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DWF Revenge is Sweet: Mooney Mania

91Posted on 06/21/04 at 13:38:48

Card Information:
Held in: NASSAU VETERAN'S MEMORIAL COLISEUM
Location: NEW YORK, UNITED STATES
Date/Time: 28/01/07 at 8:00pm
Matches/Interviews booked: 15
Arena Capacity: 10000
Attendance: 10000
A Sold Out Arena.
Ticket Buy Rate: 100%
PPV ratings: 2.5%
Approximently Viewers: 3750000

We go backstage to Michael Cole.

Cole: "Billy Kidman, Steve Corino, Clarence Mason, tonight is a big night for
you gentlemen as one of you could walk out as the new world heavyweight
champion after tonight."

Kidman: "First of all, stop talking like such a weiner or we'll sue you for
making us look bad. Listen, we're in this tournament first and foremost to make
sure certain individuals do not win the title and then one of us..."

Corino: "...doesn't matter which... though it'll probably be me..."

Kidman: "...or me more likely, will be crowned the new champion."

Cole: "Gentlemen, what happens if you two should meet in the final?"

Corino: "Hey, I think we should sue you for trying to, uhhh, incite dissension,
uhhh, between..."

Cole: "I'll stop now."

Corino: "Good idea Cole, the world will be a better place for it. First up,
once and for all, I put paid to that soon-to-be stuffed bird Raven and go old
school on his ass for the one hundreth time."

Kidman: "And I whip Alex Wright into shape, figuratively and literally, and
that title is coming home baby."

We switch to Jonathon Coachman with Alex Wright.

Coach: "Hi everybody, I'm the Coach, Jona..."

Wright: "RUHE!"

Cole: "But... but... nobody interupts my catchphrase."

Wright: "NIEMAND INTERESSIERT SICH, COACHMAN! TUN SIE UNS ALLE EINE BEVORZUGUNG
UND HALT DIE SCHNAUZE! Herr Kidman, it is you who I must face, AUFMERKSAMKEIT!
I will bring the title back home to DAS PRACHTVOLLE K™NIGREICH VON DEUTSCHLAND!"

Wright marches off as we head back to ringside.

God, my German is sketchy...

Billy Kidman vs Alex Wright

The tournament kicks off with two of the less popular men in the DWF squaring
off as Billy Kidman, the man who conspirated the title being vacated but was
considered by many as an outsider, faced off against the rather suspect Alex Wright. After a face paced encounter, Kidman reversed a waistlock
and hit a quickly executed reverse sunset to hold down Wright and score the
win.

[First Round Match]:
Billy Kidman pinned Alex Wright after a reverse sunset flip in 0:09:46.
Rating: **** 1/4

We go backstage to Jonathon Coachman and Jerry Lynn.

Coach: "Hi everybody, I'm the Coach Jona..."

Lynn: "Coach, time is fleeting. The brands on the torch are flickering, dying
out second by second, the road to the championship has finally converged to
the Nassau Coliseum here tonight and for fifteen men, the chance of everlasting
glory is but a few hours away. Standing here today, I have the chance to set
this status in stone for one individual. Sometimes fate does not take its
required course, with the momentum I have set, the determining of somebody
elses fate may be several weeks, months... years away. Fear not, the time shall
come, be it tonight or in the future, but the destiny of the title may well
rest on the opening match. Rhyno stands between me and Billy Kidman next, the
man who conspired to have me lose the title. On this night, I stand as a man
who may pkay but a bit part in the final path to the title, but no matter how
I may go down, or who may take me down, or if I even go down at all, the flames
on the torch, each last cinder that dies away on the ground, the brands that
keep it alight, that torch shall be passed to the man of my choosing. That's
right, tonight I play god to the very roads that the DWF shall be lead down.
I play god to everyone competing for the title and indirectly, everyone who
isn't. Some will fall, they I pity, others will stand triumphant and they will
have gotten the greatest gift of all..."

Lynn slinks off as we go to the arena lobby where none other than a certain
familiar face is waiting.

Mooney: "HI EVERYONE! I'm Sean Mooney, roving reporter for the DWF... but I was
never in the WWF, despite what you may think, or hear or watch on old video
tapes. But I'm in the DWF and I shall be getting all the exclusive scoops for
you, the viewers. And look who I've found now, Dynamite Kid, can I get a word
with you on your upcoming match?"

Dynamite Kid, just entering and still with all his bags over his shoulder
continues walking as Mooney tries to keep up with him.

Kid: "Get lost Mooney."

Mooney: "Dynamite Kid, just one question, you face Chris Benoit tonight do you
not?"

Kid: "I do, that's your one question, now bugger off."

Dynamite doesn't stop walking as he pushes Mooney away and heads off down the
corridor.

Mooney: "Ummm, evidently Dynamite doesn't want to comment, but I'm sure..."

A large hand appears on Mooneys shoulder, as the camera zooms out we see it
belongs to Don Muraco, who is accompanied by manager Jeff Hardy.

Hardy: "Get real Mooney, don't you get it that nobody likes you?"

Mooney: "But I..."

Hardy: "Whatever Mooney, nobody cares, nobody likes you. THIS, this right here
is the man of the moment. He is STILL undefeated after god knows how many
opponents have tried him and tonight he's going to finally get what rightfully
belongs to him. First match, Lance Storm, big deal, Muraco will squash him.
After that the winner of Benoit and Dynamite... what do you think Don?"

Muraco: "I don't care who it is, whoever I have to face I will punish and
destroy, and that title will be mine, mine, MINE!"
       
Hardy: "Damn right, now get lost Mooney."

Hardy shoves Mooney aside as we go to Michael Cole.

Cole: "John Cena, you have a big match with Test coming up, but there seems to
be an odd odour about you tonight."

Cena: "That's the stench of evil you can smell, it follows me everywhere I go.
But not only that, I've gotten one up on some of my opponents tonight. Test,
he likes the women, he likes to attract the ladies at every opportunity, so
I snuck into his bags and stole all of his aftershave and to make sure he
doesn't get it back, I'm wearing it all."

Cole: "What good is that going to do."

Cena: "Well first he's going to be distracted by the loss of his most treasured
possesion, then he's going to be overpowered by the smell in the ring whilst
I'm used to it and if he does make a move on me, he'll find I'm really
slippery and he'll never be able to do any big power moves on me because he'll
keep dropping me."

Cole: "Isn't that the point."

Cena: "Shut up Cole, I also scratched your new car earlier."

Cole: "WHY?!?"

Cena: "Because now you'll be really angry all night and you'll probably ask a
really insensitive question to someone and they'll be really angry and they'll
then be so mad that they blow their match, it's genius."

Cole: "It's criminal damage."

Cena: "Your interviews do criminal damage to the publics ears, so you can't
talk. Besides, you'll be eating your words when my plan comes to fruition and I
leave here tonight as the brand new world champion."

Cena walks off as Michael Cole runs off to check his car and we hit the ring.

Jerry Lynn vs Rhyno

Next up came Jerry Lynns first encounter. Rhyno was certainly game but Lynn
being Lynn was in no mood to mess around and wasted no time. Rhyno came back
and went for the Gore. That missed and Lynn planted him with the Cradle
Piledriver to advance. For comparisons sake, Lynn is the 2/1 favourite, whilst
everyone else is about 1,000,000/1. But I'm not an ECW mutant. Honest.

[First Round Match]:
Jerry Lynn pinned Rhyno with the Cradle Piledriver in 0:09:05.
Rating: *** 1/4

Test vs "Unnecessarily Evil" John Cena

John Cena had his hands full with Test as Cena was back on the title scene
again. Test used his size to overpower Cena, but Cena took advantage of every
situation around him. After the ref got dazed momentarily, Cena tossed a pipe
to Test, then played dead. The ref caught Test with the weapon and Test began
protesting his innocence. Cena used the distraction to scoop Test up and nail
the Eighth Deadly Sin and he progressed to the quarter finals.

[First Round Match]:
John Cena pinned Test with the Eighth Deadly Sin in 0:05:59.
Rating: **

We go backstage to see Kurt Angle lacing up and talking to himself.

Angle: "Oh, they said I couldn't do it, but I won an olympic gold medal. They
said somebody else would do it, but I won the Royal Rumble. And they're saying
I won't be the next world champion, but damnit I'm going to prove them wrong
again."

Rob Van Dam dances onto the scene, smoking something.

RVD: "Abvmffmtvbruv."

Angle: "Rob, if you're going to talk to me, take that spliff... spliffs out of
your mouth."

RVD: "Sorry man, just a little something to pepper me up before my big match...
hey dude, aren't you in this as well?"

Angle: "As a matter of fact I am, and I'm going to win too."

RVD: "Heyyyyy, good for you man, I'm glad to hear it. I'm going to be winning
the title too as soon as I'm done with Brian... I love that guy, he's my best
friend."

Angle: "Are you drunk as well?"

RVD: "Hey man, this is ECW, we drink beer before a big match dude, y'know, like,
beer. Stella?"

Angle: "No thanks... I'm going to go get ready... good luck."

Angle walks off slightly disgusted.

RVD: "Man, that dude rules."

We switch to Michael Cole who is with Chris Benoit and Masato Tanaka.

Cole: "Chris Benoit, coming up soon you take on your biggest nemesis, Dynamite
Kid."

Benoit: "Damn right I do, I am sick and tired of having to face this damn limey
over and over again, how many times do I have to beat the guy for him to get
the damn message? Don't worry, the beating I administer him tonight should
give him the idea once and for all. And as for the title Cole, since I know
you're dying to ask, yes I will be the new world champion, getting the belt
back around my waist where it damn well belongs."

Rob Van Dam vs Brian Pillman

In another interesting draw, fan favourites Brian Pillman and Rob Van Dam
squared off. After a tight match, Van Dam was able to surprise Pillman with
a leg lariat and from there, a split legged moonsault and five star frog
splash finished. RVD is one of only four former champs in the tournament, so
consider him in with a shot too.

[First Round Match]:
Rob Van Dam pinned Brian Pillman with the Five Star Frog Splash in 0:08:57.
Rating: *** 3/4

Lance Storm vs Don Muraco

Lance Storm gave it all he had against Don Muraco, almost knocking him over
several times as he peppered Muraco with a number of dropkicks. Muraco however
was able to swat aside Storm after one to many dropkick attempts and when Storm
tried a springboard dropkick from the second tope, Muraco caught him and
dropped him with a Tombstone. And Muraco remains undefeated in the nine
months he's been around.

[First Round Match]:
Don Muraco pinned Lance Storm with the Tombstone in 0:05:49.
Rating: *** 1/2

Dynamite Kid vs Chris Benoit

If Muraco advancing one round was bad news for the competition, his receiving
a bye after Chris Benoit and Dynamite Kid went to a draw is positively awful. Benoit
deliberately slowed the pace of the match down to suit his gameplan and whilst
he maintained much of the dominance, he couldn't put Dynamite away in the
time limit, though the bell went during a Dynamite comeback, ringing just as
Dynamite was perched for the Swandive. Dynamite hit the move anyway and when
Benoit came to soon after, the decision was made, much to his disgust.

[First Round Match]:
Chris Benoit and Dynamite Kid battled to a draw in 0:15:00.
Rating: ****

As Benoit protests the decision with the referee, we go backstage to Michael
Cole who is with Hunter Hearst-Helmsley.

Cole: "Hunter Hearst-Helmsley, having been embarassed by La Parka once again
two weeks ago, you face him with thoughts of revenge..."

Hunter: "Wait wait wait, I did not get embarassed by him. I've studied the
video tapes and I can now clearly see - one La Parka is overweight, one is a
few inches too short and one appears to be wearing bright orange sneakers, he's
just hired three other guys to dress up as him and confuse me, but I guarentee
I won't be falling for that one again. I've got too much class, too much
sophistication and NOBODY kicks out of the Pedigree. Hell, if I nail La Parka
with that, I'll probably pull out my newspaper and have a read of that, maybe
a little afternoon tea, and THEN I'll make the cover and score the win. La
Parka, I've beat you twice already and I'll do it again tonight."

Hunter walks off with his nose in the air as we switch to Jonathon Coachman
and Chris Jericho.

Coach: "Hi everybody, I'm the Coach, Jonathon Co..."

Jericho: "Coach, do us a favour and SHUT... THE HELL UP!"

Coach: *sniff*

Jericho: "Tonight, at last, having been ROBBED of the Intercontinental title by
a guy who I wasn't even supposed to face, I shall once again wear the gold
around my waist that I so richly deserve. I am the GREATEST WORLD CHAMPION
EVER! I AM I AM I AM! And nobody, not even Kurt Angle, will be able to
eveerrrrrrrrrrr do anything about it again."

Raven vs Steve Corino

Just like the previous match, this is match #48294 of this feud and as always it
was a bitter, hate filled affair, but it was Raven who won the war. Corino had gotten
control and worn him down on the mat, but as he stood perched on the second rope,
Raven sprang up and nailed the Evenflow there and then, knocking Corino
clean out and that secured victory.

[First Round Match]:
Raven pinned Steve Corino with the Evenflow in 0:08:53.
Rating: ** 1/4

I swear I'm not an ECW mutant.

Kurt Angle vs Chris Jericho

Raven would Chris Jericho, who edged past Kurt Angle in a rematch from King
of the Ring and Ultimate Annihlation, both won by Jericho also. This time it
was a clean wrestling move in the ring that won it. Angle had slapped on the
ankle lock but Jericho was able to roll through and somehow applied the Lion
Tamer, leaving Angle no choice but to tap.

[First Round Match]:
Chris Jericho made Kurt Angle submit to the Lion Tamer in 0:12:57.
Rating: ****

We go backstage to Michael Cole who is with Dean Malenko and Masato Tanaka
(again).

Cole: "Dean Malenko, later tonight you take on Sean O'Haire in a huge encounter
for the Intercontinental title."

Dean: "Michael Cole, I've worn the belt before, and O'Haire, I can promise you
that I'll be doing this myself. Masato here has no intention of interfering,
but make no mistake, I will be crowned the new champion, no matter how you
might analyse this O'Haire. And despite the travesty that took place earlier,
I can guarentee that Triple Threat will ride again after tonight."

Christian vs Phil LaFon

Phil LaFon won the battle of former tag team partners, but with a little help
from Doug Furnas on the outside who tripped Christian when he had LaFon set
up for the Unprettier, allowing LaFon to get the win.

Phil Lafon pinned Christian after the Doctor Bomb in 0:06:51.
Rating: **** 1/4

With LaFon crowned the winner, he and Furnas quickly go to work on Christian,
putting the boots to him and kicking him down until none other than EDGE runs
out from the crowd, and quickly cleans house. Furnas and LaFon quickly back
down the aisle in shock at his appearance. Edge helps Christian to his feet
and the two brothers embrace.

Just to go into detail there, Edge and Christian were a team, Edge left a few years ago, now he's back. The intricacy is mind boggling.

We go backstage to Sean Mooney.

Mooney: "Hi DWF fans, I'm your roving reporter Sean Mooney, looking for all the
scoops and latest news, hot off the press. Oh look, there's the Young Lions
hanging out, maybe I can get the exclusives from them... hey fellas."

York: "Oh Jesus."

Mooney: "I was wondering if you had any updates for us."

Matthews: "Yeah - DWF hires brainless moron."

Mooney: "Wow, this is sensational news... oh wait, you're making fun of me
aren't you?"

York: "Yeah, hey Joey, watch this..."

York grabs a mustard bottle and squirts it in Mooneys face.

York: "AHAHAHA, what a loser."

The Lions runs off as Mooney cleans himself up.

Mooney: "Well that was most unfair, I'll try another superstar and catch up
with all the latest... hey, LA PARKA! Mind if I get an interview?"

La Parka stares at Mooney in silence for a few seconds, then starts dancing.

Mooney: "Ummm, OK, mind if I get a few words from you before your big match
here tonight........ no, you're just playing air guitar, I don't want you to
play air guitar, I want you to tell me what your strategy is against Hunter
Hearst-Helmsley......... stop strutting a minute, and tell me how it feels to
be in the DWF....... no, keep still, stop doing that, just answer my question
would you......... fine, just strut away into the distance, I didn't want to
interview you anyway."

Suddenly a group of nerds leads by George and Adam of WWF fame approach.

George: "Hey look, it's Sean Mooney."

Everyone: "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

Mooney gets pelted with a barrage of litter and is forced to run off as we go
back to the ring.

Billy Kidman vs Jerry Lynn

The quarter finals kicked off with a seemingly easy one to predict as Jerry
Lynn took on Billy Kidman. No doubt Kidman has come a long way this past year
but Jerry Lynn has hit levels of super stardom and was expected to breeze
through this clash. Lynn perhaps hadn't banked on Steve Corino coming down to
the ring halfway through (or maybe he had). Lynn, after an early spurt by
Kidman, had garnered control again. Corino provided an instant distraction,
tripping Lynn right away. Soon Kidman, Corino and Mason began using every
trick in the book, one distracting the ref whilst the other two did whatever
damage they could. Lynn soon fought back, nailing Corino on the outside
seemingly once and for all. When Lynn hit the Cradle Piledriver soon
afterwards, things looked dead and buried but Corino distracted the ref while
Kidman was down for the count of about forty. It too soon became overwhelming
for Lynn. Clarence Mason distracted the ref whilst Lynn was setting up another
Cradle Piledriver. Kidman slipped out of the move and quickly dodged the
incoming blow of Corinos Old School Explusion which felled Lynn for good.
Kidman crawled over to make the pin and scored a stunning upset.

[Quarter Final Match]:
Billy Kidman pinned Jerry Lynn after outside interference in 0:11:14.
Rating: *** 3/4

Rob Van Dam vs "Unnecessarily Evil" John Cena

Rob Van Dam and John Cena took it to each
other tooth and nail but when Cena went for the same trick with the pipe that
he'd tried in the last match, he didn't bank on a) the referee staying down a
few seconds too long and b) Van Dam just figuring he could waffle Cena with the
aforementioned weapon. One Five Star Frog Splash later and Van Dam moved a step
closer to regaining the championship of the world.


[Quarter Final Match]:
Rob Van Dam pinned John Cena with the Five Star Frog Splash in 0:08:33.
Rating: *** 1/4

We go backstage to Michael Cole.

Cole: "Raven, up next is your quarter final clash with Chris Jericho. You're
the underdog in this one, question is can you overcome another obstacle to face
the undefeated Don Muraco in the next round?"

Raven: "All my life, I've had to fight and claw my way from the botom, Chris
Jericho now stands between me and a chance for revenge on Muraco. What Chris
Jericho ought to realise is that nothing on this night is truly personal and
that he is inconsequential to the game plan I have set forth. It doesn't matter
what I have to do, how far I have to fight, how much I have to push my body to
the boundaries, even if it means literally fighting for my life, I've had to
do that more than anyone for the last year and I'll be damned if I'm going to
let a man like Chris Jericho be the one who denies me the heavyweight title.
I'm not going to waste my time worrying about him, maybe he should be worrying
about the hurt pride that he'll be feeling. Same goes to Muraco, you may have
beaten me one on one and yes, you may have thrown me out of the battle royal,
but on this night, I shall not be denied. Quoth the Raven, Nevermore."

We switch to Jonathon Coachman.

Coach: "Hi everybody, I'm the Co...."

O'Haire: "Think about what you're saying Coach, the desire to live off a weak
catchphrase, to be the man again, managing champions that you... didn't. You
crave to be in the limelight again but deep down, you kmow that'll never
happen.

But enough about you, Dean Malenko, what about you. The way I see it, you like
to surround yourself with men like Benoit, Douglas and now Tanaka because you
seek to leech off the fame of better and more successful individuals. Look at
Chris Benoit and Shane Douglas, they have WCW, ECW and most importantly DWF
world titles to their name. Masato Tanaka is a former ECW champion as well.
You however will never be a world champion as long as you live, so the only
way you'll ever associate yourself with a world title is to be in a crummy
stable which became washed up about five years ago, making it about three
weeks after it was formed. As far as your own glory goes, you have to resign
yourself to chasing the Intercontinental title your whole life whereas a man
like me can simply use it as a stepping stone to greater things. But I hope I
haven't shattered your illusions of grandeur too badly Deano, but you can face
the facts I have presented you with. As for tonight, I have so much more than
you to win, which is so sad in so many ways for you Dean, so sad indeed that
you don't stand a chance."

O'Haire walks off as we hit the ring.

Raven vs Chris Jericho

The last quarter final, with Don Muraco of course receiving a bye, saw Chris
Jericho working over Raven for the better part after an early low blow helped
him dominate preceedings. Raven wasn't about to give up though and just when
things looked their bleakest, just when Chris Jericho had the Lion Tamer
applied, Raven was able to kick Jericho off. Jericho bounced off the ropes and
coming back, Raven delivered the Evenflow. It was a few seconds before Raven
could pull himself up and make the cover but when he did, Jericho didn't so
much as twitch and Raven advanced.

[Quarter Final Match]:
Raven pinned Chris Jericho with the Evenflow in 0:11:31.
Rating: *** 1/4

Sean O'Haire (c) vs Dean Malenko (intercontinental championship match)

Our other title match saw Sean O'Haire retain his intercontinental title over
Dean Malenko. Malenko was on top for a while but when O'Haire drove Malenko
hard into the mat with a Samoan drop, there was no getting up from it. One
Seanton Bomb later and O'Haire retained the belt.

Sean O'Haire pinned Dean Malenko with the Seanton Bomb in 0:13:09.
Rating: *** 3/4
(Sean O'Haire retained the Intercontinental Title.)

We go backstage to Michael Cole.

Cole: "Christian, defeat for you tonight but you're suddenly reunited with your
former partner and brother, Edge. Edge, what are you doing here?"

Edge: "Mikey Cole, I'll back in the DWF and I'm back to back up my little buddy
against the nefarious deeds of Furnas and LaFon."

Christian: "Dude, is nefarious actully a word?"

Edge: "You betcha. When we get done with Furnas and LaFon and that opprobrious
John Cena, we can party and rule the tag team division again."

Christian: "Sounds awesome."

Edge and Christian high five as we switch to the heel locker room to see
Billy Kidman being peraded around on the shoulders of several mid-card heels,
whilst Steve Corino pops a bottle of champagne.

Corino: "Billy, you've finally done us all a favour, you've beaten that damn
Jerry Lynn once and for all, and now there's no way in hell he'll have that
belt ever again."

Kidman: "Sure did Steve, and just for you, I did it OLD SCHOOL BABY!! I'M GONNA
BE CHAMPION!!!"

The celebrations continue with the much-grateful heels as we go back to Michael
Cole.

Cole: "Jeff Hardy, Don Muraco, since we last spoke to you, it's gone pretty well
for you guys."

Hardy: "Pretty well? Pretty well? We expected a couple of tough matches on our
way to the semis and a really good challenge there. Instead my man Donny here
walks through Lance Storm and doesn't even have a quarter final match and now
he's got Raven who looks more exhausted than the remains of some diesel fuel.
Did you see what I did there?"

Cole: "Hilarious. How about some words from Don Muraco?"

Hardy: "In a bit, first I want to read some haiku I've written for the
occassion."

Cole: "Oh dear god."

Hardy: "Muraco as champion
       Better times will be ahead
       I will be there too."

Muraco and Cole look nervously at each other.

Cole: "Yes well, be that as it may, Don, if I could get some..."

Hardy: "Sorry Cole, we and the big man have to prepare strategy, not that we
really need to of course."

Jeff and Muraco leave Michael Cole in the lurch as we return to the ring.

Rob Van Dam vs Billy Kidman

Billy Kidman went into a third match as underdog again, this time against the
former champion Rob Van Dam. By now, Kidman was on a roll though. Both men
had missed their respective finishers when Van Dam threw a chair to Kidman to
set up the Van Daminator. Kidman thought fast and threw it straight back,
whacking Van Dam in the jaw. A vertical facebuster and the Shooting Star Press
was enough and Billy Kidman was in the final.

[Semi Final Match]:
Billy Kidman pinned Rob Van Dam with the Shooting Star Press in 0:17:25.
Rating: **** 3/4

Raven vs Don Muraco

The other semi was a comparitive mis-match as the utterly fresh Don Muraco, still
undefeated and squashing men left, right and centre, faced the physically
drained Raven, whom Muraco scored a win over on the christmas day special
card. Raven tried valiantly but wasn't able to knock Muraco down, as nobody
has to date. Muraco tossed Raven around like a rag doll, not letting him get
so much as a look in, bar a few shots whenever Raven saw even a glimmer of an
opening. The Tombstone was only a matter of moments away. Muraco, sure enough,
went for the move. Raven was able to slither out but in doing so, he hit the
ref in the head with his foot, dazing him somewhat. Muraco was still able to
take Ravens head off with a huge lariat however and things looked bad. Muraco,
seeing there was no ref to count, had a quick conference with Jeff Hardy and
hooked Raven up whilst Jeff Hardy stood on the apron. A springboard dropkick
from Hardy came but Raven was somehow able to slip out again. Muraco staggered
back and finally fell down. Raven sent Jeff Hardy out as the ref regained his
composure. Muraco got back up, embarassed at the fall and went to scoop Raven
up again. Raven managed to nip over him and when Muraco turned, Raven caught
him with the Evenflow and with whatever he had left, was able to make the
cover and Muraco has finally been defeated, 1-2-3.

[Semi Final Match]:
Raven pinned Don Muraco with the Evenflow in 0:10:42.
Rating: *** 1/2

Hmmm, first time Muraco's even been knocked off his feet. By Jeff Hardy no less...

We go backstage to Jonathon Coachman with special guest Low Ki.

Coach: "Hi everybody, I'm the Coach, Jonathon Coac..."

Ki: "No time for that Coach, I'm here to wish Raven luck in the final match
later tonight, I hope he..."

Coach: "Shut up, I was doing my catchphrase, and if I don't get to finish it
now, I'm going to make you live to regret it."

Ki: "Excuse me? Just let me carry on. I just wanted to say that I..."

Coach: "No, you shut up, I refuse to do this interview."

Coach throws down his mic and storms off.

La Parka Jr. vs Hunter Hearst-Helmsley

Hunter Hearst-Helmsley was embarassed once more by La Parka, after
suffering an upset loss to him. Helmsley was able to score with the Pedigree,
then stopped, had a little lie down, milked it a bit and THEN made the cover.
His delaying tactics only allowed La Parka to kick out. Hunter was seething
and he was seething seconds later when La Parka caught the Asai Moonsault
Bodyblock seconds later for the win. Hunter threw a bit of a tantrum after
the match. Poor him.

La Parka Jr. pinned Hunter Hearst-Helmsley with the Asai Moonsault Bodyblock in
0:06:34.
Rating: * 1/2

At this point, we get an unexpected appearance from Pretty Perfect who enter
the ring and grab a pair of mics.

Hennig: "Wow, what a pathetic excuse for a pay-per-view, not one segment of
this card has any semblence of... PERFECTION, at least not until now."

Hart: "That's right. We are the greatest tag team champions in the history and
we deserve to be at the forefront of every event this company holds, but we
have been totally ignored here and it's an outrage, particularly when we are
as... PERFECT as we are."

Hennig: "So to prove our point, we challenge any two people in the audience,
any two people, doesn't matter who they are, doesn't matter if they can wrestle,
we challenge two people who think they are tough enough to take us on, come
on out and we will give you a title shot."

Hart: "That's right, we don't care who you are, we don't care, but we deserve a
match tonight, so somebody get down here and let us show you what being PERFECT
is all about."

Hennig and Hart stand back and await a couple of challengers. At this point,
two individuals jump out from the crowd behind them, dive into the ring and
immediately grab the upper hand. Quickly, we recognise them as none other than
Ricky Morton and Robert Gibson. A referee runs down to officially start the
inpromtu match and we suddenly have a title defense on our hands.

Inpromtu match: Pretty Perfect (c) vs The (suspended) Rock'n'Roll Express (tag team championship match)

The surprise challenge of the
suspended Rock'n'Roll Express caught Pretty Perfect off guard, and mowed
through them in devastating style. Owen Hart got knocked down by Morton and
Gibson with ease and when Hennig was able to tag in, he got more of the same.
Owen breaking a fall after a double superkick was the first piece of offense
for the champs in the match. Owen grabbed Gibson and threw him towards Hennig
so that the perfect one could execute a clothesline (or something). Gibson
countered with a crucifix and as Morton took Owen out, Gibson held Hennig down
for the count of three.

The Rock'n'Roll Express defeated Pretty Perfect when R. Gibson pinned C. Hennig
after a crucifix in 0:03:32.
Rating: ***
(The Rock'n'Roll Express won the Tag Team Titles.)

As we prepare for the main event, some familiar music hits up and out charges
none other than... THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR!!! One might claim that it's not
really him, seeing as he's yound and seemingly not pumped full of hundreds of
dollars worth of roids, but it's probably him, so let's just assume it is for
the time being, as opposed to Brad Armstrong in another stupid outfit.

Brad: "AHHHHHHHHHH, ALL MY WARRIORS, CLIMB UNTO MY BACK AS I LEAD YOU THROUGH A
MISSION OF DESTRUCITY ONTO A SPACESHIP TO PARTS UN....KNNNNNOOOOOOWWWWWNNNNN!
NOM, ALL OF YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP WHILE I SHAKE THE ROPES BECAUSE I'M A MADMAN!!
LOOK AT ME, I'M CRAZY, SO FUCKING CRAZY THAT I HAVE TO PAINT MY FUCKING GODDAMN
FACE!

NOW, WHERE THE FUCK IS SANTA CLAUS SO I CAN DECK THE SHIT OUT OF HIM, STEAL
HIS CLOTHES AND TIE HIM UP IN BONDAAAAAAAAAGE!! AND WHERE IS THAT BITCH HULK
HOGAN? THAT TOSSER TRIED TO SET ME ON FIIIIIIIIIRE!! WHEN I GET A HOLD OF HIM
AND DESTRUCITY POSSESSES HIM, I'M GOING TO DRAG HIM TO PARTS UNKNOWN AND TIE
HIM UP NEXT TO SANTA!

NOW, WHY AREN'T YOU FUCKHEADS ON MY WEBSITE READING MY REALLY EDGY AND WORDY
MATERIAL? MARVEL AT MY VOCABULARY - IT'S REALLY GOOD AND BIG, YES, IT'S BIG
AND GOOD, GOOD GOOD GOOD, AND REALLY REALLY... BIG! HERE'S AN EXCERPT FOR YOU
MORONS - 'AUFNHHVBMAFUERU VIANGUBGWS CVADESTRUCITYMVMIS VSPIGJSBINR'! FUCK ALL
YOU BASTARDS WHO DON'T UNDERSTAND IT, YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND THE WAY OF ALL
MY LITTLE WARRIORS, ALL THE LITTLE KIDS I CALL MY LITTLE WARRIORS WHO ARE
SOMEHOW SUPPOSED TO UNDERSTAND THIS CRAP!! NOW WATCH AS I RIDE MY BICYCLE AND
TRY TO PASS MYSELF OFF AS A GREAT WRESTLER!! AHHHHHH, LOOK AT MY FUCKING
MUSCLES YOU PERVERTS WHILE I SPRINT TO THE BACK NOW AND WAVE MY ARMS AROUND,
I NEED TO GO BACKSTAGE FOR MY FUCKING STEROID INJECTION! ARGLBARGLWARGLFARGL
DESTRUCITY! AND WHEN I'M DONE, I'M GOING TO COME BACK OUT AND INTERFERE IN
THE TITLE MATCH AND TAKE THE TITLE FOR MYSELF BACK TO PARTS UNKNOWN AND THERE'S
NOTHING ANYONE CAN DO ABOUT IT BECAUSE NOBODY CAN MATCH MY DESTRUCITY!!!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"

At this point, The Pitbulls music hits up and the pair come out to the great
relief of the crowd. Brad pounds his chest some more and waves his tassles.
The Pitbulls simply look at each other, then begin decking him. After beating
on him a bit, one pitbull gets a table and holds it in position behind Brad
whilst the second spears him through it. The Pitbulls then leave to a good
response whilst Brad is dragged out by various officials.

We go backstage to Michael Cole.

Cole: "Jerry Lynn, it is official, tonight will not be your night, what's your
final prediction before this final match as we look to crown a brand new
champion?"

Lynn: "My only prediction is that I guarenteed that the torch could be passed
and what I claimed will now come to pass. The time is now and history will
finally be made at my choosing. The end is here, the beginning is night."

I wonder how much the TNM censor™ caught just then? Maybe it should have caught the vague and crappy pop culture references too...

Raven vs Billy Kidman (tournament final for the world heavyweight title that is in no way a rip off of Wrestlemania 4... much)

Raven was, for certain, out of energy by now. Billy Kidman was tired too but
Steve Corino was back out again for back up, along with Clarence Mason. Raven
mustered up several comebacks, almost getting the Evenflow on a couple of
occassions, whilst Steve Corino did his utmost to cheat as much as possible
behind Earl Hebners back. Finally Raven got a sufficient comeback in to have
Kidman set up for the Evenflow once and for all. Clarence Mason quickly
hopped onto the apron to distract Hebner and Corino dived in and nailed Raven
with the Old School Explusion. Kidman rolled over to make the cover but before
Earl could start counting, the rather loud distraction of Jerry Lynns music
hit up. Lynn charged out, chair in hand, nailing both Steve Corino and
Clarence Mason with it, before hurling it towards Kidman in anger. Hebner tried
to get Lynn to leave, when out of nowehere, out sprinted CROOKED TIM WHITE! White made
a two count, but Hebner broke it up and got his chance for a little revenge.
Hebner began kicking and punching at White, trapping him in the corner.
Meanwhile Kidman saw his chance and began crawling towards the chair that was
now in the ring. Lynn saw this, darted into the ring and stomped on the fingers
of Kidman just as he was about to claim it. With that, Lynn grabbed the chair
and as Kidman staggered up, Lynn delivered a huge chairshot to Kidman. Kidman
staggered round to meet Raven who was back up and just like that, he was
Evenflowed back down. Raven almost collapsed on top of Kidman, Hebner cleared
the ring of Tim White and turned around to make an historic three count,
crowning a brand new world champion. As Jerry Lynn walked away while Raven
celebrated as much as he could with the belt, there was a glint in his eye
and almost the hint of a smile, knowing that he had indeed done what he
promised to do.

Match for the vacant Heavyweight Title:
Raven pinned Billy Kidman with the Evenflow in 0:13:02.
Rating: *** 1/2
(Raven won the Heavyweight Title.)


Card rating: *** 1/4

I swear, I'm not an ECW mutant. Nor did I get my jollies off giving Raven a world title... leave me alone already.
Richard Garcia JrPosted on 06/21/04 at 15:45:58

Nice detailed card! I wasn't going for Raven myself, but with the correct direction, I think Raven could lead a circut! Keep up the good work!

Richard
Critic of the DawnPosted on 06/21/04 at 18:50:56

Damn.  That was really funny, and very well done.  I especially liked "Stoned out of his brain" RVD and "Haiku" Jeff Hardy, both of which I've thought about using in the past.  But the best part of the show was "The Ultimate Warrior" Brad Armstrong.  Sheer genius.

Just one question, though.  Since Raven won and all, I've been wondering...  Are you some kind of ECW Mutant?  I'm from Philly, so you can tell me!

Eric "Critic of the Dawn"