sick of your
shoddy performances, so Masato, you better go out there and do good. You've
seen how out of his face Van Dam is, if you can't win this, then you'll never
win a match again. I don't want to be the only guy winning for the team tonight
so do me proud and show this imbecile how it should be done."

Malenko hangs his head while Tanaka looks confident as we head back to the
ring.

Rob Van Dam vs Masato Tanaka

Another Triple Threat member, Masato Tanaka, took on Rob Van Dam. Unlike
Malenko earlier, Tanaka didn't show a lack of concentration, but on this night
he was simply outperformed as Van Dam, despite his... state of mind. Van Dam
used his quick hitting abilities to take Tanaka down with a Van Daminator
and score the Five Star for the win. Good effort by Tanaka, but Van Dam keeps
up his unbroken winning streak at Wrestlefest. *** 3/4 Great match, but no even
close to being on a par with some of their past matches.

We go backstage to Michael Cole.

Cole: "Chavo Guerrero Jr., next up you take on your uncle and former tag team
partner Eddie Guerrero, it must be tough for you to go through with this."

Chavo: "Not really. After all the abuse, the wretchedness and verbal insults
he's given me for years, I am glad to finally be out of his grasp and running
on my own. And just because my other uncles AND my dad want to side with him,
it's not going to bother me. I was always the best and most popular in the
team, not him like he claims, and tonight I'll prove it."

Chavo strides off confidently.

Cole: "Well, Chavo looking confident, back to..."

Pretty Perfect walk on and interrupt.

Hart: "Woah woah woah, stay with this Michael Cole, we've got a few words to
say as well, and if an idiot like Chavo Guerrero can get interview time, then
the greatest and most perfect team in history can as well."

Cole: "Uhhh, well, Pretty Perfect, tag titles on the line tonight, could you
regain the gold you held for long before?"

Hennig: "The fact it's taken us four months to get a rematch shows how
pathetic some people can be. The Rock'n'Roll Express should have offered us the
match immediately so we could win the belts back. Well it's worked out pretty
good after all. Sure, they've gotten their little reign in, now the inevitable
sets in, now they HAVE to defend the belts against the most... PERFECT team
there is. Not only that, they have to do it at Wrestlefest, what a... PERFECT
place to win the belts back, at the biggest stage of them all, the whole world
will be watching this one and they'll all get to see us beat you within an inch
of your lives and win back OUR tag team belts."

Hart: "And after tonight, everyone will recognise that we are well and truly
the greatest and only... PERFECT team that's ever walked this earth.
Rock'n'Roll Express, I hope you enjoyed your reign, because it comes to an end
tonight courtesy of Pretty Perfect."

Chavo Guerrero Jr. vs Eddie Guerrero

In the Uncle vs Nephew battle, Eddie was unable to rely on his brothers,
barred from ringside but used his experience edge to have a lot of the action
over Chavo but his cockiness cost him, as posing once too often after a big
move, Chavo was able to cradle him up and take the win. **** 1/4

We go backstage to Jonathon Coachman and Larry Zbyszko who are with Hunter
Hearst-Helmsley.

Coach: "Hi everybody, I'm with Hunter Hearst-Helmsley who is competing later
tonight in the big battle royal match. What do you think Hunter?"

Helmsley: "A man of my class and skill? I have it all, there is no way anyone
as sophisticated as me can possibly be defeated on such a big stage and... hey,
aren't you in this thing as well Zbyszko?"

Larry: "Hey, I'm going to stretch you like a rubber band and flick you over
the top, because I can actually wrestle, unlike that knee based garbage you
do. Why, back in 1980 against Bruno Sammartino, I..."

Helmsley: "Oh you think you're a big man huh?"

Larry: "You want to start this thing now?"

Brad Armstrong walks on scene.

Brad: "Hold it there jabronis, because this is The Rocks event, this is The
Rocks time to show the world why he is the peoples champ, and if you two don't
shut up, The Rock will send you on a one way trip to the Smackdown Hotel,
courtesy of IF YA SMELLLLLLL... WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKING tours."

Helmsley: "Oh you want some as well?"

Brad: "Let The Rock say this, he's beaten your ass before Hunter, and he's not
afraid to do it again, in fact, maybe I could stick a boot up your candy ass
right here."

Before anything can break out, The Young Lions spring into action again.

Matthews: "Hold it there fellas, because we've got one more mystery in the
bag. The case is closed and we can reveal... WHO RAN OVER STEVE AUSTIN!"

Helmsley: "Everyone knows that, I paid Rikishi to do it."

York: "WRONG!"

Helmsley: "Excuse me?"

Matthews: "My assistant is right, Rikishi couldn't fit into that car, so he
paid someone else to do it, and that someone was... YOU JONATHON COACHMAN!"

Larry: "Oh don't talk such nonsense, that doesn't even make a shred of sense."

Helmsley: "Yeah, I think someone as stylish as me would know if his own plan
was altered."

Coach: "OK, I admit it, I did it, I did it."

Everyone: "WHAT?!?"

Coach: "But I didn't do it for myself. When I took the keys from Rikishi and
jumped in the car, I saw Austin all alone. Suddenly, everything flashed through
my eyes. Wrestling has always been about the great white hope, people like
Buddy Rogers, Bruno Sammartino, Bob Backlund, Hulk Hogan, Barry Darsow and at
that point, Steve Austin. Wrestling has never let the black guys in, they were
always held back. People like your dad Rock, Rocky Johnson. He could have been
champion, but he was held back. Junkyard Dog, he could have been champion, but
he was held back. People like Tony Atlas, Ernie Ladd, Virgil, all held back.
And I take full responsibility."

Matthews: "Good, security, drag his ass out of the building."

Two burly men grab Coach.

Coach: "No wait, put me down, let me go, I've got to manage Larry Zusbu... uhh
Larry Zubizzywizzy... uhhh, Larry Zubambaloomba... uhhh.... Rock, I did it for
you Rock, I did it for YOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!"

Brad: "The hell was he talking about? The Rock wants nothing to do with that
monkeys ass. The Rock is out of here."

Armstrong leaves.

Matthews: "Fantastic, now onwards... to solve the mystery of whole stole the
last doughnut."

Larry: "Oh sorry, was that yours?"

York: "Huzzah, another mystery solved."

The Young Lions run off again as Zbyszko and Helmsley eye each other up
angrily as we go back to ringside.

The Rock'n'Roll Express (c) vs Pretty Perfect (tag team titles)

The tag title rematch between the Rock'n'Roll Express and Pretty Perfect was
another close one. Ricky Morton found himself in the familiar territory of
being beaten down by the opposition, but was able to make the tag to Robert
Gibson. Gibson cleaned house and when Hennig and Hart composed themselves and
went for Gibson two-on-one, Morton was back up and the four of them quickly
brokeout a fourway brawl. When Owen went for the enzuigiri on Gibson, Gibson
ducked the move and Morton came in with the Rock'n'Roll Buster and held him
down for the three count. *** 1/2

We go backstage to Michael Cole.

Cole: "Lance Storm, dreams of being a Canadian hero night might just come to
fruition up next."

Lance: "I've been waiting for a chance to prove my worth in front of my
Canadian fans, and tonight is the proudest day of my life, just to compete in
front of them on the biggest stage in wrestling in such a huge match. Chris
Jericho and Chris Benoit talk a good game, but they don't know what it's like
to be truly beloved by these great people and tonight, I will do them proud."

Cole: "Lance Storm, big chance for him tonight."

Lance Storm vs Chris Jericho vs Chris Benoit (Pride of Canada Tournament decider)

The Pride of Canada match was a classic affair as all three men took it to
one another. Benoit and Jericho punched it out early, but soon agreed to make
a brief pact in order to eliminate the threat of Storm. It was working very
nicely too, with Benoit clamping the Crossface onto Storm in the middle of the
ring for a seeming victory, but Jericho now figured it was a good time to end
their pact. Breaking it up, he and Benoit began brawling it out, and Jericho
won that one, sending Benoit out of the ring with a dropkick, but by now Storm
was back with it and when Jericho turned around, he scooped him up and slapped
on the Maple Leaf to a huge pop. Jericho edged towards the ropes, but Storm
was able to pull him away. Jericho was on the brink of tapping, Benoit broke
up the hold and worked over Storm. Planting him down, he nailed Storm with a
flying headbutt, but now Jericho came over and flipped Benoit into the Lion
Tamer and pulled him away from the ropes too. Storm came back around and
crawled over to break the hold but Benoit tapped out and Jericho claimed a
victory in what was truly a war of each mans respective submission finishers.
The easiest ***** of the year so far.

We go backstage to Michael Cole.

Cole: "Billy Kidman, we spoke to you earlier, how have things changed in the
last few hours?"

Kidman: "A lot Michael Cole, see, as the time ticks nearer, I'm feeling it more
and more, I have an overwhelming feeling that tonight is my night, not that
melancholy loser Raven. It's gone well tonight, Stevey did us all proud and I'm
going to follow it up. Raven, this match isn't about lawsuits, it isn't about
using a team of lawyers to take you down, I'm going to prove to you tonight
that I am the greatest wrestler and the smartest wrestler. You might have won
round one in the tournament, but you didn't do it yourself, so you've got a
lot to prove. This time, there's no Jerry Lynn and there's no crooked officials
looking out for you. Tonight Raven, it's time."

Cole: "Billy Kidman confident, we've got a curtain raiser battle royal before
the title match, let's go back to ringside."

Back in the arena, Larry Zbyszko is just entering, as most of the other
participants are already waiting in the ring. La Parka enters next, followed by
Rhyno, and Hunter Hearst-Helmsley rounds off the field before we get underway.

20 man Battle Royal

The final match before the main event saw twenty men determined to win, albeit
some more determined than others. Helmsley began the elimination process,
getting rid of Essa Rios. It quickly became a short night for Los Guerreros as
Test got rid of Mando. Hector dived at him but accidentally took Chavo out of
the match and in the confusion, Hayabusa came up and threw Hector out. The
eliminations kept coming as Ken Shamrock got rid of Steve Williams, Alex Wright
ended Tajiris night earlier, and Tajiris tag partner Hayabusa was extracated
by King Kanyon. Kanyon didn't last long as Shamrock got rid of him too. Sadly
for him, he wasn't around for much longer either as the Young Lions double
teamed him and clotheslined him out, while Larry Zbyszko got rid of Terry
Gordy. Zbyszko went next courtesy of La Parka. The Young Lions were both soon
gone as Test dealt with Matthews and the Pitbulls got York out, only for Rhyno
to send Pitbull #1 out again, a flashback to the Royal Rumble a couple of
months ago. Pitbull #2 didn't last long by himself as Alex Wright ended his
night with the Deutsch suplex and a clothesline out. We were down to five, with
Test looking good until Helmsley drove a knee to his back and sent him out.
La Parka was soon triple teamed by the remaining three guys and they threw him
over the top, before Helmsley and Wright double teamed Rhyno and aimed to get
him out. Unbeknownst to them, La Parka had held on to the ropes and he was
able to sneak back in and tip all three men out in one go to score the win,
while his three victims looked aghast at the decision. La Parka simply
strutted and danced in celebration. *** 3/4

We go backstage to Michael Cole.

Cole: "Raven, time is up, next is the championship match."

Raven: "Billy Kidman got one thing right... it's time. Time has wound its way
down, working against you my friend. See, you can harbour a grudge after what
happened at Revenge is Sweet all you like, but Kidman, the fact remains that
I am the better man. Life can be cruel sometimes, as I know better than most,
but it's going to be particularly cruel on you tonight. The biggest event of
all time and your in the biggest match on that show. How does it feel? How
does it feel knowing that the whole world is watching you, watching you trying
to make amends, but dissapointing not them, but yourself. On this night Kidman,
the worlds eyes are on you but it's not to be for you, it's just not to be.
You can bring out whoever you like and I will walk through them. You can make
me bleed and I will overcome it. The blood, the sweat and the tears I've been
through to make it this far shall not be undone now, nor ever again. Kidman,
it is time..."

Raven (c) vs Billy Kidman (world heavyweight title)

The main event between Billy Kidman and Raven was a memorable yet controversial
affair. Steve Corino and Clarence Mason both accompanied Kidman to the ring and
quickly made a nuisance of themselves, particularly Corino who allowed Kidman
to take control after tripping Raven early in the contest. Kidman dominated
the match from there on despite Raven trying his hardest to mount a comeback.
Raven eventually got going again, fighting off Kidman and Corino whenever he
sprung up and had Kidman set up for the Evenflow. Clarence Mason quickly
distracted the ref while Steve Corino ran in to hit the Old School Explusion,
a finisher NOBODY has gotten up from to date. Kidman got his senses to him
and headed up top for the Shooting Star Press whilst the fans bayed for someone
to come out and even the odds for Raven. It never came. Kidman hit the move and
sure enough, the referee administered a sensational three count to shockingly
claim the worlds heavyweight title. **** 1/4
Critic of the DawnPosted on 08/01/04 at 03:32:15

Brilliant stuff, excellently written.  Your wacky gimmicks and the quality of your writing make this an absolute joy to read.

Eric "Critic of the Dawn"
91Posted on 08/01/04 at 05:09:42

;D Dankeschun. I'll certainly grant you with the gimmicks...  :P ;)